not a happy subject

1. lazied about in the sun for a few hours, did laundry (which i just remembered is still in the dryer) and started a new book. myths about suicide...uplifting! not. but very informative and interesting. 
2. had a great conversation with pookie and am very excited to be back at home!
3. started researching for the sections i'm going to write for the paper about acute suicide risk factors. i'm afraid of messing up but confident i can do well.

so i study a range of things but the primary concern of the lab i'm working in now is suicide/suicidal behavior/ideation/risk/assessment/prevention. it's not uplifting work but i feel that it's influential, so i'm going to briefly go over one of the major theories in this post. this is the work of dr. joiner and his students/colleagues. his theory of why people commit suicide is three parts. the first component is that the person must overcome the fear of enacting lethal self-injury. this can be accomplished in a variety of ways, the most notable being habituation to violence and pain and self-injury. this may come from working in a violent profession (police officers, doctors, etc.) or from engaging in violent behavior (binge drinking, self-injecting drug use, fighting, sports, etc.) or from suicidal behavior (cutting, burning, hitting, etc.). habituation is essentially just getting used to a stimulus. the most powerful of these would be the last--personal experience with inflicting self-injury is a powerful predictor of habituation to pain and fear of death, but the other factors i mentioned above are important too. once the fear of pain and death and self-injury is overcome (at least, up until that moment when it's staring the person in the face), the other two parts of the theory come into play for explaining why people act upon suicidal ideation: a low sense of belongingness and a perceived sense of burdensomness. when people feel socially isolated and no connection to the world in any way, it's clear to see how that would be a major red flag. feeling like one has no association to the outside world would make it seem that much easier to end one's life and cut off whatever remaining connections there were. a perceived sense of burdensomness is when a person feels like he/she is a burden on family, friends, employers, the world, whomever. it is often not the reality, but the person usually feels like those in his/her life would be better off if he/she were dead. the three components on their own are usually not enough to be lethal, but pose a risk for suicide. the combination of the three leaves one at high risk for suicide and requires immediate action. it's a really sad and taboo topic but the light that recent research is giving to the topic is crucial for understanding and prevention.
item: work for the suicide hotline. 

inception

1. woke up at a restful hour. figured out some more furniture stuff with my dad and then got ready for the movies!
2. saw inception. loved it. am going to see it again soon. GO SEE IT. 
3. went to the gym and finished prodigal summer! up next is the secret history. 

i need some sunshine! my plan is to lie out tomorrow and soak up the endorphins and vitamin d. but really, don't read this post unless you've seen inception already. come back to it later because i don't want to give anything away...
i'm so nervous that my thoughts will be stolen tonight! my ideas aren't safe. i'm convinced that the christopher nolan stole his idea for this movie from harry potter. something called "occlumency" was prevalent in most of her books. it's the process by which one can enter another person's thought and take over information or different parts of the mind and plant images or ideas, or steal images and ideas. it's how voldemort got so close to harry and how harry was able to torture voldemort in return. the difference is that occlumency does not require the person to be sleeping, but is able to be used during any state of consciousness. the premise of the inception film is that these people enter dreams, or re-create dreams, rather, and steal ideas for corporate gain. the movie is obviously interesting to me from a psychological perspective. it's frightening to think that someone could enter our dreams and change our present. dreams are a sacred and protected product of the individual mind. to think that those intimate levels could be penetrated and manipulated is terrifying! all i know is that after that movie, other than wanting to see it again, i started to want to carry around a totem, to make sure that my reality is real. how silly! but still, how intriguing...
oh, and i think the top fell over at the end.

miranda

1. day off! figured out some more craigslist stuff with the help of my wonderful dad and then went to waffle house for a yummy breakfast!
2. went to target for some new workout gear and then the gym! i bought the $99 training deal and start on monday!
3. stayed in tonight and had just the kind of friday night i wanted to have. watched freedom writers for the second time and it made me cry all over again. 

how can i be cynical? i used to be optimistic. what happened?
and no, i don't want to talk about it.
and then this movie--lots to think about. 

the chronic-WHAT-cles of narnia

1. had work for several hours today and then rushed to the gym for my personal training meeting at four. 
2. IT WAS AWESOME. 
3. discovered how delicious bryer's all natural fruit bars are--naturally sweet and low fat, and come in three flavors (i had strawberry tonight). 

