joke.

1. slept in today but then woke up and made pancakes for my friends. 
2. did a lot of unpacking. must take pictures tomorrow! 
3. my roommate moved in today!!! yay. 

something productive. HAHAHA.

ha!

1. i'm so tired tonight. college life is exhausting! 
2. i did some more unpacking/arranging today and am slowly getting rid of boxes. it's a long process!
3. still have to buy books...maybe i should do that tomorrow...but it makes me feel better that no one else has bought books yet either. 

i'm excited to start classes. i wish classes would just be four days a week and weekends were three days. that would be ideal. i've also decided to stop apologizing for bad blogging because it's my blog and my resolution and it's a big enough deal that i'm even doing this every day. so there!

thanks again

1. loooong day. looooong night. stressful. but i'm making progress on the apartment. next up: finish unpacking and buy school books. whoopee!
2. made a big trip to target today to buy apartment stuff and started to set stuff up but i needed help. thank you, boyfriend!
3. drama fo yo mama! 

not much to say again tonight. didn't i make the promise that i would be a poor blogger in these next few days? yes, i did. now i don't feel as bad, shew! thanks again to my move-in helpers--couldn't have done it without you all! xoxo.

move in day!

1. I LOVE MY SCHOOL.
2. shoutout to my mom and aunt for all their wonderful help! also, a shoutout to my boyfriend and friend for helping move all the boxes and furniture!
3. went to my friends' apartment and hung out with everyone! fun times. 

sometimes i wish that college with no classes could last for two weeks or so before we're made to go to classes. don't get me wrong, i love classes and i'm excited for this semester, but the time before classes start is so much fun! lots of bonding, lots of friend time, lots of partying. gooood times. 

hanging party!

1. got all my boxes organized and had two great helpers in the car packing party today! got all three cars packed with college STUFF.
2. getting to bed pretty early so i can be rested for tomorrow's big move...i'm very excited!
3. had a delicious but filling dinner. another reason i am so tired, i think. 

i'm nervous about the move tomorrow. i keep thinking that someone will get in a wreck and besides the obvious of why that is horrible, it'd be even worse tomorrow! these cars are jammed full of furniture and decorations and clothes. i'm also nervous about being settled in a new place and starting a new year. i wish some things about it were different, but i have no control over that now. sometimes (most of the time) life doesn't work out how you plan or even how you want. it's about adjustment and flexibility (my two strong suits...not). but i think being in an apartment finally will be really nice and i have a few days to chill and relax and party before classes start. but i'm also nervous about the classes! i am really looking forward to them and i hope that i'm not let down. perhaps i should lower my standards, but i refuse. so, nervousness aside, i'm hopefully for a painless and simple and easy move. maybe i should lower my standards on that front...

if the shoe fits...

1. had a good day. woke up and did some cleaning on my apartment furniture and helped make pear butter from home grown pears (um, yum!). 
2. went into town to see the boy and went shopping for lamps! and a trashcan! whoopee! 
3. ate mexican with my friend and came home to watch the first sex and the city movie (birthday present...yes!).

just realized something from the sex and the city movie...my third time watching it. when they are first looking at the gorgeous penthouse on 5th, he says something about "man friend" making him sound like a dog...carrie replies with "if the shoe fits." at the end of the movie, mr. big proposes by asking carrie to marry him in her closet and then slips a brand new, manolo blahnik on her foot (how very fairytale). i would say that is was just a coincidence if it weren't for two reasons: 1) this is hollywood. come on., 2) she reads lily "cinderella" and attempts to teach her a lesson about love. so for this reason, i think it was on purpose. but it is a nice way to tie up the story and bring everything full circle. i like carrie bradshaw for two reasons: 1) her wardrobe, 2) she wears pearls to bed (although they are fake). but she screws up the wedding and she makes big freak out and then is les miserables for six months. it makes for a good movie and yes, of course, i will watch it over and over (and the second one when it comes out on dvd), but still. cut the crap, carrie. it was partially your fault. she made it all about her...never a good idea when talking about a couple! but i understand her eagerness to finally tie the knot with big--talk about a procrastinator. but they end up happy in the end--who would have guessed it! the movie just made me think about my own life and my own relationships.

rockin' to the beat

1. i don't even know what day of the week it is! i get so behind during the summer months. but i guess i better get my mind straight since i'm moving back to college on thursday...eek! lots of organizing to do before then. 
2. got my arm punched out by the dermatologist today. she took off a mole she was concerned about and sent it to the lab. now i understand why she called it "punched"--that's what my right tricep feels like now. 
3. had a yummy family dinner and then boyfriend time! we watched the proposal and it was pretty funny (i like sandra bullock and ryan reynolds), but i totally called the last half of the movie's plot. 

so here i am, another night. with nothing interesting to say. i'm sorry! perhaps i should talk about....oh wait. all my ideas have run out! for now...ideas are (dur) always appreciated. i should apologize in advance, also, for the negligence my blog will be subjected to during the next week or so. i'll be preoccupied and busy and most likely not itching to focus on good blogging. but hey, as long as i do it every day, that is good enough for me. trust me, i want to do better than that, and will, but also need to cut myself a mid-year break. but i'll still be blogging! no doubt.

getting thinner

1. woke up pretty early today and went to church, then went to the restaurant where i used to work for lunch (calzone, yum). 
2. came back home and relaxed before my packing frenzy! i just got in a mood to pack up for the move on thursday, so i attacked! it was very successful. 
3. had a small dinner, watched the finale of food network star, got some bad news. 

i just took a benadryl because my allergies started to act up tonight! i'm not sure why but it's a pain when they do. i wish my post title referred to my waistline, but alas, it does not. it refers to my...self. like, my availability and my time. i'm starting to feel like i'm worn thin and i'm getting stressed about it. i have people i want to spend time with and people i want to visit with before i leave but my days are slipping away so quickly. i have family, friends, my boyfriend. i want to be at my home but i have appointments and things to do and tasks to accomplish. it's becoming overwhelming. i just wish i could freeze time for a bit and move it forward only when i'm ready. i'm awful at goodbyes and i'm about to make some to my family, my friends, my boyfriend, my home, my cat, etc. i'm not ready yet.

bucket list item: turn in some privilege cards and exchange them for service cards.

3 x 4

1. woke up this morning in a comfortable bed (not on the floor like yesterday morning) and had pancakes courtesy of my sister for breakfast. 
2. hung out, went to see eat, pray, love and got ready for to picnic/band party tonight. 
3. my uncle's band played and i got to hang out with the family. it was nice out and really fun!

the movie interpretation of eat, pray, love was pretty good. some parts i could have done without out, but they were needed for background if you'd never read the book. but come to think of it, most people in the theater would have seen the book anyway. julia roberts was great, of course, and so was richard jenkins. the man who played the medicine man ketut was so cute! i liked hearing all the advice again that he gave liz again, though. it's kind of crazy that her life was written up into an international bestseller and is now a hit movie. that must be the weirdest feeling! one of the themes of the book is balance. she spends equal time in each of the three places and learns important lessons about balance in life in each place. italy is all about savoring life and "dolce far niete"--the sweetness of nothing. india is about determination and focus and forgiveness. bali is about love and completeness and balance and fear. it all wraps up into a wonderful, balanced life for liz gilbert. the trick is taking those principles and applying them to your own life. the book has gained a sort of cult following, you know, people doing the same thing she did with one year of life. and however tempting, it's not always practical or necessary for everyone. i believe there are many ways to develop into who one wants to be while simply living one's normal life. some changes may be necessary, but embracing change is crucial to sustaining life. i know, i know. who am i?! i hate change. but maybe i just need to learn to roll with it?

friday the 13th...again

1. i'm so very tired right now. had a late night and a busy day.
2. ziplining was so much fun! i was scared at first but it got easier after the first few zips. i had great friends for my "zipping" guides. 
3. spent my afternoon and evening with my sister! had some chill time and then dinner and trivia night at the local bar. we did okay...

every now and then i view this blog as just a ritual. it becomes something that i hate to check off my list every day (night). at this point, all i can think is "the faster you finish blogging, the sooner you can get to sleep." but it's so hard to stay focused on blogging when all i can think about is falling asleep and staying that way for a long time. so on that note, i'm finished for now.

animal house? yes.

