guilt

1. had a wonderful day with the YaYas--went to lunch and had a birthday celebration for my mom!
2. watched the final four games--such a disappointment for both games. hopefully butler wins (kills, embarrasses, destroys) duke on monday night!
3. went to bed early in preparation for easter sunday; it's my second favorite church service (next to christmas, of course).

okay, so i'm mildly upset with myself. i did not follow through on all of my lent list items every day. some days i stuck to it, but other days i gave in and had one of the items, but not the others. i think it's interesting, though, that for the 50 days of the easter season, the confession of sin is not said in the episcopal church (i'm a cradle episcopalian). it's like during the easter season, all is forgiven automatically because Jesus was risen from the dead. however, i still feel guilty about this lenten season because i slacked off. this is the first year that i have not strictly stuck to my lenten promise of giving something up. when i was a kid, it was always ice cream. and i never had it on sundays either because my mom just wouldn't keep it in the house during lent. when i got older, i would add school cookies or something similar to the list. last year: facebook and dining hall cookies. it was the toughest year yet, but totally worth it. this year, while i stuck to some things, i didn't really attempt to practice the discipline of the lenten season. i felt guilty in the beginning, but soon washed my hands of that guilt. looking back, i see how much being raised religious affected my thinking. was there any reason that i should feel guilty for eating/drinking what was "forbidden," other than the church said i wasn't supposed to for 40 days and nights? not really. but i have been raised to practice lent and this is the first year that i haven't. it was interesting, though, to see my reaction. and i'm ready for easter tomorrow; while the celebration of lent ending will not be as sweet, it is still just as beautiful of a service and special of a day.

both worlds

1. project runway is distracting me. 
2. i went to my sister's school today and ate lunch with her and someone else, then spent some time in the city. it was a great day (like, great day).
3. i had a delicious dinner with my family and watched the blind side for a second time. i really like that movie.

so where i am from is hard for people to understand unless they grew up somewhere like i did. most people i've met in college do not get it. they just...don't understand my hometown.  but where i am from is a special place. it's country and hick and backwoods (backwards, too). but it's unique and holds an interesting place in my heart. i lived in one house my entire life, the house my daddy built all by himself. i have none nothing else, and i would change nothing about where i grew up or how i grew up. it shaped me tremendously. maybe it's obvious to say that where i grew up shaped me, but i feel that how i was raised mixed with where i was raised made me into the person i am today. and both influences keep shaping me. my hometown is different from my college town, almost polar opposite. but the two put together have done a lot for my personal growth. people may criticize both places, i even criticize both places, but in the end, they have done a lot to make me, well, me. C.

wedding bells?

1. "i'm at a place called vertigo."
2. went to class, had lunch with friends, relaxed, went to class, skipped class, drove home with friends. great day. and i'm so happy to be home for easter!
3. talked more with the girl who i am (most likely) subletting from this summer and it's very close to being official! we just have to work out final details and sign a lease. SO EXCITED.

so i was watching WEtv with my suitemates the other day (typical) and was fascinated by the shows "platinum brides" and "bridezillas." such concepts for entertainment. if you are not familiar, "platinum brides" is basically a show about who can spend the most money on a wedding. the prices for everything are given and they are outrageous. it's just...ridiculous. "bridezillas" is a show about horribly bitchy women who make everyone's lives miserable so that they can be "generously compensated" a.k.a. get a free honeymoon. it may actually be worth it to go onto national television and act hella bitchy for a free honeymoon...but anyway. while the shows are entertaining and funny and ridiculous, they also exemplify how wrapped up in the wedding culture our society has become. what happened to focusing on the groom rather than the thousands of dollars you are spending on a 12 hour day. i know, i know, it's supposed to be the most important day of your life. but...why? if you are marrying someone you love and will spend your life with, isn't that day just the beginning of the rest of your life? also, it's not like you weren't dating the person before you married them; like, you know who you are marrying and why you love them, so why is the wedding day such a huge deal? and shouldn't other days be really important too? like the birth of children, graduating college, getting a dream job, the death of parents, etc.? anyway, i hate to see how obsessed people have become with weddings and seem to have forgotten about the groom/bride. just give me a place, dress, food, and music...then a baller honeymoon! the wedding should be about the couple and spending time together--not the hooplah involved with the actual process. it's all so commercialized and overblown. use that money more wisely and build a future together. so that's my tirade about weddings. with all that said, i do like "say yes to the dress" on TLC, though that show is rather ridiculous also...but what's important to me is that my wedding will be simpler.