fair warning, if you haven't read narnia don't read ahead! i love narnia. did i mention this in my favorites post? probably so. nope, just checked, i didn't. good! a new topic. narnia is so well-written, so exciting. the characterization is impeccable, as is the description of the settings. i have the hardest time picking a favorite book, much less an order, but i think i can do it. the voyage of the dawn treader, the last battle, prince caspian, the magician's nephew, the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe, the silver chair, the horse and his boy. maybe. the last two could change places depending on my mood. anyway, the series is magical in more than one way. its treatment of religious themes is obviously what its most known for, but a lot of people don't recognize the themes other than christianity that are prevalent throughout. i don't think they have fauns and centaurs in christianity! those images and the images of nature worship and witches pull from pagan beliefs, as well as greek and roman mythology. guess they don't teach that in sunday school class. i first read the series as a child and was immediately drawn in like a moth to a flame. the story is so intriguing and some of the more obvious metaphors to the christian faith are present to any age reader. but even now i love narnia with the same childish charm. maybe i love narnia for all the wrong reasons. but are there wrong reasons to love a book? i perhaps hold it in too high esteem and look over some of the issues that seem to bother modern critics today (sexism, racism, all those isms). but for me the series has always retained a sense of wonder and beauty and excitement that few other works of art have managed to do for me. and susan didn't get excluded from narnia because she was too wrapped up in becoming a woman and a teenager; she was excluded because she stopped believing. she was too practical for narnia from the beginning and always took her role as elder sister too seriously. lucy is one of the more respectable characters in the series and she is female--she just kept believing in narnia and wanting narnia to be real. well, to her it was real. maybe it is real! perhaps that's why i love it. i want to believe that hogwarts and middle-earth and narnia are real. anyway, that's my bit about narnia. on a side note, i decided that i want waffle house for breakfast! i have a day off from work (on accident, not my fault) so i'm going to lie poolside after waffle house and go to the gym later. la ti da!

surfin' usa

1. just got back from the gym! i didn't have a good time to go earlier today since i went out to eat and needed to stay beautified for that, so i went around 10:30 and got back around 11:15. it felt good to sweat but now i have to shower and try to get normal sleep.
2. made a birthday plan with my apartment mate: dress up like jersey shore girls, party party, watch the premiere of season 2 (thanks for the birthday present, mtv), party party, then go to sleep and wake up for work the next morning, haha. 
3. got some exciting work news today!!! i'll get to be third author on a paper, hopefully--if all goes as planned--but it's looking promising so far. 

isn't it funny how one's general feeling about life can yo-yo from day-to-day? okay, maybe it's just me. but my feelings and moods are so variable! some days are "juggersense" days, some days are great, others are okay, some are awful. little things can make me happy or upset or pissed off or nostalgic. i'm a really emotional person and i wear most of them out on my sleeve (best fashion accessory ever!). i've never really been bothered that i'm a moody person...perhaps it bothers other people?...but that's just how i am. we'll call it my temperament to use a psychology term. temperament refers to the fixed disposition a person is born with. it doesn't really change over time and is a good indicator of other personality traits and interpersonal relationships. so today, as maybe you've been able to tell by now, was a great day. i'm happy, i'm finding some furniture for my apartment, it was my friend's birthday, i got good job news, i went out to eat (alone), i'm reading a good book (prodigal summer), i got some new music, my boyfriend is coming in three weeks, i made birthday plans...the list goes on and on! and while i tend to feel guilty about how self-absorbed my life seems sometimes (i mean, i'm blogging about my life for pete's sake--self-important? yes.) today i've just been trying to ride the wave of feeling happy. so healing vibes to you know who you are, good luck job vibes to you know who you are, and thank you vibes to you know who y'all are.

time flies

1. went to work, the gym, grocery shopping. then read, made dinner, watched chopped, and about to gtb!
2. browsed for more furniture on craigslist and looked online for bedsheets/comforter sets. such fun! hopefully i'll get the furniture i want and it'll all fit in our three cars...
3. made an appointment for my free personal training session finally, and then realized that i have to reschedule! how annoying for me and for the gym. but i'm determined to get it in this week. 

