why why why

1. had a great day. had lunch with a friend, spent a lot of time replying to important emails, relaxed. i love fridays. went out to dinner, now hanging out with new friends.
2. got two packages today. so exciting. i love packages.
3. did i actually purchase jeans with holes in them? yes, but only because they were originally $80 and i got them for $20. am i a sucker for good deals? yes.

it seems like a growing trend that i don't have much to say on the weekend. maybe when i'm living (alone) this summer, my weekends will be more boring. i think a good subject for tonight is something i have noticed lately...a difference between men and women. while women support their friends "'does this dress look okay on me?' 'yes! are you crazy? everything looks good on you,'" men give their guy friends hell. for everything. "'did you get with that girl?' 'no, man, it didn't work out.' 'ohhh, what a loser!'" "'did you get with that girl?' 'yeah man, she was so hot.' 'ohhh, i can't believe you actually did her. so gross.'" i don't get it. truly, how can guys stand being cut down 24/7?! yes, yes, it's all in jest. but really, my self-esteem would plummet if my girls gave me as much hell as guys give to one another. but maybe, since they all make fun of each other all the time, it has less significance? i don't know. i wish i could figure out what goes through guys' heads. i would make a million dollars. but guys are...simple creatures. so it shouldn't be that hard, right? au contraire. end of story, guys are confusing. yes, girls are crazy, but guys are confusing. i wish everyone could just say what they mean! but then, life would be simple because guys would be simple. and we just can't have that.

let's get this understood

1. class all day today. i had to really drag myself to class today. but of course i went and of course i took notes and of course i contributed. geez. 
2. but i got out of class-related activities around 8:30 and got ready for my night out with friends! it was fun, being with (most) of my girl friends again and having fun. makes me excited for living off campus!
3. so, a confession. i ate alpine bagel three, yes three, times today within a seven hour period. what is wrong with me?! it's like lent starts and i give up all this junk food, so i just overcompensate with alpine bagel. but i don't even care, it was amazing each time. and i'm pretty sure the staff all love me.

so i had this important talk today with one of my lab advisers. grad-student-mentioned-in-last-night's-post and i talked some yesterday about how to approach this meeting. needless to say, it was a delicate meeting. we talked about...my academic career? even though i'm a sophomore? (really, i just wanted to say "i'm 19." and let the awkward silence happen; grad student, this reference is for you). anyway, this is all relatively irrelevant to what i want to talk about tonight, which is that feeling. you know what i mean, that feeling that things are just...going well. i get this sense that my life is on the up-and-up. i know what i want and know that i have the gumption to make this happen. i believe in myself more than ever right now, and i don't even know why! it's just this sense i get that things are dovetailing perfectly. this rarely happens in life, maybe like once or twice for me before this, but it's happening again. and i could be totally wrong? but i'm not. i can feel it in my heart and know in my head that i am doing things right. i am living 2010 how it needs to be lived so far, and i want to stay on this track. i am beyond excited for this summer, for the me time that will last three months. and it's almost spring break, which means my school year is almost over too, which is weirdly exciting. and i'm excited about housing for next year and my friends. this is one of those days when life is extraordinarily beautiful. and that's what this whole blog was about, right? finding the beauty in each day? i want to continue on this path of...being fully myself and loving myself for that.

this life of mine

1. oh you know, did the wednesday thing. GSH (jersey shore fans understand this reference, the uncultured do not). gym, shower, homework. then a few meetings here and there. now back to homework and hopefully going to bed early! 
2. had a talk with a grad student from one of my labs. we talked about a lot of stuff. please, read on to hear more about it...
3. this is one of those days like i mentioned in my first post (http://livinglife2010.blogspot.com/2010/01/beginning.html). there just isn't that much to say about the day-to-day life on a wednesday (usually). 

