"belief is a beautiful armor"

1. had class all day; it was pretty cold here but the rain/sleet/snow didn't start until evening, so that was a plus. but still, i just want sunshine and snow (spring break!) and sunshine and warm weather (this summer!).
2. saw the original manchurian candidate tonight for my history class. really good movie. made me think back to my post about the military and psychology and ethics.
3. i just want to sleep, for hours and hours and hours. that, and i want to wake up in hawaii. 

this is a really hard post for me. it's hard to admit that i am struggling with something i was raised to believe in. but then again, i think this is what people do, or attempt to do--question. i am a cradle episcopalian, meaning i was born and raised in the episcopal church. and i love my church family and i love how i was raised and the people i met through youth council and conferences. and i love the strength and the clarity my faith has given me. although i don't go to church now, and don't even know if i still identify with any set of beliefs, i just have this feeling inside me that some being is with me, helping me and protecting me. and when i am weak, their is a strength that comes to me. but i have a lot of issue with being told that i need to feel that presence in a church. don't get me wrong, i love the feeling that church gives me. the ritual and the ceremony brings me a peace that is unmatched in almost any other capacity. but i can feel that alone on the top of haleakala, or on the beach, or standing in the sunshine, or watching the rain. notice how those examples all dealt with nature. but what is most important to me right now is finding out who i am. and i have always been defined, in large part, by my religion. but i am struggling to keep that part of me alive. i don't go to church in college, i don't even really pray, except by just having conversations with myself. but as much as i feel cynical about organized religion, i feel this urge to have faith. i see religion and faith as two very separate, but related, concepts. i have faith in a higher power. while i have always struggled with the fundamental question "does God exist?", it has only helped me even more to explore what this life is about. there won't always be someone there for me, so i need to learn to rely on myself. but i also know that i have someone or something there for me. but then i hear the nagging voice wondering what happens if i'm wrong. isn't religion just a human creation based on a need to believe that this ephemeral life isn't all there is for us? or do religions stem from actual deities who spread their word among mortals? and this is a question i don't think anyone really has the ability to truly answer, though each person can answer for his/herself. but religion and faith...religion was born from a need to share faith with others. but what is so wrong with everyone believing in his/her own higher power? why the wars and killings and hate over which religion is right and which is wrong? and why the inability to separate religion from every aspect of life (government, relationships, the workplace, etc.)? it's because religion is a creation of humans. whether or not it's based in truth is a question i cannot answer, but organized religion is imperfect simply because humans are imperfect. i have accepted that. what is more difficult for me is figuring out where i fit in on this issue, and how decisions i make will affect others in my life (namely my husband and my children). but i think that's what these years (and this life) are all about--figuring out where i fit in the beautiful mess.