fear.

1. great day--slept in, basketball game, dinner with friends, relaxing night.
2. i like comments on my blog (!).
3. missing friends from home; i'm ready to see my people again. i wish they could just all come visit at once so i could have school friends and home friends all in one place.

the title says it all. that itty bitty four letter word can wreak havoc in this life, this world. fear can run people's lives and control actions and words and even thoughts. i can't imagine what it would be like to live with a phobia. we all have our fears and our aversions, but to have an intense phobia of something would be awful. i guess i have some pretty run-of-the-mill fears. i'm afraid of not being all that i can be. i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of missing out on opportunities because of my fear of change. i'm afraid of roller coasters (note last bucket list item), i'm afraid of dying a painful or early death, i'm afraid of jellyfish (!), and i can be afraid of flying. all of these things seem so evolutionary though. as humans we are supposed to fear things that could prevent the passing on of our genes. but how to some people end up afraid of snakes, other spiders, others sharks, and others heights? it's weird, isn't it, how we all have the same basic idea behind some fears but they manifest in different ways? it seems, then, that a combination of learned and innate factors would make fears different yet the same. and we all have egos, so a fear of failure would be expected. but what is important to each of us and what we don't want to fail at varies so much. the moral of this post: life is complicated, and fear makes it more complicated. while i just want to be my best person and be happy and live my life, the fear (counterintuitively) holds me back.

sentimental

1. i pressed the snooze button so many times; it was an amazing feeling. 
2. i got to spend today doing what i love--chilling. went to the mall with two of my girls, and now i'm chilling with more (new!) friends. 
3. it's snowing here! i love snow.

"i guess i'm sentimental over you." great lyrics. but really, i've been thinking a lot lately about all the great times i've had in my life. i've been so fortunate to experience so much and i'm so thankful that i get the opportunity to experience more each day. the summer before and my freshman year in college was probably the best year of my life so far. i had the most amazing time strengthening friendships, meeting new people in college, and experiencing life on my own. the first year was like no other. there will never be a year like it again in my life--isn't that crazy?! i learned so much about myself and grew a lot as a person, and met some amazing people along the way. so major shoutouts go to my suities, the guys next door, and everyone else great i met that first year in school. i miss it every day. i can't replicate those memories and wouldn't trade them for everything. sure, not everything was great (cough cough) but it was all part of the experience, you know? like i said, i would change nothing. the people i met, the places i went, the nights, the days, everything was so influential for me and beyond my best hopes. when i'm feeling really stressed or anxious, i just remember the lesson i learned freshman year: maintain balance. don't study/party too much--balance the two spheres of life and all will be well. this sounds so pensive and corny but it's true. man, i love college.

don't know

1. turned in my paper today. it's possibly the worst one i've ever written, but i'm okay with that. it's the weekend! i get to my last class on thursday and remember how much i love having four day weekends.
2. i painted my fingernails black today in celebration for valentine's day. bring on sunday; seeing a movie with friends, eating yummy food, doing homework, and drinking vino. keep it classy and love-free.
3. and now i'm hanging out with friends. tonight will be a good, good night!

i almost forgot to blog! that's happened several times though. anyway, in the spirit of valentine's day, i'm going to write about the day when i wasn't bitter about this special day on february 14th. back in elementary school! when everyone brought valentines for everyone else, when it was a day of candy and love-related math problems and word finds. back in the days when we all loved each other and everyone was friends (at least for a day). this one time, i was behind my friend when he fell off the slide. he broke his arm and claims to this day that i pushed him. not true. but look at us now--best friends. i've had my share of good and bad valentine's days...see sunday for those stories...but i'm just feeling sentimental i suppose. when did i get old enough to be in college?! this is crazy sometimes, thinking about those days in elementary school and even middle school. i can still remember day one of kindergarten and preschool and daycare. it's crazy the people who have come in my life, left my life, but still shaped me into who i am today. i can remember friends i had who i couldn't even tell you whether they are dead or alive now. but the point is, those years were amazing. i loved elementary school and valentine's day. but those days are in the past.

this is it

1. only one meeting today--shocker! venturing outside was a poor life decision, though. it was windy and freezing cold! my jacket was definitely not enough protection from the violent winter weather. but i'd rather wind than rain!
2. added to my forever growing collection of school shirts today--i guess tonight's major event made me feel like it was a necessity. 
3. i'm excited for this weekend! i love weekends in college. for some reason they are way better than weekends in high school ever were. 