a theme in the conversation i had today with aforementioned grad student was about how to balance different professional paths. i have, for the longest time, wanted to help people. i guess it's called "a calling" but it's just something that has always been a part of me. i have to help people how people in my life have helped me. so another thing i have wanted is to be famous. not necessarily famous but...i want people to know my name. so the obvious juncture of these two wants is to do good things in this world that make me well-known. now, how to go about doing this is a different story. i want to say more and be more specific, but i can't. however most of you readers know enough about me to have a general idea of what my major is, what i want to do when i grow up, etc. so what can i do with this life of mine that makes me happy? all the things i want...i just feel this urge to be all i can be and to live my life to the absolute tip top. how can i maximize the good that i do in this world? questions like this are always on my mind, to some degree or another. more specifically what we talked about today was how to take the hard reality of life and meld it with lofty academic research world. i want my name in print, i want to change my field; but i also want to reach out to the people who are suffering and offer any guidance i can. i haven't been able to make it where i am without people reaching out to me, so how can i offer that same help to other people dealing with life? it's just all so confusing now. i know what i want...but how to get there? how to be all i can be? man, don't we all wish we knew the answer to that question. i want to repay the people in my life by being that person for someone else. i wish this didn't all sound so abstract, but i can't really get specific in this blog. and i feel like i've been rambling and repeating myself. but the basic points: i want to be great. i want to help people. how do i mesh the two in this convoluted world?

life=hard

1. sometimes, life is hard. thus, blogging is hard. there are things i want to say, but can't. the fact that this is online and public makes it a little harder...sometimes i just want privacy. but hey, i started this blog and i will finish it. some days are just harder than others. there are things i want to scream and say but i can't. there are things i want to cry about and ask for sympathy but i can't.
2. class was pretty painless today. and it was mardi gras, so i got to wear purple, green, and gold! but i'm jst tired. i need to sleep and recover my normal thought process.
3. lent starts tomorrow--giving up candy, cookies, ice cream, and soda (not that i drink that much...). so basically i'm giving up the stuff that is bad for me. this list may be added to at some point, but i'm not sure yet. we'll see as lent progresses if i want to be more ambitious--but this list suffices for now. 

i guess i have one thing to talk about, which i mentioned above. i'm struggling with wanting to just spill out my life details on this blog, but there is so much i can't say. i have people who read it and those people (no one, actually) needs to know the minute details of my life. but it's been getting difficult lately to manage keeping my privacy and anonymity and still sharing with the online world like i wanted to do when i started this blog. and i know some of my readers will want me to stop blogging, especially if this is starting to cause me some minor stress. but these same readers know how stubborn and dedicated i am--i will follow through. and i will continue to blog until december 31st of this year. isn't that weird? i will have blogged every day of the entire year of 2010. so i need to reiterate to myself that every day is a beautiful day, at least in some way. i need to remember why i'm writing this blog--so that's what i'm doing tonight. reinforcing my mission, almost 1.5 months into this year...

ain't no sunshine

1. wished every second of today that i was back in hawaii. 
2. it rained all day which matched perfectly my mood.
3. booked my spring break trip (the only real high point).

not a good night. not much to say. i guess this had colored my views of how my day actually was (it was pretty good). i just...i guess...want to talk about life. and how confusing and complicated it is and always will be. when people say "life doesn't have to be hard," they are very wrong. people are incredibly complicated and confusing, so life is thus that way too. i was just writing this post and looked up and saw my card that says "fly." i guess that's what i'm needing to do right now...just fly. please have faith in me.

"love stinks"

1. i love waking up at noon. and hate those heart-shaped chocolate boxes with mystery chocolates.
2. so yes, it was valentine's day and i ate frozen food for dinner (alone), watched youtube videos and ate half a pint of ben & jerry's (alone), and did homework (alone). that's my kind of day!
3. but really, i enjoy beautiful, chilly days and days when i can regroup and get "me time." today combined both of those, so i am content.

despite all my hating on valentine's day, this has been a surprisingly mild day. i'm happy for all my friends who are happy either in relationships or single, and i'm grateful for my friends and family who make me feel loved every day, and not just on one day! but i promised some stories about valentine's day memories. my worst valentine's day ever was my junior year of high school. it was my boyfriend-at-the-time's first valentine's day with me and we wanted it to be special (ugh). so we went to a new restaurant and had a nice time..until he got food poisoning. it was awful. i spent the rest of the night trying to make him feel better until i had to go home to meet curfew. oh, did i mention that it wasn't even on valentine's day because he had practice after school? i was deferred for sports practice, yes indeed. but to give some credit, they were state champions. needless to say, it was not a fun night. one year, in seventh grade, i was dating a guy and he got me a huge stuffed white teddy bear, a silver ring, flowers, and a balloon. it was a little bit of overkill, i'm not going to lie, especially since i had to walk to the school office to get all my stuff. embarrassing. another time, in elementary school (please see previous post), a boy gave me a bouquet of flowers from our playground flower beds and said "will you be mine?". okay, what happened to those days of innocent little kid love? of course i said yes. so those are my short stories of loves come and gone. hopefully i won't be a valentine's day curmudgeon for the rest of my life...but i know i will. love to all those who read my blog, speaking of love.

get floor seats at an [unnamed team] vs. [unnamed team] basketball game.

fear.