1. finished up the yaya sleepover with breakfast and relaxation. 
2. ran some errands in town and got some more apartment stuff!
3. headed out to spend the night with my friends and had a toga party and plan to zipline in the morning!

i've never been ziplining before but i'm pretty excited! i've heard it's fun but it also looks kind of scary. i'm not afraid of heights or anything but i will be attempting for my first time on friday the 13th! eeek! i'm sure (i'm hoping) that all will go well! 

yaya4eva

1. had breakfast with friends and then another appointment. 
2. headed to my aunt's to meet my sister, mom, and grandmother for a sleepover! 
3. went out to a lovely lunch, hung out, made pizzas, watched top chef, ate ice cream, all this fun and delicious stuff! 

i am so much happier around my family. the yayas are just always having fun and having good conversations and having an overall great time! i have fun but sometimes i miss being around my immediate family. my dad is still working so i don't see him as much. my mom is retired though so i get to see her. but soon, both will be retired and having a grand ole' time and i'll be able to hang out with both parents and my whole family too.

"are we breaking up? are you breaking up? is there trouble on the line?"

1. slept pretty late considering that my room gets SO light in the mornings. had a funny dream about jersey shore and a wedding, weird, but funny. 
2. had a lunch with my friend and said goodbye until november! dentist appointment went surprisingly painless and then a haircut. 
3. home for a yummy grilled fish dinner. started a new book and watched chopped! love food network in hi def. 

breakin' up is one of my favorite songs by rilo kiley. i love that it's upbeat and energizing and witty. and it's about breaking up with a guy! typically a depressing topic among music artists, but this song is light and funny, though still somewhat dark. perhaps i should say now that i am not breaking up with anyone or anything like that, i just have wanted to talk about this subject for awhile and tonight struck me as appropriate. breakups are often really difficult. sometimes, they are easier than others because it just falls into your lap that it's the right time for something to end. in my experience personally and from hearing loads of break up stories in my 20 years on this earth, break ups are rarely truly mutual. that is typically a cop out for one person to get what they want while manipulating the other person to think that they want to break up too. not very nice, but common. another common mistake in the break up world is not being honest with yourself or the other person. if you aren't clear with yourself about what you want and need, there is no way you are going to be able to adequately communicate it to another person. also, lying to yourself will ultimately just be a major pain in the ass (for you and everyone involved). another piece of advice, don't go yapping to everyone and their brother about the break up. keep it how the relationship was (or should have been)...i like to think of it as similar to a pane of foggy glass. people can still discern what is happening on the other side, but to truly know what is going on in depth, you have to be on the other side of the glass. keep others on the foggy side of your love life. unless, of course, there is some danger or chance of harm or anything serious like that present in the relationship. i also suggest taking time to be single. yeah yeah, sex and the city girls complain all the time about how being single is tiring and stressful and it's impossible to find a good man. but i think people forget to figure out who they are in between relationships and discern what they learned/how they changed/etc. post-relationship. single time is very, very important--it's like recovery after a surgery. recovery is essential in order to be 100% out in the real world after any sort of surgery. my final piece of advice is to not be afraid. don't be afraid of loneliness or emotional pain. don't be afraid of hurting someone else in your quest for happiness (within reason, of course). don't be afraid of feeling relieved or better about yourself post-breakup. don't be afraid to trust again or to like someone again (those ones are big). and don't be afraid of being yourself and being honest with and true to yourself. someone will eventually come around and appreciate you enough to spend his/her life with you (and if someone doesn't come around...would it be all that disastrous?).

shoulda coulda woulda

1. it's that time of the day again. 
2. woke up kinda early and hung out around the house finishing a book and watching television. 
3. went out to dinner and to see the other guys with my boyfriend. the movie was pretty funny (slow in some parts) and dinner was yummy but...

i should have gotten the fettuccine.

222

1. fell asleep last night to the sound of tree frogs and cicadas--i love my home! 
2. went to church today and saw everyone. and didn't stop at the grocery on the way home, wahoo!
3. had my belated birthday dinner with family and boyfriends! i had a wonderful meal, i got great presents, and i had a delicious ice cream cake.

i'm very tired and want to go to bed but i need to say thank you to everyone for my presents and such a wonderful birthday! thank you notes get written tomorrow and i hopefully make plans to see people from home during the short time that i'm here. i'm so happy to be home but also very excited to get back to school! i know, i know, another slack post. oh well...i've had a lot of food today and i'm still tired from yesterday. plus, these frogs and bugs put me to sleep quickly.

bucket list item: take a break next new year's and make a simpler resolution! 

bye!

1. drove home today!!! it was a hard drive but i had company that was much appreciated. 
2. yummy dinner outside and family time! it doesn't get much better than this...
3. very tired and worn out...can't wait to get to bed. 

after a long drive, my summer has come to a close and i'm back home. for now. school starts soon and i move into my apartment and do all that fun stuff. should be fun/interesting/hard/etc. i'm ready, though. and i'll have good help. now, it's bedtime!

see ya!

1. packed up all my stuff today...preparing to move out tomorrow. 
2. i can cross off one item on my bucket list so far...live alone. such an experience! 
3. can't wait to get back to my home and then back to school. it's been a long time coming. 

once again, my life is about to change. i'm excited and also nervous. tonight, i just want to remind myself that everything will be okay. i believe in myself to accept all challenges, and i believe that i know when to seek help from others. i can do this!

C is for cookie

1. webmail is down! how frustrating. i hate not being able to check my email. 
2. had a nice, relaxing day with my boyfriend. went poolside, watched narnia, went out to visit friends, ate dinner, watched JERSEY SHORE!!! 
3. i've been twenty for a whole week not. t-minus 51 weeks until 21!!!

okay, okay, so guilty as charged. no interesting blog tonight. i'm sorry! i promise that they'll be more interesting soon. i need to start blogging earlier. pretty sure i've already said that before too. oh well...going to see a movie tomorrow hopefully and just hanging out. i got a fortune cookie tonight that said "you will enjoy doing something different this coming weekend." i feel like fortune cookies and horoscopes are all just cop outs. they are so generic that they HAVE to be true for most anyone. but i really am doing something very different this weekend, so that's exciting!

school's out for summer

1. boyfriend came today!!! picked him up from the airport and it's been great just hanging out all day. 
2. got lovely birthday presents and went out to a delicious birthday dinner! thanks to you know who...
3. massive thunderstorms today. while i was running participants in the psych building the fire alarm went off and announced to stay away from windows and doors due to hail, winds of 60 mph+, and rain. scary!