well, the night has come. the greatest rivalry in college sports is about to commence. and i have a ticket, biatch! i'm SO excited! i really hope we win, but there is a definite chance that we won't. i have hope, however (please see last night's post)! tonight has the potential to be amazing. and even if it's not, i'll be the best fan that i can and remember this game forevermore. i hate the opposing team. and while i'm doing my best not to reveal personal details, anyone reading this may be able to figure out where i go to school based on this post. but i just had to talk about this rivalry tonight. i can't explain the hatred i have for this school. i used to think in high school that i hated our rival school, but that hatred pales in comparison to what i feel now. it's is inexplicable and yet totally understandable for any fan of my school. i hate, loath, despise everything about the other school. the people, the academics, the sports, the campus, the city, everything. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCHOOL SUCKS. end of story. and even if we don't win tonight, we will ALWAYS win off the court because we are ALWAYS better. okay, i'm trying to not get violent in this post so i'll leave it at that. go to hell...you know who you are.

oh, angles.

1. i had an unwelcome but useful review of geometry today. i understood it much more the second time around--and like it a lot more. why did my 9th grade teacher not teach like that?!
2. it rained today...i had no umbrella until i was lent one. long day, but good day! i still have a paper to write for thursday though, not fun. 
3. big game tomorrow--so excited! and i actually don't have crazy amounts of meetings to attend, so i can actually write this paper and then go to the game. good times!

quick one tonight! lots to do tomorrow and not much to say really. i feel like everyone is surprised when i don't have much to say; i have always had quite the reputation for being a chatterbox. i think a good topic for tonight is pessimism/optimism. i have always been an optimist, except in certain situations in which i become a complete pessimist. for example, the big game tomorrow night? totally pessimistic. but getting into the grad school of my dreams (which will remain unnamed)--totally optimistic. i have this annoying way of being super optimistic for other people too. i like to be cheerful and positive and try to lift people's spirits. i am almost never a debbie downer for other people's lives or issues or concerns. now i can be very pessimistic about my own prospects if the situation is fitting, don't get me wrong. but i like to stay positive if at all possible. it can override my realistic and rational side, but oh well--that's just me. i like this whole theme of being me that i'm living with lately. this blog has been good for me. i'm still very happy with my decision to keep this as a new year's resolution. hopefully the upward trend will continue (and that's the optimist in me...)!

your turn

1. my favorite ice cream flavor has changed. the main favorite flavor is still cookie dough (duh, the best) but my favorite between chocolate and vanilla has changed to vanilla. it's not as heavy as chocolate and is still just as delicious--plain, but delightful.
2. busy week! but i like being busy--it keeps me motivated to plan my time well, stay organized, and keep on pushing. or, in other words, it makes me be an "overachiever."
3. i have become mildly addicted to skype. nothing major, just...a minor problem right now. well, not problem...yet...

it's girl's night tonight! the major dating tips i have for girls are as follows. and no, i'm not saying i am perfect at the dating scene (uh, come on), but i have some general advice that i have gotten from guys about dating that i feel may be useful for other women!

1. don't be a bitch--this just needed to be said, right off the bat. i'm not using this term to be derogatory towards women; it's similar to how i used asshole last night for guys. i'm just referring to last night's post to by being clear that guys have egos. fragile-as-spun sugar egos. so girls, we don't need to be mean when interacting with guys. if they are not getting the picture that you are not interested (drunk/clingy/stupid), then just be blunt. let them down, but easily. leave the poor guy the ability to recover and hit on other girls. so whether it's while letting a guy down, communicating a need (more drink?), or simply interacting in any way, there is usually no need to be bitchy. exceptions do exist.
2. be clear--yes, this goes for girls too. we need to work on being clear, ladies. just get to the damn point. be up front with guys about what you're looking for. mixed signals are annoying from guys, right? so what makes you think guys aren't annoyed by them? of course mixed signals, unclear communication, and lies are annoying for guys. i'm convinced that guys and girls share a lot of dating goals but just see them in different ways. everyone wants people to be straight with them--so just do it. just be clear, tell the truth, but don't give up your mystery.
3. don't be hypocritical--this really annoys me. if you are dressing like a skank and a guy treats you like one, don't be surprised. guys are simple--they see, they like, they want, they go after. remember that guys think with their sex drive and girls think with their brains (in most cases). so if you are dressing, acting, and talking like a slut, guys will treat you that way. there are ways to be sexy and inviting without being slutty. guys will respect that every day of the week, but won't respect a hypocrite. there are some exceptions, like when you are just wearing clothes and guys find the extreme need to remind you that you have breasts. thanks, i know. but just show yourself how you want to be perceived and don't mess around with guys minds (it may be funny, but be kind).
4. approach him--guys can be wusses! and i addressed this in last night's post, but it needs to be encouraged on both sides. girls, you shouldn't be afraid to approach guys. they are probably intimidated by your beauty, charm, intellect, humor, and kindness. so just approach him! sure, it can be scary, and he might have a girlfriend, or be a jerk, but so what? just move on and try again. you can't except to just be lazy and have good things fall from the sky (sorry, weather girls). there needs to be balance between chasing and being chased though. don't do all the work, but the guys shouldn't have to do everything either. let's make this a little more equal.
5. don't settle--if you know what kind of a man you want, don't take less. be your own person, don't rely on a man! do what makes you happy. that's some scattered advice but losing yourself in a relationship or in the dating quest will never work out well in the end. just be you and be happy with yourself before trying to get involved with a guy.