all the furniture shopping makes me excited for junior year and my new apartment and (another) new start in my life! sheesh, 2010 sure has been an exciting year so far! it's weird that i'm already reading the august issue of cosmo. i can't believe how quickly time passes when you actually slow down and look around. but really, time doesn't pass that quickly. it's been a long time getting to july 13th, and all i want is for another three weeks to roll around so that i can be heading home to where i belong. i really have enjoyed this summer, don't get me wrong. and i can't wait for it to get to that point in my life where this summer will all be so worth it. i'm getting to do so many things that most students my age aren't getting to do with their summers. but this summer is a stepping stone to where i want to be later in life. hopefully this year will be a stepping stone to later in life also. it's more like a stepping boulder. but that's what it takes sometimes. i'm excited for classes and excited for friends and excited for going out again! i miss college. i can't imagine graduating. people down here are always surprised that i'm "only going to be a junior." i'm like "only?!" you're kidding, right? that's so old to me! but my sister is in the process of buying a damn house, and i feel old?! geez. people who are over 30 look at me with scorn (trust me, i've gone out with some 30-somethings lately and can barely take the heat--double entendre intended). the withering looks are getting old, but maybe i should stop complaining about "only being a junior."

and it was all yellow

1. had an awful sleep last night and had a really bad morning, but the day slowly got better. 
2. got the passport photos for my visa made today and got the august issue of cosmo in the mail!
3. watched the bachelorette tonight--i'm pulling for roberto! season finale is on august 2nd...that's the week i'm going back home, yay!

don't get me wrong, i've definitely enjoyed my summer. but it's just not been as wonderful as i expected. missing people and being this far away from home has really been a bummer. but the experience has been priceless for my resume and my career goals. cosmo had an article about making the steps to change things in your life that you are not happy with and i've pretty much taken those steps and ended up where i am this summer. but i also have some lingering thoughts that can't be solved with the simple steps cosmo put forth. some things just can't be changed. but i'm really tired after my fitful night last night and need to get some sleep. i've decided that i liked living alone though. the roommate situation has calmed down a little bit and it's pretty much back to normal. and picking out furniture for my new apartment has been fun! next decision: bedding and wall paint color...

7/11

1. woke up late, watched the soccer game (viva espana!) and went to the gym. 
2. planned an outfit for tomorrow, read an article, watched foot network. 
3. started night by elie wiesel and can barely put it down. the writing is so honest and so succinct and so heartbreaking. 

i can't even imagine the holocaust. i put down night when i got to a chapter break and got up to walk to the kitchen to make a frozen dinner. i paused in the doorway and almost started to cry. i could hit myself for how ungrateful i am. not ungrateful, but unappreciative. no, that isn't the right word either. jaded comes closer, i think. i think every holocaust conversation that happens eventually comes to the place i came to tonight--how can i be so worried about some of the stuff i'm worried about when people lived through something like the holocaust? and it is not in the past; it will never be in the past as long as genocides happen, like the ones in the sudan and in darfur and to our planet earth. yes, i think humans are committing a mass genocide against earth. few people acknowledge it, few people try to prevent it or try to fix it, and few people care enough to rise up against the mass consumerism. elie talks in the intro and also in the actual book about his loss of faith. if they were God's chosen people, how were the Jews being subjected to such annihilation and suffering? it was the cruelest torture. and now, God's creation, must be asking the same questions. if you created us and love us and intended us to be used wisely and with care and compassion, how can you let these horrible things happen to us? every evil in this world is just a product of another evil. why are the pink dolphins in the amazon being killed and used as bait, with the carcasses left to rot on the shores? because the people of the amazon region are starved and impoverished and need money for their families. why do they need money for their families? because they are uneducated and don't have access to health care and birth control and cannot control their population. why the lack of basic health care and education, seemingly inherent rights of humanity? there is no government funding and no one who really cares. why no money and no one to care? i am growing tired of answering these questions. they may not even be the right answers. it's just so frustrating. i am outraged at the murdering of the pink dolphins, but how can i be so angry with poor citizens just trying to survive? and questions like that follow all the answers that involve blame. where does the cycle begin? where does it stop?

bucket list item: donate time and money to my causes.

doubt

1. went to the movie today and then to the mall. saw despicable me and it was really cute/sweet and i got a few wardrobe staples that i'm pretty excited about. 
2. came back to the apartment and watched some food network and made dinner. talked with my boyfriend and online shopped for college apartment stuff for the rest of the night. 
3. world cup final tomorrow...viva espana!!! can't decide if i'm going to watch it here or go to a sports bar. 