passion

1. noooo classes. i laid out in the sun today on my dorm lawn and read homework. it was amazing. i love sunshine. 
2. had my lab meeting and watched top model and spent my night with someone. 
3. i go home for easter tomorrow! just three days between a weekend with my family; i couldn't be happier.

i am unable to understand how someone cannot love what they are studying in school. maybe this is just blind naivete on my part, but i can't imagine not really caring about or respecting the field one is spending time studying for 4+ years. i am in love with my major, but i am not stupid about its shortcomings. i know that there are failings in my field but i also couldn't imagine spending my life any other way. i am incredibly passionate about it and want to just learn everything i can and then take that knowledge and run with it and change lives. so yeah, that's my rant for tonight. love what you do, or it will never be worth it.

...we're lost

1. got out of my last class early because my teacher has a sore throat. sucks for him, but it was great for me!
2. we only lost our softball game by 2 runs, and we started our kickball team today! my team name suggestion, team "kick you in the balls," was too long, so we settled on team "kicks balls." vulgar, but collegiate. 
3. planned out my fall semester--i'm hopeful that as a junior (OMG) i'll actually get into the classes that i want. we shall see if the registration gods look favorably upon me...

the death of the american frontier mentality: the GPS. i hate the GPS. it has turned almost all smart and respectable drivers into whiny, incapable tykes who are unable to function without the omnipotent machine telling them to "turn right in 400 yards" in a monotone, robotic voice. the GPS has reduced the american vision of conquering new territories and stepping out into the world to a rubbish heap of boring and worrisome planned-out trips. the most exciting thing about traveling is using a map and figuring out where you are and how you got lost and how to get found again! it's a challenge that has faced humans for many thousands of years and the GPS is now destroying the human intuition for direction and judgment. it is f***ing with evolution, for pete's sake. and we just sit there and take it?! inconceivable! how has this happened?! how do we stand for tv commercials with freaky GPS devices locking the driver in his car and demanding he give the newly purchased diamond necklace to the GPS before being able to drive? that is just weird. unacceptable, and weird. the GPS has screwed with the very confidence of drivers in their ability to figure it out. i think this is when a differentiation is necessary: maps are and have always been very useful tools for deciphering location; the GPS is a usually-wrong-falsely-proclaimed-as-always-right piece of equipment that has hijacked the ability of the driver to operate solo. basically, i think that the GPS is part of the decline of civilization. and i think using one is a terrible mistake. just...use a map. they will be right, i promise. just go get lost somewhere and challenge yourself to find a way out. if you want to be really crafty (and slightly stupid), don't bring your cell phone (gasp!).

on the road again

1. no classes today, but did work and went to two meetings. i love my major. i'm so excited about it. 
2. had a really good talk tonight.
3. decided that i absolutely want to study abroad next spring and i absolutely want to live my life for me. 

like my third one says, i have decided to keep living my life for me. i want so many things and i expect so much from myself. but i know that i have the ability to complete all these goals and more, and i definitely have the desire. i'm very interested to see where my life will take me, and scared that it will be in a direction i haven't intended (which will most likely be the case). anyway, it will be...so emotional to watch my life play out. i'm excited to live my college life, and to see what is out there for me after college.

"say what you mean to say"

1. great day! i spent it with someone special.
2. went to a delicious dinner (again). is it becoming clear that my life revolves around food?
3. i cleaned my room! up next on the chore list: laundry.

let me preface this by saying that the family nickname for dr. freud is "dr. fraud." i fully support this nickname--freud is 90% bull, 5% lucky, 5% correct. so with that said, one of the things he was right about is the infamous "freudian slip," or, "parapraxis." it is also known as the "oh, shit" moment. it's when you are trying to say something and instead say something different. freud interpreted these moments as glimpses into the unconscious desires of the person who made the freudian slip. while sometimes mistakes of speech happen, most of the time, the thing that is said on accident is what the person is actually thinking about. and while it may not have been conscious thought, it was happening somewhere under the surface of the cognitive activity. i'm a fan of saying what i mean and being upfront and telling the truth. but tonight, my unconscious told the truth. it was rather embarrassing and weird, but funny at the same time. and while i may not have actively thought about what slipped from my mouth, it definitely made sense and fit the context. moral of the story: tell the truth, because if you don't, your unconscious will tell it anyway.

bucket list: have a garden of flowers