not much to blog about tonight. another boring post! just excited to have company and excited to be moving back home soon. this summer has been great but i'm ready for school to start. i should be in some pretty cool classes. speaking of which, i need to buy books soon...

fiiiierce

1. early (!) gym workout, work most of the day. final meeting with my supervising professor. everything ended on a great note. 
2. cleaned my suite area for my company tomorrow! vacuumed, did dishes, organized recycling, taking out the trash in the morning, picked up the floor. i like cleaning sometimes and really go to town.
3. watched some shark week episodes tonight and now chopped is on and i'm blogging during commercial breaks. early to bed tonight since i'm waking up and driving to the airport tomorrow to pick up said company. 

i like being a competitor. i've mentioned before my love of the cooking competition show, chopped, and i've mentioned that i want to go to grad school in clinical psychology--the most competitive graduate program in the country. i grew up watching the original iron chef and iron chef america on my grandmother's tv. i like any show or book that involves competition. it makes for a great, fast-paced plot line and makes life exciting! to have ambition, drive, a competitive edge, you have to care. i care A LOT. especially about my academics. i've always been competitive against myself, but never saw the need to be really concerned about other people's performances. it was more about making myself better (or the best). so when the application process for grad school rolls around, i hope to go above and beyond what i ever thought i was capable of. honestly, i never saw myself on this track, mainly because i never knew it was really an option. but i've always been interested in human behavior and emotions and interactions and psychopathology. what i can't ever comprehend is how everyone else isn't as interested in this stuff as i am! but i think that is a true sign of passion and of devotion. so i'm competitive and i really feel like i can do this. all of this. so i need to remember that next time i turn in some writing that gets critiqued...

roberto!

1. gym, pool, work. 
2. dinner with the lab! it was delicious and really nice and not as awkward as i expected. 
3. bachelorette season finale!!! she chose the guy i wanted her to (and the guy i would have chosen)!

that show is so ridiculous! but in a good way. i like having some of my downtime devoted to trashy television and the bacehlorette definitely suffices. i'm tired already and have to wake up at 7:30 for an 8 am training session at the gym! talk about early morning work out. it will hopefully keep my metabolism up all day and it'll be nice to get to the gym pretty soon after my decadent dinner. i'll be a better blogger tomorrow night, scout's honor!

twofifteen

1. melted at the pool, worked on the paper, did laundry, SHARK WEEK!!!
2. almost five days until i'm driving home! yippee! 
3. about to watch a rerun of the next food network star since i missed the show due to SHARK WEEK.

tonight is my 215th post. that's not really landmark or anything, but it's still a pretty big number! that means there are 150 days left and 150 posts left. how weird is that?! i'm excited about this year and ready to see how it will turn out, but also nervous about some things. for tonight, my bucket list item is to get a photo published in a magazine/book/calendar/etc. i just love taking pictures and i always wanted to be a photo journalist when i was little and work for national geographic. so maybe this item is a way i can make a small dream of mine from childhood come true.

grading hat

1. turned off my phone and just woke up when my body wanted to wake up this morning. it was a nice feeling. 
2. ONE WEEK UNTIL I AM HOME!!!
3. took criticism on my first draft of the paper personally (of course) and FINALLY found bedding that i want. i hope it's still available in the morning...

criticism. i don't take it well. i take everything personally and it always just makes me feel like a disappointment of a person and a bad writer and like there is no hope for me to improve and mainly just like a disappointment. i hate feeling this way. i've gotten better at letting things roll off my back but i'm still not quite there. i can handle insults about my appearance or personality pretty well, but i just hate criticism to my writing. it always affects me negatively. so this draft for the paper i turned in and got some criticism, good and bad, but i always zero in on the bad. i don't know how to just let things go, either. i can't not think about it or get upset or see things positively. it's just not in my nature. i'm eager to please on the academic front and always feel disappointed in myself when i don't. on that note, i should get back to work on this paper. hopefully i can deliver better goods next time.

madness

1. what a night. 
2. had work for a little bit today and worked on revisions for the suicide paper.
3. took a nap earlier but hopefully i can still get to sleep early tonight. 

i don't really feel much like blogging tonight. not much to say and not in the mood to think of anything to write about. sorry for being boring...

BIRTHDAY!!!

1. TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! WHOO HOO!!! i was a party animal from the young age of...birth. and there are pictures to prove it. 
2. really starting to feel like my old self again! it's a great feeling. oh! and i got a free cupcake for my birthday today from the cupcakery!
3. I LOVE MY PINK SPARKLY NAIL POLISH. and i only have one participant tomorrow, the early slot, but then i can gym and go to the pool for the rest of the day!

figured i would blog early since jersey shore commences in about 45 minutes and i have to get dressed and all dolled up before that. then we are watching the show and going out! this way i can blog now and when i get home i can just go to bed and sleep. i set my alarm now so all should be good for the morning. i have nothing much to say but encourage you all to read this article http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/12/03/AR2006120300974.html i know the girl who wrote it and i really like the article/message. but i feel fine about turning 20--it feels the same right now but i'm sure it will sink in later that it's a weird thing to no longer be a teenager. so tonight is the rager dedicated to no longer being a teenager!

ohemgee

1. wowza! it's almost my birthday! yeeee, i'm excited! 
2. walked outside today to the library and back (across campus) and it was 97 degrees but felt like 105. yay, me! i was sweating so much. had class and then lab and then the gym. 
3. i did an extra set of things at the gym today and decided to add on to my gym time every day to push myself a little more. then grocery shopping, just like every wednesday afternoon. 

i think it's happening tomorrow. my fingernails are finally getting painted sparkly pink! but only in honor of my birthday and the jersey shore season two premiere. thanks mtv! i also have a bit of a break from work tomorrow--only half of my participant slots are full. so i think i will lie out by the pool for the first part of the day and then head into work after that, then gym. then party time! got a card/picture in the mail today *xoxo to my suitie* i'm just excited and happy right now! one week. one week! and then a week and a few days! this summer has been awesome--such a good experience for me. will write more on this later...perhaps, my last night here?! yes.

belly laugh

1. long day of work today, followed by gym and then some relaxation. 
2. chopped came on tonight--love my monday and tuesday nights!
3. have some planning and shopping to do to wrap up my final week and then some here and get ready for college!

i'm going to an actual library tomorrow to do research for this paper in an actual book! it's shocking. no one does research in books anymore! it's sort of coming full circle though since i started off my lab work finding some articles in the library and i'm (almost) finishing my time down here doing the same thing. not much to say really. luckily i'm getting the second book from the donna tartt lady to read (thanks) and i think i'll read the namesake next at this point. i like that i've read a lot this summer! i still need to read the help. i'm also interested in the constant gardener. i should have time before school to read all these books. it's hard to find time to read anything other than school books during the semester! but having my own room and a real living space may make that easier. that's what my shopping is for--the apartment. no more spending money this summer/semester. unless it's needed, of course. ta ta! *notice the good mood tonight*

don't let it get away

1. gym early this morning! my trainer kicks my butt; i'm always sweating bullets when i leave! but that's a good thing. he claims he's seen results already, but i think that was just motivation. 
2. worked more on the paper. there is one article i want and one book i want but of course they aren't available online or where i am! very annoying. but it should turn out okay anyway.
3. finished my book at 3 am (hadn't done that in awhile!) and then felt the effects of reduced sleep today. long day tomorrow so i'm going to bed very soon to rest up. 