1. great day--slept in, basketball game, dinner with friends, relaxing night.
2. i like comments on my blog (!).
3. missing friends from home; i'm ready to see my people again. i wish they could just all come visit at once so i could have school friends and home friends all in one place.

the title says it all. that itty bitty four letter word can wreak havoc in this life, this world. fear can run people's lives and control actions and words and even thoughts. i can't imagine what it would be like to live with a phobia. we all have our fears and our aversions, but to have an intense phobia of something would be awful. i guess i have some pretty run-of-the-mill fears. i'm afraid of not being all that i can be. i'm afraid of change. i'm afraid of missing out on opportunities because of my fear of change. i'm afraid of roller coasters (note last bucket list item), i'm afraid of dying a painful or early death, i'm afraid of jellyfish (!), and i can be afraid of flying. all of these things seem so evolutionary though. as humans we are supposed to fear things that could prevent the passing on of our genes. but how to some people end up afraid of snakes, other spiders, others sharks, and others heights? it's weird, isn't it, how we all have the same basic idea behind some fears but they manifest in different ways? it seems, then, that a combination of learned and innate factors would make fears different yet the same. and we all have egos, so a fear of failure would be expected. but what is important to each of us and what we don't want to fail at varies so much. the moral of this post: life is complicated, and fear makes it more complicated. while i just want to be my best person and be happy and live my life, the fear (counterintuitively) holds me back.

sentimental

1. i pressed the snooze button so many times; it was an amazing feeling. 
2. i got to spend today doing what i love--chilling. went to the mall with two of my girls, and now i'm chilling with more (new!) friends. 
3. it's snowing here! i love snow.

"i guess i'm sentimental over you." great lyrics. but really, i've been thinking a lot lately about all the great times i've had in my life. i've been so fortunate to experience so much and i'm so thankful that i get the opportunity to experience more each day. the summer before and my freshman year in college was probably the best year of my life so far. i had the most amazing time strengthening friendships, meeting new people in college, and experiencing life on my own. the first year was like no other. there will never be a year like it again in my life--isn't that crazy?! i learned so much about myself and grew a lot as a person, and met some amazing people along the way. so major shoutouts go to my suities, the guys next door, and everyone else great i met that first year in school. i miss it every day. i can't replicate those memories and wouldn't trade them for everything. sure, not everything was great (cough cough) but it was all part of the experience, you know? like i said, i would change nothing. the people i met, the places i went, the nights, the days, everything was so influential for me and beyond my best hopes. when i'm feeling really stressed or anxious, i just remember the lesson i learned freshman year: maintain balance. don't study/party too much--balance the two spheres of life and all will be well. this sounds so pensive and corny but it's true. man, i love college.

don't know

1. turned in my paper today. it's possibly the worst one i've ever written, but i'm okay with that. it's the weekend! i get to my last class on thursday and remember how much i love having four day weekends.
2. i painted my fingernails black today in celebration for valentine's day. bring on sunday; seeing a movie with friends, eating yummy food, doing homework, and drinking vino. keep it classy and love-free.
3. and now i'm hanging out with friends. tonight will be a good, good night!

i almost forgot to blog! that's happened several times though. anyway, in the spirit of valentine's day, i'm going to write about the day when i wasn't bitter about this special day on february 14th. back in elementary school! when everyone brought valentines for everyone else, when it was a day of candy and love-related math problems and word finds. back in the days when we all loved each other and everyone was friends (at least for a day). this one time, i was behind my friend when he fell off the slide. he broke his arm and claims to this day that i pushed him. not true. but look at us now--best friends. i've had my share of good and bad valentine's days...see sunday for those stories...but i'm just feeling sentimental i suppose. when did i get old enough to be in college?! this is crazy sometimes, thinking about those days in elementary school and even middle school. i can still remember day one of kindergarten and preschool and daycare. it's crazy the people who have come in my life, left my life, but still shaped me into who i am today. i can remember friends i had who i couldn't even tell you whether they are dead or alive now. but the point is, those years were amazing. i loved elementary school and valentine's day. but those days are in the past.