not much to talk about tonight. but the past few days i've been thinking about my time this summer. i know it was well spent and i've really enjoyed getting more lab experience. everyone tells me that i made a great decision and i really set myself apart resume/experience wise and i believe them all, but i can't help but have seeds of doubt. i know that what i did was best for me career wise, but should that have been all i thought about? i could have lived at home another summer or stayed in my college town and done research there. and it wouldn't have looked as good and i wouldn't have gotten the experience or the letters of rec, but other parts of my life might be more in order. i just miss my family so much and my home and my friends and my boyfriend. i can't help but think that last summer was my last one at home and i didn't even know it. like, from now on, i will not officially be living at my childhood home. i'll visit and still have my room, but it's not like i'll spend a lot of time there. that's a scary thought! my childhood is basically over and i'm not even in my twenties yet. will the steps i took this summer all end up being worth it? i don't know; it's hard to say. i'm sure it will be worth it, but i won't have any idea until further down the road. it's hard taking such a leap like this. i just wish i could know now whether or not i made the right decision.

pow pow pow

1. saddest day ever! my sex and the city marathon is officially over. i knew how it was going to end but it was still so good/sad. and i even know how the two movies happen, so i know more than the original viewer did. such a great show. groundbreaking, really. 
2. time to get back to the real world outside of manhattan. i have books to read and pools to sit by and gyms to go to (though i did go today) and labs to volunteer in. oh, and i guess people to see
3. and a soccer game to watch on sunday! viva espana. the octupus picked spain, so i am too. also, i like spain more than the netherlands, although i did have the change to study abroad in the netherlands and do research. i speak spanish (sort of) so my loyalty is there. 

i love working on my application for florence for next spring! i picked the wrong year to blog apparently! well, not true at all; this blog has been fantastic. i love all that it's done for me and all that has happened so far in 2010 (well, not all, obviously, but a lot of it). maybe i'll keep like a every-few-days-or-so blog in florence; that'd be fun. you know by now my history of journaling. it just won't get down on paper in florence. so i'll have to find someway to record my travels! but not having a strict schedule will be nice. i feel like i am jinxing this! what if i don't even get to go?! that would be tragic. i am so looking forward to it. though a semester away from the college i love is a scary thought. somethings have just been predetermined though. i always thought i'd go to college, always thought i'd study abroad, always thought i'd be a psych major. looks like things are shaping up as expected. the abyss in my life is post-graduation. take a year off? go right to grad school? go to grad school in clinical psych? live in a new place? so many options! so many choices! i am very indecisive. sex and the city has given me this feeling that having so much planned for my life is a bad thing. these women took years to find everything they wanted. is it possible that i can know so soon what i want to do, and actually go for it? i think that's pretty ballsy in itself, though, having a certainty about one's life. i have my guns and i'm sticking to them. figuratively, of course. guns don't match my outfits.

ERS

1. went to the gym, as promised, and then went to work until about 3:30. lazed around and then got ready for my night out at the comedy club. the acts were okay...the headliner guy was funny though. and it was free!
2. slowly working through season six of sex and the city. carrie still annoys me and i still love samantha's jokes and charlotte is so funny and traditional and miranda just needs mental help.
3. tomorrow is friday and i'm so happy. i miss my college life and my college friends and my college. i can't wait for august 7th to role around so i can go back home, and then august 17th so i can move in to my apartment!

there are so many days left that i have to blog! people, make some suggestions here! i know i have, like, zilch readers but maybe someone will stumble along this blog in cyberspace? maybe? it's like when you wear a really cute outfit to a bar or dinner with your friends and you hope for someone to comment on it. you tell yourself, "oh it's just for me--i want to dress up and feel good about myself." right, be real, you are just showing off and want compliments. but hey, everyone needs reassurance! no harm in that! i don't even know what i'm blogging about tonight. maybe i need reassurance. my few readers, please comment, or i will disown you as family members/friends or break up with you! not really, but please? just one comment? k, thanks.