i read the plot of SALT online the other day. glad i didn't pay money to go see it! it seems really violent and also kind of hard to follow. also, i'm not a huge fan of angelina jolie. but it sounds like it sets up for a SALT 2 so maybe it's just a money making enterprise. probably. aren't all movies? right, yes. anyway, i know that i'm a wuss and can't handle violence so that's why i read plots online. i read the plot for shutter island. the birds. when a stranger calls. seven. pretty much any movie that looks kind of interesting but remotely scary, i have someone screen for me (pun intended) and tell me if i can handle it. if not, wikipedia, here i come! the scariest movie i've seen is the shining. it was terrifying. but my boyfriend at the time had told me every single thing that happens in the movie, so i knew what to expect. yeah, it was still scary. and i watched it alone in my basement during the day. that book last night even scared me! i won't give away major plot details but it involves a murder (clear from the beginning, have no fear...wait...) and by the end i just had the heebiejeebies. and it was 3 am and i was alone in the apartment! but all the doors were locked and i was ready to fight off ghosts from the book if necessary. such nonsense on my part! a lot of my fears like that are so silly. but they seem real at the time. like, i lock my bathroom door to wash my face even when all the other doors are locked too! i don't like having my eyes shut with the door open. but hell, so much light from the balcony seeps into my room that i could see anyone coming in a heartbeat anyway!

poly-bull****

1. lounged around the apartment today. it was deadly hot outside so i didn't tan by the pool and i still couldn't go to the gym. my next personal training appointment was moved from 9 to 10:30 tomorrow morning. can't wait to go!
2. almost 400 pages into my new book and still have a ways to go. it can be quite verbose at times and excessive in detail and meaningless description but it doesn't really feel like it drags. it's interesting still, but just makes for a long book.
3. watched the next food network star and was happy about who they sent home (don't want to ruin it if some readers haven't watched yet). then i watched this crazy show on TLC called "strange sex." it was about these weird and unusual sex stories from couples or individuals. four different stores: polyamory, birth orgasms, sex addiction, and coital incontinence. WEIRD stories. slightly disturbing. and sex addiction isn't a real addiction, by the way. 

not much in a blogging mood tonight but one subject i had already wanted to talk about, cheating, ties in relatively well with the subject of polyamory, something i just learned about tonight! it is called "the learning channel" after all...  polyamory is supposedly the sentiment that you want to be emotionally and physically intimate with more than one person and everyone in the arrangement agrees and wants that same thing. perhaps you can sense my...sarcastic bite about this topic. i feel like it's just a massive cop out. um, hello, have you ever heard of a more precise definition of "have my cake and eat it too?!" didn't think so. yes, i should be open to new experiences and different kinds of love and relationships and all that jazz. but this just seems excessive. maybe i'm traditional (not a word i would use to describe myself typically) but i feel like relationships should exist between two people. but maybe i just haven't progressed to the idea of sharing love with more than one person yet. thankfully. i just think it's an excuse to experiment and change things up but still experience commitment and stability. that isn't fair! sure, maybe it works for some people (obviously) but it doesn't seem like that would be healthy to me. isn't intimacy suppose to be...intimate? meaning that emotional/physical/mental/spiritual bonds shared between two people aren't shared also with a third, fourth, fifth person at the same time? it just seems like cheating to me. and the woman on the show was so manipulative and self-righteous and egotistical and selfish. it just really, really turned me off from the idea of polyamory being healthy and successful in real life. kind of like communism...it would work on paper or in the perfect world...but yeah, no, it doesn't work. and going back to my original idea of cheating, researchers have found that most affairs in marriages/relationships start in a similar way--by sharing things with a person other than your significant other. okay, obviously i don't mean telling your friends about your bad day at work or your relationship problem du jour. but when one starts to share more with someone other than who one shares one's bed with, it can create problems. being emotionally or mentally intimate with someone other than your boy/girlfriend is where most of infidelities start. it's like building a whole new relationship really, so it makes sense that physical infidelity would follow. basic gist: cheating often starts out with a seemingly innocent friendship or working relationship that turns personal rather than staying on the side of impersonal. and polyamory seems to do just that--be intimate with more than one person. how can the bonds remain steadfast when more than one person is in the relationship? and it just seems really unequal. most of the time, it will be one women and more than one man, or one man and more than one woman. in most settings, it doesn't seem like the two or more people of the same sex will be sharing the emotional etc. intimacy so it just becomes an unequal and unfair relationship. i'm not on board yet, but who says i have to be?
bucket list item: sell my baked goods in some sort of store. not my own store necessarily, but someone's coffee shop or bakery or something.

do i look fat in this?

1. woke up early for an appointment and a stop at the cupcake shop! it's this little cupcakery that i was told about and it has delicious cupcakes! they are a tad too cloyingly sweet for my taste (shockingly enough) but the actual cupcake is great--the icing needs to be eaten in small doses, though.
2. worked more on the suicide paper--it's turning out better than expected! and just lazied around the apartment. didn't want to (and couldn't) be outside sunning and couldn't gym today either. that is the plan for tomorrow, though. 
3. got wholly absorbed in a new book! i'm already on page 98 and i started only around 1.5 hours ago. the secret history is the title and i have my father to thank for the suggestion. i absolutely love being sucked into a new book. i mean, harry potter and narnia and a few other books suck me in every time but they are so familiar. new and exciting books are always welcome!

perhaps off a bit of inspiration i also found today, i think tonight is a good night to talk about weight, body perception, societal expectations, and wimmen (translation: women). it is so surprising to me, still, how much women are affected by their weight, body shape, and society's pressures. the average woman is a size 12 in america. however, 1/4 people in america are obese. i'm not saying that size 12 is obese or too fat or anything like that. i'm not here to pass judgment. just to start a conversation about women and their weight. there are some women out there who are unconcerned about weight and body shape. these women often appear on TV shows for the same reason that the baby sea turtles are shown fighting to make it into the rough surf on the beach--both are RARITIES. i am entirely unconvinced that any woman on this planet is satisfied with her weight or shape. i just refuse to believe that we would all give up one of our favorite bitching topics so easily. something can always be altered, corrected, improved. we are conditioned from birth to see ourselves in a critical way. some women, certainly, cling to this idea more than others. a lot of women are happy with their bodies, but whether it is expressed or not, i think that all women feel at least a tiny ounce of dissatisfaction with their bodies. my research on this topic (okay, "research") has supported my claims. there is just such pressure for females to look a certain way (which is different based on culture and race) and the pressure is felt all the time. all you have to do is look at the cover of a magazine in the grocery story to see headlines about bikini season and getting in shape for the new year and not overindulging during the holidays. it's endless! mix that with any inherent need a woman has to prove herself and to find a mate and to be at her best and you've got a stewing cauldron of self-esteem and body size issues to eat up for supper. what is considered average is by no means considered desirable, at least from the media bombardment i'm facing. but even the skinny women aren't satisfied! some want to be skinnier, or have more curves, or longer legs, or who the hell knows. it's crazy to me how it's impossible to be satisfied with body size/shape/appearance.

foodies unite!