this is it

1. only one meeting today--shocker! venturing outside was a poor life decision, though. it was windy and freezing cold! my jacket was definitely not enough protection from the violent winter weather. but i'd rather wind than rain!
2. added to my forever growing collection of school shirts today--i guess tonight's major event made me feel like it was a necessity. 
3. i'm excited for this weekend! i love weekends in college. for some reason they are way better than weekends in high school ever were. 

well, the night has come. the greatest rivalry in college sports is about to commence. and i have a ticket, biatch! i'm SO excited! i really hope we win, but there is a definite chance that we won't. i have hope, however (please see last night's post)! tonight has the potential to be amazing. and even if it's not, i'll be the best fan that i can and remember this game forevermore. i hate the opposing team. and while i'm doing my best not to reveal personal details, anyone reading this may be able to figure out where i go to school based on this post. but i just had to talk about this rivalry tonight. i can't explain the hatred i have for this school. i used to think in high school that i hated our rival school, but that hatred pales in comparison to what i feel now. it's is inexplicable and yet totally understandable for any fan of my school. i hate, loath, despise everything about the other school. the people, the academics, the sports, the campus, the city, everything. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCHOOL SUCKS. end of story. and even if we don't win tonight, we will ALWAYS win off the court because we are ALWAYS better. okay, i'm trying to not get violent in this post so i'll leave it at that. go to hell...you know who you are.

oh, angles.

1. i had an unwelcome but useful review of geometry today. i understood it much more the second time around--and like it a lot more. why did my 9th grade teacher not teach like that?!
2. it rained today...i had no umbrella until i was lent one. long day, but good day! i still have a paper to write for thursday though, not fun. 
3. big game tomorrow--so excited! and i actually don't have crazy amounts of meetings to attend, so i can actually write this paper and then go to the game. good times!

quick one tonight! lots to do tomorrow and not much to say really. i feel like everyone is surprised when i don't have much to say; i have always had quite the reputation for being a chatterbox. i think a good topic for tonight is pessimism/optimism. i have always been an optimist, except in certain situations in which i become a complete pessimist. for example, the big game tomorrow night? totally pessimistic. but getting into the grad school of my dreams (which will remain unnamed)--totally optimistic. i have this annoying way of being super optimistic for other people too. i like to be cheerful and positive and try to lift people's spirits. i am almost never a debbie downer for other people's lives or issues or concerns. now i can be very pessimistic about my own prospects if the situation is fitting, don't get me wrong. but i like to stay positive if at all possible. it can override my realistic and rational side, but oh well--that's just me. i like this whole theme of being me that i'm living with lately. this blog has been good for me. i'm still very happy with my decision to keep this as a new year's resolution. hopefully the upward trend will continue (and that's the optimist in me...)!

your turn

1. my favorite ice cream flavor has changed. the main favorite flavor is still cookie dough (duh, the best) but my favorite between chocolate and vanilla has changed to vanilla. it's not as heavy as chocolate and is still just as delicious--plain, but delightful.
2. busy week! but i like being busy--it keeps me motivated to plan my time well, stay organized, and keep on pushing. or, in other words, it makes me be an "overachiever."
3. i have become mildly addicted to skype. nothing major, just...a minor problem right now. well, not problem...yet...

it's girl's night tonight! the major dating tips i have for girls are as follows. and no, i'm not saying i am perfect at the dating scene (uh, come on), but i have some general advice that i have gotten from guys about dating that i feel may be useful for other women!

