snow bunny

1. went snowboarding today at keystone and it was amazing. i've never boarded anything like that mountain before. and now i'm addicted.
2. getting ready for a good night.
3. i'm so excited that i got to start my break with my friend in boulder and then i get to go home and do that whole scene. it should be a good break from school.

today, i had some amazing time on the slopes. it was so exhilirating and indescribable. the last few runs just felt so good, i can't even believe. and the people i boarded with get to experience this whenever they want. it's crazy how much they take advantage of the beauty. i would just stop sometimes, spellbound by my surroundings, and try to point out to them why i was so happy. but they just seemed like it was second nature. the rockies covered in snow are...breathtaking. and it's just hard to put into words how the experience made me feel. it was so pure and i felt so connected to everything around me. it just really made me feel alive. it was something different than anything else i've felt. and it just made me so appreciative and so humbled. i felt peaceful and excited all at once. i am really having difficulty eloquently expressing how i felt out there today, but what's important i guess is that i know how it feels and i am able to keep that feeling with me. sorry for the short post again; i was hoping i could make it more in-depth, but i think short and sweet works for now. and plus, i'm on vacation anyway.

simply wonderful

1. SPRING BREAK!!!
2. SPRING BREAK!!!
3. SPRING BREAK!!!

that's really all these is to say. i am on spring break. i did two things today that i've never done before! i flew all by myself, and am in colorado! it's so exciting. boulder=beautiful. the vibe in this town is ridiculously chill and reminds me so much of the city near my hometown. sometimes i forget when i'm in college how much i love the area i'm from...the mountains will always call to me. but this place, these rockies, are a totally new kind of beauty. they are stark and formidable and barren and snowy and beautiful. i am just in the most amazing mood right now. something about this place and being with one of my besties from home is perfect. and this night will be SO FUN and boarding tomorrow will be SO FUN. and i'm here through monday (YAY). then, back to my hometown for family time and home time. then the second half of the semester, then summer. the best season ever. so yeah, right now, i'm basically just "simply wonderful."

safety

1. had three classes today; it felt amazing. it was a beautiful day here; i love gorgeous weather. i had a great night; spring break has started!
2. i woke up at 7:15 to do laundry this morning. i'm so dedicated (actually, i was just out of clothes, so i had no choice). that wasn't fun...
3. i talked to the grad student from the lab where i'll be working this summer. i'm SO excited! we got some more specifics figured out, and i'm going to start looking for housing when i'm home over break.

i am flying tomorrow. isn't it ironic that my mantra is "to fly," yet i'm pretty uncomfortable with flying in a plane. i just always feel so sure that something is going to go wrong and i will surely die. i know that the rates of car crash death are way more than plane crash death, but i can't help but think that if something does go wrong on that plane, my chances of survival are way smaller. and i don't mean for this post to be morbid, but i just think about it a lot before i fly. or travel long distances. but i never think about it when just driving around campus or around my hometown, even though that's when your chances of getting in a car wreck are highest. sometimes i can feel safe, though. i spend a fair amount of my time worried about dying young. but when i worry about this, i try to be rational and think statistically and remind myself that i most likely will live to an old age. but even as i'm typing these words, i am gripped with fear. a fear that i won't live out my potential. and what if i do get in a plane crash or a car wreck or something falls on me from the sky? then what? there is so much i haven't said and so much i haven't done. i'm just terrified. i mean, no one actually thinks that their plane is going to be the one to crash. but think about the people who are on those planes that do crash. i can't even imagine. but i need to remember my safety nets. i feel safe when i think about certain people or certain situations. so hopefully i can remember these people and situations and feel better when i'm lifting off tomorrow. let's fly.

funny how things happen

1. i love it when the whole laundry room isn't functioning because the main service box is "out of service." especially when i no longer have underwear or pants, and refuse to wear leggings as pants. thanks, dorm!
2. i dropped library science today. it felt great! that class was so stupid and i didn't care about it at all. first time that has happened to me in college.
3. spring break is so close, so close. and i am going to have the best time ever. and then i get to see my family and spend time with them in my beautiful hometown. and play with my cat! yay for spring break and the semester being half over.

the timing of life never ceases to surprise me. i got an email today from my church's listserve informing me that the service for sunday has changed and will be "a very different kind of 'Episcopal' service than normal." while this may seem insignificant to many, it's a big deal for me. i can't really explain it...but it's like as soon as i accuse organized religion of being rigid and imperfect, i get this message that it can be flexible and the innate beauty i used to see in church services can be brought forth again. and i very much appreciate the comment on my post from last night--humans cannot comprehend the mind of God. how very true. we all try to, but i feel like i question and judge and wonder even more than normal. that's hard to say for sure, but it's how i feel. but these two things have helped reinforce my faith, even if in small ways. like i said, faith is enormously personal and what is significant to me may not be important to anyone else. but i always look for signs in every aspect of my life. to me, these are signs that i am not alone and that some being is laughing at the dramatic irony. also, as soon as i started to feel uber confident about my work in the two labs, something happened that immediately grounded me and served as a sort of reality check. i am not perfect. this blog has given me a new mantra, "to fly," and while "i am not perfect" isn't a mantra, it's a good thing for me to remember. this life, i love how it just works.