1. my only participant of the day didn't show up! i had two slots and one was empty and the other participant bailed on me, leaving my day at work pretty useless. so i went to the pool and almost died after 1.5 hours and then went to the gym. 
2. started writing the paper on acute suicide risk factors and realized (once again) that i write WAY too much. i have two factors to cover and only 3 double spaced pages in which to do it! i'm through the second article of the first factor and finished with one page. problematic!
3. watched my hour of wedding dress shows and talked to some friends. pretty boring night but that's okay. i am saving up all of my energy for junior year! get ready for the craziness.

so i thought i would follow a semi-similar path for tonight's post and talk about local vs. organic food. these two sides are often at war in the health food debate! basically, proponents of local food would rather have food that has been grown locally. the reasoning often varies but can include wanting to support local business,  wanting to reduce CO2 in the atmosphere from trucking or flying food long distances, or wanting to reduce consumer costs. organic foodies are interested in how the food is grown; meaning that no pesticides/insecticides/hormones/fertilizers are used to grow/raise the product. each side has its pros and cons but the ideal place to land is on both sides. finding food that is local and organic is the jackpot. for instance, finding beef that has been raised on pesticide-free grain and without hormones and free-range, but is from argentina is preferable for an organic foodie. apples that were grown by a local farmer who sells at the farmers' market every weekend, but may have used insecticides for treating the trees are preferable for a local foodie. the best of both worlds? blueberries grown locally that are pesticide-free and harvested by a family and sold in the weekly market. finding local or semi-local growers/farmers who don't use pesticides/hormones/etc. for their products would be ideal, but it's often difficult to manage. a piece of advice or two. some fruits/vegetables retain a lot more of the pesticide chemicals that may have been used to grow them. some examples: celery, carrots, apples, avocados, and strawberries. poultry problems may arise with milk/eggs/meat because a lot of the growth hormones stay in the animals at time of butchering/milking and are transferred to the final product. a lot of these chemicals have links to several forms of cancer also. be aware of how the animals were raised. in some instances, like the ones mentioned above, the organic movement overtakes the local movement simply for reasons of safety. with most other produce or foods like bread, buying local can be preferable to buying organic. just make sure to thoroughly wash all produce before consumption. so i feel like this sounds like a little news article and i apologize--it's because i've been writing this review paper tonight. anyway, the local vs. organic war should not be so heated--let's instead encourage middle ground!

here's to a healthy lifestyle

1. started the job search today! i hope i can actually find one that i like and can keep for awhile--i'm definitely willing to work during the school year and during the summer. 
2. of course i did not paint my nails today. i'm the worst with manicures. they NEVER last and i ALWAYS chip the polish off. oh well...
3. one week until my birthday! a little under two weeks until my boyfriend comes and little over two weeks until i'm going home! cannot wait. 

i'm all out of post ideas! isn't that lame? yes, very lame. exercise! that's a new topic, right? this blogging for 365 days thing is harder than i expected. "exercise gives you endorphins. endorphins make you happy. happy people just don't shoot their husbands...they just don't!" thank you, elle woods (legally blonde). but really, she's right. exercise releases chemicals in the brain (endorphins among them) that help boost mood. all the more reason to exercise, right? then why are approximately 1/4 people in america classified as "obese?" isn't that a terrifying number?! "overweight" is usually ten or more pounds heavier than what is expected for one's height; "obese" is 30 or more pounds overweight. terms are thrown around all the time and nutrition and exercise and supplements all comprise a huge industry in this country. again, i ask, why are so many people overweight and obese? because people aren't properly educated about health and fitness. it's a depressing thing, really, and an issue that needs to be addressed immediately (along with all the other depressing and pressing issues). but solving the problems of health and fitness will address a lot of other issues too: mental health, lifetime expectancy, prevalence of heart disease/diabetes/some cancers/etc., health care costs, relationship satisfaction, and many more. the abundance of information out there is obviously not addressing the mass public in effective ways. so much of the dieting advice is crap, and what's good is hard to stick to so people give up. on top of poor dieting techniques, a lot of people don't workout regularly, don't work out enough, and don't work out properly. these problems combined with a general laziness that pervades the american consciousness results in a fatter public. i'm not guilt-free from all these problems i'm mentioning, by the way. but i was lucky enough to be raised by two parents who care about health and fitness and they passed good advice onto their children. but i'm just as guilty as the next person about some of these things (everyone is guilty to some extent--no one, NO ONE is perfect). i was channel surfing tonight and ran across kourtney and khloe take miami about two of the kardashian sisters. kourtney had recently had a baby and was trying to get back in shape for a cover bathing suit photo shoot. she was saying how she wanted to show moms everywhere that it was possible to be healthy and get the pre-baby body soon after delivery, but then she was working out three times a day trying to get that body. she forced her body into exhaustion and had to go to the hospital and was also neglecting her job, her baby, and her family. now, i don't know about you, but that schedule doesn't sound really practical or applicable to "real world" moms. my point with this tangent is that everyone has to work for their idea of the perfect body and everyone has to work to be healthy. so it's not easy but it's certainly worth it. there are so many aspects of psychology i'd love to study and to preach about, and this is definitely one of them--health psychology. but i do study health risk behaviors and eating/exercise patterns are included in that. to health!

"excuse me, waiter!"

1. my computer mouse has died : ( i'm sad and it'll cost to replace it, but i need to have a mouse--i hate having to rely on the built-in mousepad when i'm at home. 
2. i want to paint my fingernails sparkly pink tomorrow. it's not bright pink, more muted, but it's definitely sparkly! post-work and post-gym perhaps i'll give myself a manicure. 
3. i want to do something fun tomorrow night! my birthday is a week from tomorrow but i want to go out tomorrow night anyway. i'd go see SALT but it's not opening until friday. 

i need a job. it's really hard to work during the school year but i need to make the money that i lost this summer. i know it all went to a good cause but i need to make it up and hopefully make even more. it really sucked not being able to find a job this summer, despite how hard i looked. i started looking on craigslist today for jobs at college but it's hard to apply this early. i'd prefer a restaurant job, of course, but those are so easily taken up during school! i need to go the weekend i get back and start asking. it's also hard to give up nights/days/weekends for a job when you really just want to be relaxing/studying/partying. and, i feel like the fact that i'm going abroad in the spring would be a negative, although the employer doesn't need to know about that. babysitting would be fine too but i don't have a whole lot of experience in that area--just one consistent babysitting job. i also don't like kids a whole lot. we'll see what i can come up with. wish me luck!

"take it"

1. had a long, busy day. running experiments, two hour meeting, more participants, gym, dinner, chopped, now sleep! tuesdays are my busiest day though, according to my scheduled experiment times. 
2. i feel myself coming down with a bit of an illness. i need to sleep in a little tomorrow and catch up, then work late. have another gym workout tomorrow though...6 days a week!
3. been thinking a lot lately about this summer--i can't believe it's coming to a close! it's crazy to me how quickly summer flies by. i really have enjoyed my time so far and hope to live out these last few weeks with a positive attitude and an open mind.

been thinking lately about taking the easy way out versus taking the hard way. it should be clear by now that i don't shy away from hard things. i'm a major and double minor (might turn back into a double major--we'll see). i'm blogging for an entire year straight. i'm living in a place where i know no one for an entire summer for my career. i have picked the hardest (yes, harder than med school) graduate program in the country to apply to. i go to and have a 3.8 gpa at a competitive and highly ranked public school. i workout 6 days a week (that's a lot for me!). i could probably think of others but i've run out for now. so i like to push myself and i like to better myself and i like to challenge myself. why, then, am i contemplating taking the easy way out this fall? granted, no way is really an easy way based on what i'm going to feel regardless, but one way is certainly described as being easier than the other. it's a tough question and one that i'm not sure i know the answer to, but i will spend more time thinking, of course, and maybe come up with something soon. love black and white photography...