"such a big ego"

1. woke up in a gloriously comfortable bed, nice change from college, and had a good morning with my sister that was a follow-up after a good night!
2. two teams i actually cared about were in the super bowl! and the one i wanted to win actually did! GEAUX SAINTS!!! who dat nation baby.
3. decided to not write the optional paper for my class on tuesday. great decision, i think! that means i'll have to write one in two weeks--but hey, that's two weeks away! and i have an extra busy week ahead.

okay, i've decided to do it--tips for guys for improvement on the dating scene. let's see if i can be tactful but truthful for this one...

WARNING: POTENTIAL FOR BRUISED EGO AHEAD

1. lack of confidence--now, this is a delicate one. confidence≠liquid courage. i'm not saying that getting drunk and asking out a girl will make your dating life awesome. i'm saying have real confidence. but don't be a hot shot. girls are typically turned off by overly active egos and turned on by confidence. think of it this way: if she turns you down, you can just go find the hotter version of her and ask her out instead. that may sound (eek!) scary, but it's true. i'm going to tell you guys a secret--everyone (yes, that means every single person) gets rejected. it happens. suck it up, put a bandaid on your ego bruise, and move on to bigger and better things! believe in yourself.
2. know when to walk away--this is kind of the flip side of the previous one. again, alcohol makes these situations much worse. would you rather the girl slap you when you try to dance with her after she already said no? exactly. so just know when the chance has evaporated. most girls will be clear about this. walking away, dancing with other guys, talking to her friends, and looks of disgust are all good indicators that a girl is not into you. so just know when to gracefully move on, and do it. maybe collect yourself in the corner (but don't look creepy) and then regroup with your wing man, and get to talking to other girls. think about it like a probability--one girl out of a whole bar/room/party will like you. most likely...let's hope so...or else these tips probably won't help you...
3. to speak or to shut up--this kind of melds the first two, but also brings in a new aspect. be smart about what you say to a girl you are interested in. for example, if you are thinking "wow her tits look great today," i suggest not saying it out loud. if you just thought about hooking up with her, don't count the times out loud. get the picture? also, don't lie about stupid stuff. if you lie to attract a girl, then you have to keep lying until you stop seeing said girl. you tell a girl at a bar: "oh yeah, i'm a professional movie reviewer" when you're really a dump truck driver (no dig intended at either job) then she's going to want to read your articles and hear your movie suggestions--then you have to lie more and end up the creek without a paddle if the relationship lasts more than a night (which it may not--see below).
4. be clear--again, alcohol factors in here. while i mean this in more than one way, the most literal sense is always helpful too--don't slur your words, speak a different language, or get confused mid-conversation. also, be clear about your intentions with a girl. if you want to be single and are enjoying that, then say so: that you're looking for something casual and are open to hanging out. if you are in it to meet a girl for a relationship, say so from the near-beginning. no, don't say "hi, i'm ______ and i want a relationship!" weird. just let the girl know, if things go well, that you are looking to maybe see how things could develop long-term. don't be weird, don't be an asshole, and don't tell half-truths. just be straight with girls--we can handle it, i promise. and if a girl can't handle it, she's probably not right for you anyway.
5. don't be...--an ass. a creeper. a liar. a tool. those are the four basic things--avoid most instances of these nouns and your dating life should take off soon!

it's sunday--bucket list time. i want to ride a scary rollercoaster!