"belief is a beautiful armor"

1. had class all day; it was pretty cold here but the rain/sleet/snow didn't start until evening, so that was a plus. but still, i just want sunshine and snow (spring break!) and sunshine and warm weather (this summer!).
2. saw the original manchurian candidate tonight for my history class. really good movie. made me think back to my post about the military and psychology and ethics.
3. i just want to sleep, for hours and hours and hours. that, and i want to wake up in hawaii. 

this is a really hard post for me. it's hard to admit that i am struggling with something i was raised to believe in. but then again, i think this is what people do, or attempt to do--question. i am a cradle episcopalian, meaning i was born and raised in the episcopal church. and i love my church family and i love how i was raised and the people i met through youth council and conferences. and i love the strength and the clarity my faith has given me. although i don't go to church now, and don't even know if i still identify with any set of beliefs, i just have this feeling inside me that some being is with me, helping me and protecting me. and when i am weak, their is a strength that comes to me. but i have a lot of issue with being told that i need to feel that presence in a church. don't get me wrong, i love the feeling that church gives me. the ritual and the ceremony brings me a peace that is unmatched in almost any other capacity. but i can feel that alone on the top of haleakala, or on the beach, or standing in the sunshine, or watching the rain. notice how those examples all dealt with nature. but what is most important to me right now is finding out who i am. and i have always been defined, in large part, by my religion. but i am struggling to keep that part of me alive. i don't go to church in college, i don't even really pray, except by just having conversations with myself. but as much as i feel cynical about organized religion, i feel this urge to have faith. i see religion and faith as two very separate, but related, concepts. i have faith in a higher power. while i have always struggled with the fundamental question "does God exist?", it has only helped me even more to explore what this life is about. there won't always be someone there for me, so i need to learn to rely on myself. but i also know that i have someone or something there for me. but then i hear the nagging voice wondering what happens if i'm wrong. isn't religion just a human creation based on a need to believe that this ephemeral life isn't all there is for us? or do religions stem from actual deities who spread their word among mortals? and this is a question i don't think anyone really has the ability to truly answer, though each person can answer for his/herself. but religion and faith...religion was born from a need to share faith with others. but what is so wrong with everyone believing in his/her own higher power? why the wars and killings and hate over which religion is right and which is wrong? and why the inability to separate religion from every aspect of life (government, relationships, the workplace, etc.)? it's because religion is a creation of humans. whether or not it's based in truth is a question i cannot answer, but organized religion is imperfect simply because humans are imperfect. i have accepted that. what is more difficult for me is figuring out where i fit in on this issue, and how decisions i make will affect others in my life (namely my husband and my children). but i think that's what these years (and this life) are all about--figuring out where i fit in the beautiful mess.

how sweet it is

1. good day! went on a recruiting adventure, had a fun meeting, and did homework. it was a beautiful day and spring break is almost here...friday, please come sooner.
2. the bachelor season finale was tonight. fml, he chose the wrong girl. america hates him and i hope he knows it...stupid jake and vienna. 
3. some of the work just got finished, but more was piled on. isn't that how hell week before spring break always is...oh well.

this episode of the bachelor has made me so cynical about love. he chose the wrong girl! everyone knows it! isn't it so frustrating when everyone can see that two people are wrong for each other, but the people involved can't see it. that's how i feel about this episode, as well as about other people in my life not directly involved with me but still connected to me. hindsight is 20/20 and i also think that the input of those around someone is incredibly valuable. the good friends and family will always be honest, yet tactful. allowing one to live life and experience mistakes and failure, but be there when the dust settles. so there is a lot to say about love. there is family love, friendship love, romantic love, sexual love, just to name a few. and the important relationships in my life are each characterized  by one or more types of love. but the whole reason i'm writing this post is almost as a tribute to the unique and enduring love my parents have shared. me talking about my loving relationships with other people can wait, or not be said at all. i'll have to see how i feel about it later. anyway, my parents have shaped so much how i think about love and how i think a marriage should be. and i know that everyone is shaped by their parents' marriage or divorce or absence. sometimes, i was afraid my parents would get divorced when i was little. i saw them fighting and loved each one so much that i was always confused when they fought and were upset with one another. but my sister calmly explained to me something that changed my perception of my parents' relationship (granted, it took some time). she told me that they would never get divorced and would always be together because neither could be with anyone else. it's so true, too. my dad and mom would not be happy with anyone else. they are just...so exactly what the other person needs. when my dad is stubborn and irate, my mom just rolls her eyes and points out his flawed logic and brings out the steely resolve that she has too. my mom always claimed i got my stubbornness from my dad, but really, she is just as stubborn, she is just more accepting of change than me and dad. anyway, when my mom is nagging and relentless, my dad can just tell her to stop being so overbearing and calm down. my parents need their alone time too, and both respect that. we were never a family that spent every minute together, not by any means. but we all worked and i think it's because they worked. they both taught me the value of independence--it is now one of the most important things to me and one of the most important things i preserve about myself. but back to the story, my parents love each other more than i thought possible, and it's taken me growing up to see that they truly couldn't be without one another and be happy. it's just how they function. they have made me believe in love. and them spending 30 years married is incredible to me. and raising two daughters during that time and going through so much together, i can't even imagine the difficulty. but their love and their bond has pulled them through and will keep pulling them through for the gold and diamond anniversaries. i'm not trying to paint a picture of their relationship being perfect, because it's not by any means. but it works. and in today's society, to me, that is a miracle every day.

not enough time

1. had a great weekend. end of story. so much fun. i love college.
2. had a delicious dinner at carrabba's tonight.
3. the bachelor season finale is tomorrow night!!!

so there isn't time enough tonight to talk about what i want to, so i'm going to lead into my posts for the next two days. tomorrow night i am going to talk about love/marriage in honor of my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. and tuesday night (barring any significant triggers) i am going to talk about religion and faith. these next two posts are ones that i am excited about and want to spend some time on. they'll also help break the pattern i get in to on weekends of not blogging that much. so yeah, tonight i don't have much to say really! or i do, but i don't have nearly enough time to talk about religion and faith tonight. so i hope everyone reading this has a great week! it's almost spring break for me, so yay! and it's almost summer for everyone else...yay! in honor of being excited about summer, a picture from my trip last summer to hawaii!

one thing i want to do...travel to egypt and greece.