p-->p

1. woke up bright and early for my first official meeting with my trainer! it was hard but he gave me a workout for this entire week. tomorrow is running/interval training and abs. whoo hoo!
2. took a cat nap before going into work. had a few more participants today than normal and that was nice--good sample size is crucial to having enough power to make the experiment worth it. 
3. watched the bachelorette tonight! it's getting closer to the season finale! no wonder these people are falling in love; they traveled all over the world together and are now in tahiti for the final two shows--this is not real life people!

i don't have much to talk about today. i wish i could talk about the studies i'm running but that's not really allowed. but i am helping write a paper and i did a bit more research on that today. it's exciting all that is happening and it's so weird that the summer will be over in about a month. in one month from today i am moving into my new apartment and starting junior year! i'm very excited but very nervous at the same time. yet again i'm entering a new time for change in my life--it feels strange to be on the brink of something again. i was back from the edge for a long time! oh well, it's good that i have practice at change.

not a happy subject

1. lazied about in the sun for a few hours, did laundry (which i just remembered is still in the dryer) and started a new book. myths about suicide...uplifting! not. but very informative and interesting. 
2. had a great conversation with pookie and am very excited to be back at home!
3. started researching for the sections i'm going to write for the paper about acute suicide risk factors. i'm afraid of messing up but confident i can do well.

so i study a range of things but the primary concern of the lab i'm working in now is suicide/suicidal behavior/ideation/risk/assessment/prevention. it's not uplifting work but i feel that it's influential, so i'm going to briefly go over one of the major theories in this post. this is the work of dr. joiner and his students/colleagues. his theory of why people commit suicide is three parts. the first component is that the person must overcome the fear of enacting lethal self-injury. this can be accomplished in a variety of ways, the most notable being habituation to violence and pain and self-injury. this may come from working in a violent profession (police officers, doctors, etc.) or from engaging in violent behavior (binge drinking, self-injecting drug use, fighting, sports, etc.) or from suicidal behavior (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.). habituation is essentially just getting used to a stimulus. the most powerful of these would be the last--personal experience with inflicting self-injury is a powerful predictor of habituation to pain and fear of death, but the other factors i mentioned above are important too. once the fear of pain and death and self-injury is overcome (at least, up until that moment when it's staring the person in the face), the other two parts of the theory come into play for explaining why people act upon suicidal ideation: a low sense of belongingness and a perceived sense of burdensomness. when people feel socially isolated and no connection to the world in any way, it's clear to see how that would be a major red flag. feeling like one has no association to the outside world would make it seem that much easier to end one's life and cut off whatever remaining connections there were. a perceived sense of burdensomness is when a person feels like he/she is a burden on family, friends, employers, the world, whomever. it is often not the reality, but the person usually feels like those in his/her life would be better off if he/she were dead. the three components on their own are usually not enough to be lethal, but pose a risk for suicide. the combination of the three leaves one at high risk for suicide and requires immediate action. it's a really sad and taboo topic but the light that recent research is giving to the topic is crucial for understanding and prevention.
item: work for the suicide hotline. 

inception

1. woke up at a restful hour. figured out some more furniture stuff with my dad and then got ready for the movies!
2. saw inception. loved it. am going to see it again soon. GO SEE IT. 
3. went to the gym and finished prodigal summer! up next is the secret history. 

i need some sunshine! my plan is to lie out tomorrow and soak up the endorphins and vitamin d. but really, don't read this post unless you've seen inception already. come back to it later because i don't want to give anything away...
i'm so nervous that my thoughts will be stolen tonight! my ideas aren't safe. i'm convinced that the christopher nolan stole his idea for this movie from harry potter. something called "occlumency" was prevalent in most of her books. it's the process by which one can enter another person's thought and take over information or different parts of the mind and plant images or ideas, or steal images and ideas. it's how voldemort got so close to harry and how harry was able to torture voldemort in return. the difference is that occlumency does not require the person to be sleeping, but is able to be used during any state of consciousness. the premise of the inception film is that these people enter dreams, or re-create dreams, rather, and steal ideas for corporate gain. the movie is obviously interesting to me from a psychological perspective. it's frightening to think that someone could enter our dreams and change our present. dreams are a sacred and protected product of the individual mind. to think that those intimate levels could be penetrated and manipulated is terrifying! all i know is that after that movie, other than wanting to see it again, i started to want to carry around a totem, to make sure that my reality is real. how silly! but still, how intriguing...
oh, and i think the top fell over at the end.

miranda

1. day off! figured out some more craigslist stuff with the help of my wonderful dad and then went to waffle house for a yummy breakfast!
2. went to target for some new workout gear and then the gym! i bought the $99 training deal and start on monday!
3. stayed in tonight and had just the kind of friday night i wanted to have. watched freedom writers for the second time and it made me cry all over again. 

how can i be cynical? i used to be optimistic. what happened?
and no, i don't want to talk about it.
and then this movie--lots to think about. 

the chronic-WHAT-cles of narnia

1. had work for several hours today and then rushed to the gym for my personal training meeting at four. 
2. IT WAS AWESOME. 
3. discovered how delicious bryer's all natural fruit bars are--naturally sweet and low fat, and come in three flavors (i had strawberry tonight). 

fair warning, if you haven't read narnia don't read ahead! i love narnia. did i mention this in my favorites post? probably so. nope, just checked, i didn't. good! a new topic. narnia is so well-written, so exciting. the characterization is impeccable, as is the description of the settings. i have the hardest time picking a favorite book, much less an order, but i think i can do it. the voyage of the dawn treader, the last battle, prince caspian, the magician's nephew, the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, the silver chair, the horse and his boy. maybe. the last two could change places depending on my mood. anyway, the series is magical in more than one way. its treatment of religious themes is obviously what its most known for, but a lot of people don't recognize the themes other than christianity that are prevalent throughout. i don't think they have fauns and centaurs in christianity! those images and the images of nature worship and witches pull from pagan beliefs, as well as greek and roman mythology. guess they don't teach that in sunday school class. i first read the series as a child and was immediately drawn in like a moth to a flame. the story is so intriguing and some of the more obvious metaphors to the christian faith are present to any age reader. but even now i love narnia with the same childish charm. maybe i love narnia for all the wrong reasons. but are there wrong reasons to love a book? i perhaps hold it in too high esteem and look over some of the issues that seem to bother modern critics today (sexism, racism, all those isms). but for me the series has always retained a sense of wonder and beauty and excitement that few other works of art have managed to do for me. and susan didn't get excluded from narnia because she was too wrapped up in becoming a woman and a teenager; she was excluded because she stopped believing. she was too practical for narnia from the beginning and always took her role as elder sister too seriously. lucy is one of the more respectable characters in the series and she is female--she just kept believing in narnia and wanting narnia to be real. well, to her it was real. maybe it is real! perhaps that's why i love it. i want to believe that hogwarts and middle-earth and narnia are real. anyway, that's my bit about narnia. on a side note, i decided that i want waffle house for breakfast! i have a day off from work (on accident, not my fault) so i'm going to lie poolside after waffle house and go to the gym later. la ti da!