1. don't be a bitch--this just needed to be said, right off the bat. i'm not using this term to be derogatory towards women; it's similar to how i used asshole last night for guys. i'm just referring to last night's post to by being clear that guys have egos. fragile-as-spun sugar egos. so girls, we don't need to be mean when interacting with guys. if they are not getting the picture that you are not interested (drunk/clingy/stupid), then just be blunt. let them down, but easily. leave the poor guy the ability to recover and hit on other girls. so whether it's while letting a guy down, communicating a need (more drink?), or simply interacting in any way, there is usually no need to be bitchy. exceptions do exist.
2. be clear--yes, this goes for girls too. we need to work on being clear, ladies. just get to the damn point. be up front with guys about what you're looking for. mixed signals are annoying from guys, right? so what makes you think guys aren't annoyed by them? of course mixed signals, unclear communication, and lies are annoying for guys. i'm convinced that guys and girls share a lot of dating goals but just see them in different ways. everyone wants people to be straight with them--so just do it. just be clear, tell the truth, but don't give up your mystery.
3. don't be hypocritical--this really annoys me. if you are dressing like a skank and a guy treats you like one, don't be surprised. guys are simple--they see, they like, they want, they go after. remember that guys think with their sex drive and girls think with their brains (in most cases). so if you are dressing, acting, and talking like a slut, guys will treat you that way. there are ways to be sexy and inviting without being slutty. guys will respect that every day of the week, but won't respect a hypocrite. there are some exceptions, like when you are just wearing clothes and guys find the extreme need to remind you that you have breasts. thanks, i know. but just show yourself how you want to be perceived and don't mess around with guys minds (it may be funny, but be kind).
4. approach him--guys can be wusses! and i addressed this in last night's post, but it needs to be encouraged on both sides. girls, you shouldn't be afraid to approach guys. they are probably intimidated by your beauty, charm, intellect, humor, and kindness. so just approach him! sure, it can be scary, and he might have a girlfriend, or be a jerk, but so what? just move on and try again. you can't except to just be lazy and have good things fall from the sky (sorry, weather girls). there needs to be balance between chasing and being chased though. don't do all the work, but the guys shouldn't have to do everything either. let's make this a little more equal.
5. don't settle--if you know what kind of a man you want, don't take less. be your own person, don't rely on a man! do what makes you happy. that's some scattered advice but losing yourself in a relationship or in the dating quest will never work out well in the end. just be you and be happy with yourself before trying to get involved with a guy.

"such a big ego"

1. woke up in a gloriously comfortable bed, nice change from college, and had a good morning with my sister that was a follow-up after a good night!
2. two teams i actually cared about were in the super bowl! and the one i wanted to win actually did! GEAUX SAINTS!!! who dat nation baby.
3. decided to not write the optional paper for my class on tuesday. great decision, i think! that means i'll have to write one in two weeks--but hey, that's two weeks away! and i have an extra busy week ahead.

okay, i've decided to do it--tips for guys for improvement on the dating scene. let's see if i can be tactful but truthful for this one...

WARNING: POTENTIAL FOR BRUISED EGO AHEAD

1. lack of confidence--now, this is a delicate one. confidence≠liquid courage. i'm not saying that getting drunk and asking out a girl will make your dating life awesome. i'm saying have real confidence. but don't be a hot shot. girls are typically turned off by overly active egos and turned on by confidence. think of it this way: if she turns you down, you can just go find the hotter version of her and ask her out instead. that may sound (eek!) scary, but it's true. i'm going to tell you guys a secret--everyone (yes, that means every single person) gets rejected. it happens. suck it up, put a bandaid on your ego bruise, and move on to bigger and better things! believe in yourself.
2. know when to walk away--this is kind of the flip side of the previous one. again, alcohol makes these situations much worse. would you rather the girl slap you when you try to dance with her after she already said no? exactly. so just know when the chance has evaporated. most girls will be clear about this. walking away, dancing with other guys, talking to her friends, and looks of disgust are all good indicators that a girl is not into you. so just know when to gracefully move on, and do it. maybe collect yourself in the corner (but don't look creepy) and then regroup with your wing man, and get to talking to other girls. think about it like a probability--one girl out of a whole bar/room/party will like you. most likely...let's hope so...or else these tips probably won't help you...
3. to speak or to shut up--this kind of melds the first two, but also brings in a new aspect. be smart about what you say to a girl you are interested in. for example, if you are thinking "wow her tits look great today," i suggest not saying it out loud. if you just thought about hooking up with her, don't count the times out loud. get the picture? also, don't lie about stupid stuff. if you lie to attract a girl, then you have to keep lying until you stop seeing said girl. you tell a girl at a bar: "oh yeah, i'm a professional movie reviewer" when you're really a dump truck driver (no dig intended at either job) then she's going to want to read your articles and hear your movie suggestions--then you have to lie more and end up the creek without a paddle if the relationship lasts more than a night (which it may not--see below).
4. be clear--again, alcohol factors in here. while i mean this in more than one way, the most literal sense is always helpful too--don't slur your words, speak a different language, or get confused mid-conversation. also, be clear about your intentions with a girl. if you want to be single and are enjoying that, then say so: that you're looking for something casual and are open to hanging out. if you are in it to meet a girl for a relationship, say so from the near-beginning. no, don't say "hi, i'm ______ and i want a relationship!" weird. just let the girl know, if things go well, that you are looking to maybe see how things could develop long-term. don't be weird, don't be an asshole, and don't tell half-truths. just be straight with girls--we can handle it, i promise. and if a girl can't handle it, she's probably not right for you anyway.
5. don't be...--an ass. a creeper. a liar. a tool. those are the four basic things--avoid most instances of these nouns and your dating life should take off soon!

