7/11

1. woke up late, watched the soccer game (viva espana!) and went to the gym. 
2. planned an outfit for tomorrow, read an article, watched foot network. 
3. started night by elie wiesel and can barely put it down. the writing is so honest and so succinct and so heartbreaking. 

i can't even imagine the holocaust. i put down night when i got to a chapter break and got up to walk to the kitchen to make a frozen dinner. i paused in the doorway and almost started to cry. i could hit myself for how ungrateful i am. not ungrateful, but unappreciative. no, that isn't the right word either. jaded comes closer, i think. i think every holocaust conversation that happens eventually comes to the place i came to tonight--how can i be so worried about some of the stuff i'm worried about when people lived through something like the holocaust? and it is not in the past; it will never be in the past as long as genocides happen, like the ones in the sudan and in darfur and to our planet earth. yes, i think humans are committing a mass genocide against earth. few people acknowledge it, few people try to prevent it or try to fix it, and few people care enough to rise up against the mass consumerism. elie talks in the intro and also in the actual book about his loss of faith. if they were God's chosen people, how were the Jews being subjected to such annihilation and suffering? it was the cruelest torture. and now, God's creation, must be asking the same questions. if you created us and love us and intended us to be used wisely and with care and compassion, how can you let these horrible things happen to us? every evil in this world is just a product of another evil. why are the pink dolphins in the amazon being killed and used as bait, with the carcasses left to rot on the shores? because the people of the amazon region are starved and impoverished and need money for their families. why do they need money for their families? because they are uneducated and don't have access to health care and birth control and cannot control their population. why the lack of basic health care and education, seemingly inherent rights of humanity? there is no government funding and no one who really cares. why no money and no one to care? i am growing tired of answering these questions. they may not even be the right answers. it's just so frustrating. i am outraged at the murdering of the pink dolphins, but how can i be so angry with poor citizens just trying to survive? and questions like that follow all the answers that involve blame. where does the cycle begin? where does it stop?

bucket list item: donate time and money to my causes.