surfin' usa

1. just got back from the gym! i didn't have a good time to go earlier today since i went out to eat and needed to stay beautified for that, so i went around 10:30 and got back around 11:15. it felt good to sweat but now i have to shower and try to get normal sleep.
2. made a birthday plan with my apartment mate: dress up like jersey shore girls, party party, watch the premiere of season 2 (thanks for the birthday present, mtv), party party, then go to sleep and wake up for work the next morning, haha. 
3. got some exciting work news today!!! i'll get to be third author on a paper, hopefully--if all goes as planned--but it's looking promising so far. 

isn't it funny how one's general feeling about life can yo-yo from day-to-day? okay, maybe it's just me. but my feelings and moods are so variable! some days are "juggersense" days, some days are great, others are okay, some are awful. little things can make me happy or upset or pissed off or nostalgic. i'm a really emotional person and i wear most of them out on my sleeve (best fashion accessory ever!). i've never really been bothered that i'm a moody person...perhaps it bothers other people?...but that's just how i am. we'll call it my temperament to use a psychology term. temperament refers to the fixed disposition a person is born with. it doesn't really change over time and is a good indicator of other personality traits and interpersonal relationships. so today, as maybe you've been able to tell by now, was a great day. i'm happy, i'm finding some furniture for my apartment, it was my friend's birthday, i got good job news, i went out to eat (alone), i'm reading a good book (prodigal summer), i got some new music, my boyfriend is coming in three weeks, i made birthday plans...the list goes on and on! and while i tend to feel guilty about how self-absorbed my life seems sometimes (i mean, i'm blogging about my life for pete's sake--self-important? yes.) today i've just been trying to ride the wave of feeling happy. so healing vibes to you know who you are, good luck job vibes to you know who you are, and thank you vibes to you know who y'all are.

time flies

1. went to work, the gym, grocery shopping. then read, made dinner, watched chopped, and about to gtb!
2. browsed for more furniture on craigslist and looked online for bedsheets/comforter sets. such fun! hopefully i'll get the furniture i want and it'll all fit in our three cars...
3. made an appointment for my free personal training session finally, and then realized that i have to reschedule! how annoying for me and for the gym. but i'm determined to get it in this week. 

all the furniture shopping makes me excited for junior year and my new apartment and (another) new start in my life! sheesh, 2010 sure has been an exciting year so far! it's weird that i'm already reading the august issue of cosmo. i can't believe how quickly time passes when you actually slow down and look around. but really, time doesn't pass that quickly. it's been a long time getting to july 13th, and all i want is for another three weeks to roll around so that i can be heading home to where i belong. i really have enjoyed this summer, don't get me wrong. and i can't wait for it to get to that point in my life where this summer will all be so worth it. i'm getting to do so many things that most students my age aren't getting to do with their summers. but this summer is a stepping stone to where i want to be later in life. hopefully this year will be a stepping stone to later in life also. it's more like a stepping boulder. but that's what it takes sometimes. i'm excited for classes and excited for friends and excited for going out again! i miss college. i can't imagine graduating. people down here are always surprised that i'm "only going to be a junior." i'm like "only?!" you're kidding, right? that's so old to me! but my sister is in the process of buying a damn house, and i feel old?! geez. people who are over 30 look at me with scorn (trust me, i've gone out with some 30-somethings lately and can barely take the heat--double entendre intended). the withering looks are getting old, but maybe i should stop complaining about "only being a junior."

and it was all yellow

1. had an awful sleep last night and had a really bad morning, but the day slowly got better. 
2. got the passport photos for my visa made today and got the august issue of cosmo in the mail!
3. watched the bachelorette tonight--i'm pulling for roberto! season finale is on august 2nd...that's the week i'm going back home, yay!

don't get me wrong, i've definitely enjoyed my summer. but it's just not been as wonderful as i expected. missing people and being this far away from home has really been a bummer. but the experience has been priceless for my resume and my career goals. cosmo had an article about making the steps to change things in your life that you are not happy with and i've pretty much taken those steps and ended up where i am this summer. but i also have some lingering thoughts that can't be solved with the simple steps cosmo put forth. some things just can't be changed. but i'm really tired after my fitful night last night and need to get some sleep. i've decided that i liked living alone though. the roommate situation has calmed down a little bit and it's pretty much back to normal. and picking out furniture for my new apartment has been fun! next decision: bedding and wall paint color...

7/11

1. woke up late, watched the soccer game (viva espana!) and went to the gym. 
2. planned an outfit for tomorrow, read an article, watched foot network. 
3. started night by elie wiesel and can barely put it down. the writing is so honest and so succinct and so heartbreaking. 

i can't even imagine the holocaust. i put down night when i got to a chapter break and got up to walk to the kitchen to make a frozen dinner. i paused in the doorway and almost started to cry. i could hit myself for how ungrateful i am. not ungrateful, but unappreciative. no, that isn't the right word either. jaded comes closer, i think. i think every holocaust conversation that happens eventually comes to the place i came to tonight--how can i be so worried about some of the stuff i'm worried about when people lived through something like the holocaust? and it is not in the past; it will never be in the past as long as genocides happen, like the ones in the sudan and in darfur and to our planet earth. yes, i think humans are committing a mass genocide against earth. few people acknowledge it, few people try to prevent it or try to fix it, and few people care enough to rise up against the mass consumerism. elie talks in the intro and also in the actual book about his loss of faith. if they were God's chosen people, how were the Jews being subjected to such annihilation and suffering? it was the cruelest torture. and now, God's creation, must be asking the same questions. if you created us and love us and intended us to be used wisely and with care and compassion, how can you let these horrible things happen to us? every evil in this world is just a product of another evil. why are the pink dolphins in the amazon being killed and used as bait, with the carcasses left to rot on the shores? because the people of the amazon region are starved and impoverished and need money for their families. why do they need money for their families? because they are uneducated and don't have access to health care and birth control and cannot control their population. why the lack of basic health care and education, seemingly inherent rights of humanity? there is no government funding and no one who really cares. why no money and no one to care? i am growing tired of answering these questions. they may not even be the right answers. it's just so frustrating. i am outraged at the murdering of the pink dolphins, but how can i be so angry with poor citizens just trying to survive? and questions like that follow all the answers that involve blame. where does the cycle begin? where does it stop?

bucket list item: donate time and money to my causes.

doubt

1. went to the movie today and then to the mall. saw despicable me and it was really cute/sweet and i got a few wardrobe staples that i'm pretty excited about. 
2. came back to the apartment and watched some food network and made dinner. talked with my boyfriend and online shopped for college apartment stuff for the rest of the night. 
3. world cup final tomorrow...viva espana!!! can't decide if i'm going to watch it here or go to a sports bar. 

not much to talk about tonight. but the past few days i've been thinking about my time this summer. i know it was well spent and i've really enjoyed getting more lab experience. everyone tells me that i made a great decision and i really set myself apart resume/experience wise and i believe them all, but i can't help but have seeds of doubt. i know that what i did was best for me career wise, but should that have been all i thought about? i could have lived at home another summer or stayed in my college town and done research there. and it wouldn't have looked as good and i wouldn't have gotten the experience or the letters of rec, but other parts of my life might be more in order. i just miss my family so much and my home and my friends and my boyfriend. i can't help but think that last summer was my last one at home and i didn't even know it. like, from now on, i will not officially be living at my childhood home. i'll visit and still have my room, but it's not like i'll spend a lot of time there. that's a scary thought! my childhood is basically over and i'm not even in my twenties yet. will the steps i took this summer all end up being worth it? i don't know; it's hard to say. i'm sure it will be worth it, but i won't have any idea until further down the road. it's hard taking such a leap like this. i just wish i could know now whether or not i made the right decision.