it's sunday--bucket list time. i want to ride a scary rollercoaster!

the noblest profession

1. drove home today--it's very cold and wintry here, but i'm glad to be around my family. i'm staying with my sister tonight and heading to my house tomorrow. no classes monday--booyah!
2. on that note, however, i have a lot of work to do for this upcoming week and i'm busy for most of it too. oh well, i'll figure it out!
3. note the cheerful mood. despite all this madness going on, i'm just happy. i'm trying to balance everything and everyone and so far it's working itself out. this is a nice feeling. 

tonight, i have to talk about teaching. there are many honorable and helping professions available in this day and age. but i am making the argument that teaching always was and always will be the noblest profession. think about it--how else has everything in this world been transmitted except through the sharing of knowledge. knowledge is such a sacred thing. that may have been almost the nerdiest thing i've ever said (but hey, being nerdy is just what i do, right?) but it's so true. this civilization would not have progressed past day one without knowledge and those to pass on the flame. literally. it was said that perseus was punished by the gods for stealing fire because it was knowledge worthy of the gods. this knowledge of fire is symbolic to me that knowledge is like fire--meant to be passed among people and inspire a burning within an individual that lasts a lifetime. i have a personal reason to support education and teachers like i do, but i am grateful for the amazing teachers i have had over the years and i hope to make a difference in someone's life the way they all touched thousands of youth. so a teacher has 6 or 5 classes per year, each class with 25 students, and 30 years teaching. that's 4500 or 3750 students over the course of a career of teaching (i think, hopefully my math teacher taught me well). that's how many lives were shaped and changed in some way. i can't fully express my loyalty to teaching and firm belief that great teachers make a tremendous difference in this world.

blah blah blah

1. well i still hate all this rain but at least it made my hair curly. 
2. dropped off apartment applications and had yummy lunch and dinner with cool people.
3. going out tonight. let's go. 

 that's all i hear--blah blah blah. people come to me, talking and telling me stuff, and i just hear blah blah blah. it's all like mexican to me now (that was a dig at george bush, not a serious remark). but really, what do i think? what do i do? i don't even know. no one knows anything i'm pretty sure. side note: i just started to watch the bad romance video and had to turn it off--way too weird. i just want to be me. so that's what i'm going to do. let's fly.

YAY

1. got the news--going to florida this summer to work with the uber-premier researcher in my field!!!!!!!!!! can you tell i'm excited? i've been waiting for this news for months. i couldn't be MORE excited. YAY! "ms. phd" has officially made her entrance.
2. today started out not so great--has become awesome! it's the start of my four day weekend, half of which will be spent with my friends and half with my family.
3. it's high time i bought red pumps. i am rewarding myself...for being awesome!

i love my friends, i just want to start off with that. and i love my school, just wanted to add that. and i love four day weekends. booyah. tonight i just want to talk about my future. i'm excited! you don't know how long i've been waiting to have definite plans! and they still aren't even that definite, i just now know where i will be. this is a huge relief. and my mentor told me today that working in this lab could make me a shoe-in for grad school--omfg, kill me now! so exciting. so yeah, i'm just excited and happy and nervous and so ready for it to be summer! and while i have no idea what will happen between now and then or between this summer and next, all of a sudden i don't care! the change i have been grabbing at for months has finally come! there are a lot of exclamation points in this post, i know, but they are warranted. and i feel like i can take stuff on now, better than i was able to before. this feeling will probably only last until i have to start writing the two papers due next week--then school will feel impossible. but maybe perfection isn't what it's all about (shocker, right, haha). and my suitemate just told me (albeit in a different context) hey, if you know what you want, if you know what you want--go for it. all i have to say to that is hell yeah. bring it on.

the myth

1. busy day. contrary to what some may think, i do not have tea parties, eat truffles, and get fanned by sexy boys with palm fronds all day. nor do i sit on the beach in bora bora. i do homework and go to meetings and sometimes the gym. i don't just...do nothing, unfortunately.
2. had dinner with a friend (two dinners?) and ran for treasurer of an honor society but didn't get it (totally not for a legit reason either). so i ran for social chair and got that--of course. so now i get to spend money instead of keep track of it--yay!
3. it's one of those days--not much i want to talk about on this blog tonight. and nothing really interesting happened. i wore open-toed shoes when there was snow on the ground. typical, i know.

 i want to talk about greek mythology. i believe in the greek myths. is that weird? am i the only person who actually believes those stories in these modern times? because i know the greeks and romans believed the stories, but that's different. i just have always been fascinated with magic and mythology and truth and untruth (please, see previous posts). but ever since i was taught greek mythology (6th grade, favorite language arts teacher eva!) i have believed in it. they (the greeks and romans) just made it seem so real! the gods and goddesses roamed the mortal realm and slept with people, killed people, ran away with people, did all this cool stuff. it makes it seem so much more realistic if the god/goddess one worships acts like a mortal. because then it turns into human behavior in people who may have just been defied for lineage or personal valor. but what am i saying? i think that the gods and goddesses really were immortal and deities; they just interfered in mortal affairs because they could. the stories captivate me and seem to believable and realistic. and why would anyone not want to believe the "myths?" it's comforting to think that even gods and goddesses can mess up too. now this is turning into a religious discussion, but people questioned the actions of gods and goddesses--like seriously questioned them. they may have been punished for that questioning but did so all the same. i feel like it's so taboo nowadays to question the logic of one's religious deity. like, if the gods and goddesses made mistakes (which they did, obviously) then why can't it be an acceptable thought that modern (?) deities can make mistakes? i think questioning is healthy, but i also think the greek myths are just so cool and interesting and great stories--so i believe them. and i believe in the people involved in the myths.

the new cruelest month

1. you know, went to class (why, again? the system makes me), acted all studious and stuff. didn't mind my classes today actually--they were all relatively interesting. 
2. it rained here today. i hate rain and college. they don't mix well at all. bookbag, purse, water bottle, umbrella, leather jacket, the frustrations never end. 
3. I GOT A TICKET!!!!!!!!! (most of you will know for what, but i don't want to identify myself much either, so i won't say. but YAY!!!!!)

 so this post is prompted by a semi-serious discussion today about how much february sucks. april is not the cruelest month, ts eliot. okay, so it may be in some poetic sense, but february is the worst month. i think this is a general consensus too, unless your birthday is during february or something. reasons why i make this assertion: 1) valentine's day 2) weather 3) groundhog day 4) lack of sports (sometimes). okay, so that's all i can think of right now, but these are significant. valentine's day. really!? obviously it was invented by a guy so that they can only have to act like they care about mushy gushy love crap one day out of the year. otherwise, they would be expected to show affection 24/7/365--yeah, right. so a day was invented so that guys could have it all or nothing--all on valentine's day and nothing the rest of the year. how cheap. and if you're single *ahem* then it really sucks. like come on, it's just an excuse to get drunk and forget about all your happy couple friends (sorry parents, it's true). like really, do you want me to drink all day and eat a box of chocolates that my empathetic single girl friend bought me? didn't think so--valentine's day sucks. the weather, oh gracious. the weather of february is generally sleety/gray/cold. no snow, no sunshine, just an unhappy medium. i hate weather in february. it's just asking for everyone to have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and hate their lives. like i said earlier, rain in college makes me want to stay in bed and skip class (not that i ever do). so come on, weather gods, make me motivated to go to class...please? groundhog day is related to weather. and of course, today the stupid groundhog saw his shadow. what the hell, man?! come on. you know the weather gods listen to you, mister groundhog, so why not cooperate? or else i'll you down and blind or kill you (as my friend suggested). so you better watch out. and sports...it's before march madness and after bowl games--how is that a good thing? and especially right now since my team isn't doing so hot (okay, we're bad). and luckily the olympics are this year or else i might really go crazy. the x-games were pretty sick, not gonna lie, but the olympics will help me survive this february. so yeah, these are the main reasons why february sucks. basically. and i just really want it to be march. unless he comes to visit before february is over.