pow pow pow

1. saddest day ever! my sex and the city marathon is officially over. i knew how it was going to end but it was still so good/sad. and i even know how the two movies happen, so i know more than the original viewer did. such a great show. groundbreaking, really. 
2. time to get back to the real world outside of manhattan. i have books to read and pools to sit by and gyms to go to (though i did go today) and labs to volunteer in. oh, and i guess people to see
3. and a soccer game to watch on sunday! viva espana. the octupus picked spain, so i am too. also, i like spain more than the netherlands, although i did have the change to study abroad in the netherlands and do research. i speak spanish (sort of) so my loyalty is there. 

i love working on my application for florence for next spring! i picked the wrong year to blog apparently! well, not true at all; this blog has been fantastic. i love all that it's done for me and all that has happened so far in 2010 (well, not all, obviously, but a lot of it). maybe i'll keep like a every-few-days-or-so blog in florence; that'd be fun. you know by now my history of journaling. it just won't get down on paper in florence. so i'll have to find someway to record my travels! but not having a strict schedule will be nice. i feel like i am jinxing this! what if i don't even get to go?! that would be tragic. i am so looking forward to it. though a semester away from the college i love is a scary thought. somethings have just been predetermined though. i always thought i'd go to college, always thought i'd study abroad, always thought i'd be a psych major. looks like things are shaping up as expected. the abyss in my life is post-graduation. take a year off? go right to grad school? go to grad school in clinical psych? live in a new place? so many options! so many choices! i am very indecisive. sex and the city has given me this feeling that having so much planned for my life is a bad thing. these women took years to find everything they wanted. is it possible that i can know so soon what i want to do, and actually go for it? i think that's pretty ballsy in itself, though, having a certainty about one's life. i have my guns and i'm sticking to them. figuratively, of course. guns don't match my outfits.

ERS

1. went to the gym, as promised, and then went to work until about 3:30. lazed around and then got ready for my night out at the comedy club. the acts were okay...the headliner guy was funny though. and it was free!
2. slowly working through season six of sex and the city. carrie still annoys me and i still love samantha's jokes and charlotte is so funny and traditional and miranda just needs mental help.
3. tomorrow is friday and i'm so happy. i miss my college life and my college friends and my college. i can't wait for august 7th to role around so i can go back home, and then august 17th so i can move in to my apartment!

there are so many days left that i have to blog! people, make some suggestions here! i know i have, like, zilch readers but maybe someone will stumble along this blog in cyberspace? maybe? it's like when you wear a really cute outfit to a bar or dinner with your friends and you hope for someone to comment on it. you tell yourself, "oh it's just for me--i want to dress up and feel good about myself." right, be real, you are just showing off and want compliments. but hey, everyone needs reassurance! no harm in that! i don't even know what i'm blogging about tonight. maybe i need reassurance. my few readers, please comment, or i will disown you as family members/friends or break up with you! not really, but please? just one comment? k, thanks.

< / 3

1. i'm so sick and tired of allergies! they need to stop bothering me and move on to someone else! or better yet, just leave us all alone.
2. went to LBD (little black dress) night at a hotel downtown and wore black skinny jeans, a black sparkly tank top, and fuchsia platform heels. it was a good night! 
3. finished up season five of sex and the city and set my alarm to go to the gym before work in the morning. i've figured out that from 3-6 the gym is way too busy and i need to go in the morning. 

lost love? broken hearts? trashed relationships? hurt feelings? can it get any worse? yes, throw kids into the mix. anyway, the post i'm supposed to write tonight is about lost love. it seems so hard to contemplate, but most everyone experiences it more than once during a lifetime. maybe not lost love, but lost potential for love. maybe i've been watching too much sex and the city, but i think that charlotte was maybe right on her + or - two great loves in life rule. i think it's kind of easy to fall in love and i think it's relatively easy to make a relationship work, as long as you take the proper steps. relationships fail for two main reasons: money and sex. don't marry someone if you haven't talked about these two issues. hell, don't even move in with someone if you haven't talked about them. having different views about finances or sex can ruin relationships (or so the research says) but i think people just forget to plan ahead these days. sure, what do i know about making a marriage work? that is a fair statement. but i have observed relationships over the years and it takes a lot of work to make things...work (for more than three dates). commitment is tough! so is it worth it? i can't answer that yet, except to say that i was single for a long time in college and am now in a relationship and couldn't be happier. i talked with my good friend yesterday and determined that i am a relationship person. i am, i'll admit it. but that doesn't mean i can't be single and flirt and have fun with the best of them! but i need to meld those parts of my personality together in a relationship. i love to have fun and talk and meet people and get attention (i'm a leo--blame my birth month), but i also love to be settled and content and making it work with just one person. don't get me wrong, this relationship isn't a piece o' cake (unfortunately...i love cake!) but it's also not impossible and doesn't make me crazy and i don't constantly question myself (yes, i've been there). so this wasn't exactly a post about lost love, but hey, it's my blog and i'll write what i want to.

ouch.

1. drove back to my summer program place today. all i know is that after 8 hours in a car and with only two stops, my butt sure is hurting. 
2. watched the bachelorette show that i missed last night and got to see some of lisbon, portugal from the show. it looks beautiful! just another place in europe to visit...
3. had good talks with friends today/tonight. can't wait to be back at school and with everyone again!

i'm really tired and want to go to bed. but i have a blog topic for tomorrow night, if nothing else pops into my head. lost love. this topic is fueled by the second half of the bachelorette that i watched tonight featuring jake and vienna on why their relationship ended. both called the other a "fame whore." all i have to say about that is...you went on TV to find love--of course both of them are fame whores!

a "quasi" post

1. went tubing today on a river for my boyfriend's sister's 18th birthday. fun times all around but it made me really tired and dehydrated and my lips got sunburned. i was happy to be invited, though. 
2. had a family dinner and talked about the rest of my summer and plans for moving back to college.
3. played scrabble for the first time in my life! ending score: 98; final score: 83. not bad for a first timer?

don't let other people make you think that you are wrong! believe in yourself and take a stand! i had the word "quasi" spelled out on the board tonight and the Q was worth 10 points and also was a double letter score, so it would have been 20 points + the points for the other letters. but my ex-english teacher mother told me that quasi was always a prefix and i couldn't use it. so instead of sticking with my word and winning the points and making her lose a turn, i backed down. stupid, stupid me. so i learned my lesson the hard way and now know to stand my ground. and i wouldn't have lost 10 points at the end either because i would have used my Q. hmph. so that's my scrabble story. don't make the same mistake i did!

happy 4th of july!

1. had the family over for a big 4th of july party! i loved seeing everyone and had such a great time. 
2. i got an early birthday present that i am very excited about! crate and barrel, here i come...
3. watched the fireworks at the community center to end the celebration. 

this is one of those nights where i don't really want to be blogging, i just want to be sleeping. but i had a great day and i'm glad i got to celebrate america's birthday with my family. how exciting to think about what happened on the first birthday! such intrigue and excitement and sadness and newness! cool stuff like that doesn't happen anymore! then again, i am biased and think the revolutionary war is really cool. even though it was gruesome and tiring. but hey, we were fighting for independence! pretty damn cool story, if you ask me.

watch fireworks on the capitol steps in DC