history

1. i've spent a lot of time lately thinking about becoming addicted to peggle. i'm not actually addicted to it yet, but i am pretty sure this is the first step. if you don't know what peggle is...don't find out! it's addicting, like i may have already made clear.
2. figured out what i want to do for spring break! now i just have to buy a ticket and get excited! i really wish i could get tan over break, but i'm almost positive that will not happen--so i might as well go somewhere cold and snowy! 
3. had five meetings today, one of which had free pizza. i spend a lot of my "free" MWF in meetings, doing schoolwork, or going to the gym. downtime is a nonexistent thing in college. but hopefully i can keep meeting new people at these meetings and class work sessions. 

 the title is pretty self-explanatory. i want to talk about history tonight. i love history; it's a strange love that came about sometime in high school, even though i always hated ap u.s.h. but i mainly love modern european history (good thing they offer that concentration at my school), especially WWII and the holocaust. morbid? maybe, but fascinating. and it's so important to look to the past while living in the present and planning for the future. i heard somewhere that history doesn't repeat itself but it sure follows some similar patterns. i think everyone should study history in some capacity as a kind of "here's what not to do" lesson. yet it's not totally fair to say people in the past screwed stuff up, or else how would civilization be where it is today? but i love that there is so much history in this world. think about it--every person who has ever lived on this planet had a personal history. relationships and events happened to each person--think about how many books that would fill! and if everyone kept a life diary...wow. so much information. but also, so much is lost and unknown, which is why it's so interesting to study and speculate about the past. there are so many mysteries that are just...not solved and may never be solved. like really, what happened to the lost colony?! i just want to know, damn it. or the aztecs, the myans, the incans. the mesopotamians, the ancient scholars and rumored texts and arts that are lost forever. what happened? that's all i want to know, but will never know about so much. frustrating, yet fascinating. and also, the history that is formed on an individual level and is usually only important to so few people, but seems massively important. like my life story seems so significant to me (i guess because i'm living it), but think about all the people who will never know about me or care about what happened in my life. history is so humbling, which is another good thing about it. there are thousands of important and influential people, but that is such a small number when one considers how many billions (trillions?) of people have lived and died. then again, it is impossible to demean all the people who have lived before me because i feel like each person is in some way responsible for where i am in my life now. i have this crazy sense of cosmic connection that i believe in--maybe i should save that for another post. anyway, i'm done contradicting myself now! a light-hearted post is in the works for one of these upcoming nights, i promise.

southern soul

1. had another day of homework and chilling. i'd like a little less homework and a little more chilling though...
2. fell on my butt in the snow (ice) right outside my dorm. i knew it was going to happen, but just kept walking. now i have a nice bruise and wet pants! oh, and i'm really glad classes before 10 am were canceled...since i don't have any classes tomorrow and everything. 
3. two long days of classes this week, then a brief trip back to the hometown for family time and all that good stuff. 

i was chatting with a friend and we were talking about the south and politics. it made me want to post about the crazy culture of the south. so here goes! first off, i am not even from the deep south. there are differences in the south--there is florida, it's barely even southern it's so touristy now; there is the deep south (the magnolia curtain and beyond); there is the bible belt; and the northern south (just what it sounds like). i'm from the northern south, but my parents are from the deep south (louisiana) and the bible belt (tennessee). but the culture of the south, from what little i have grown up with in 20 years, is irreplaceable, unforgettable--what my family likes to call southern-fried crazy. the raising i had is like a mix between southern and european. i was raised to say "yes ma'am" and "no sir" like you wouldn't believe, but i also started to drink with my family when i was old enough to hold a tiny wine glass. i feel like i was raised to be polite, but speak my mind. the consequence for bringing home a yankee? only as bad as bringing home a republican. note: not all southerners are republicans! another note: but most republicans are southerners. like i said, i was raised in a hicktown, backwoods, rebel yell kinda place. but i vote democratic and have traveled extensively. so this is turning into more of a discussion of the paradoxes present in my life growing up, but i think that's also an essence of southern culture. the web of societal norms, rules, and expectations required the utmost grace and precision to walk through. i have a deep respect for the southern culture and the southern way. i love where i am from and would have it no other way. trust me, i have issues some of the ways of thinking and living apparent down south, but i rectify those issues in my own way. and when it comes down to it, i will defend the southern culture 'til my dying day. there is a beauty and a love inherent in the ideal of southern hospitality that isn't present anywhere else in this country. this has been a subject that had proved difficult--how do i express the love i have for this place in a blog space? maybe tomorrow night will just be stories from my family, my life, my friends, my experiences that will color the issue mo' betta. for now,

oh, and my bucket list thing is to learn to speak Italian, from an Italian.