< / 3

1. i'm so sick and tired of allergies! they need to stop bothering me and move on to someone else! or better yet, just leave us all alone.
2. went to LBD (little black dress) night at a hotel downtown and wore black skinny jeans, a black sparkly tank top, and fuchsia platform heels. it was a good night! 
3. finished up season five of sex and the city and set my alarm to go to the gym before work in the morning. i've figured out that from 3-6 the gym is way too busy and i need to go in the morning. 

lost love? broken hearts? trashed relationships? hurt feelings? can it get any worse? yes, throw kids into the mix. anyway, the post i'm supposed to write tonight is about lost love. it seems so hard to contemplate, but most everyone experiences it more than once during a lifetime. maybe not lost love, but lost potential for love. maybe i've been watching too much sex and the city, but i think that charlotte was maybe right on her + or - two great loves in life rule. i think it's kind of easy to fall in love and i think it's relatively easy to make a relationship work, as long as you take the proper steps. relationships fail for two main reasons: money and sex. don't marry someone if you haven't talked about these two issues. hell, don't even move in with someone if you haven't talked about them. having different views about finances or sex can ruin relationships (or so the research says) but i think people just forget to plan ahead these days. sure, what do i know about making a marriage work? that is a fair statement. but i have observed relationships over the years and it takes a lot of work to make things...work (for more than three dates). commitment is tough! so is it worth it? i can't answer that yet, except to say that i was single for a long time in college and am now in a relationship and couldn't be happier. i talked with my good friend yesterday and determined that i am a relationship person. i am, i'll admit it. but that doesn't mean i can't be single and flirt and have fun with the best of them! but i need to meld those parts of my personality together in a relationship. i love to have fun and talk and meet people and get attention (i'm a leo--blame my birth month), but i also love to be settled and content and making it work with just one person. don't get me wrong, this relationship isn't a piece o' cake (unfortunately...i love cake!) but it's also not impossible and doesn't make me crazy and i don't constantly question myself (yes, i've been there). so this wasn't exactly a post about lost love, but hey, it's my blog and i'll write what i want to.

ouch.

1. drove back to my summer program place today. all i know is that after 8 hours in a car and with only two stops, my butt sure is hurting. 
2. watched the bachelorette show that i missed last night and got to see some of lisbon, portugal from the show. it looks beautiful! just another place in europe to visit...
3. had good talks with friends today/tonight. can't wait to be back at school and with everyone again!

i'm really tired and want to go to bed. but i have a blog topic for tomorrow night, if nothing else pops into my head. lost love. this topic is fueled by the second half of the bachelorette that i watched tonight featuring jake and vienna on why their relationship ended. both called the other a "fame whore." all i have to say about that is...you went on TV to find love--of course both of them are fame whores!

a "quasi" post

1. went tubing today on a river for my boyfriend's sister's 18th birthday. fun times all around but it made me really tired and dehydrated and my lips got sunburned. i was happy to be invited, though. 
2. had a family dinner and talked about the rest of my summer and plans for moving back to college.
3. played scrabble for the first time in my life! ending score: 98; final score: 83. not bad for a first timer?

don't let other people make you think that you are wrong! believe in yourself and take a stand! i had the word "quasi" spelled out on the board tonight and the Q was worth 10 points and also was a double letter score, so it would have been 20 points + the points for the other letters. but my ex-english teacher mother told me that quasi was always a prefix and i couldn't use it. so instead of sticking with my word and winning the points and making her lose a turn, i backed down. stupid, stupid me. so i learned my lesson the hard way and now know to stand my ground. and i wouldn't have lost 10 points at the end either because i would have used my Q. hmph. so that's my scrabble story. don't make the same mistake i did!

happy 4th of july!

1. had the family over for a big 4th of july party! i loved seeing everyone and had such a great time. 
2. i got an early birthday present that i am very excited about! crate and barrel, here i come...
3. watched the fireworks at the community center to end the celebration. 

this is one of those nights where i don't really want to be blogging, i just want to be sleeping. but i had a great day and i'm glad i got to celebrate america's birthday with my family. how exciting to think about what happened on the first birthday! such intrigue and excitement and sadness and newness! cool stuff like that doesn't happen anymore! then again, i am biased and think the revolutionary war is really cool. even though it was gruesome and tiring. but hey, we were fighting for independence! pretty damn cool story, if you ask me.

watch fireworks on the capitol steps in DC

ba da BA DAAAA

1. ran some errands, met my besties for lunch, and did some chores at home. why did i come home again? oh right, for a vacation. and to see my family. but hey, it's better than spending the 4th of july holiday alone! too bad that's how i'll spend my birthday...
2. worked a lot on my study abroad application. i'm overly eager and a planner and very organized, so naturally, everything will be turned in weeks early and after be checked and double- and triple-checked.
3. watched quantum solace in HD and for free and it was awesome. i'm not sure if i'm a fan of HD, though. it almost seems too realistic. like, hard-to-believe real as opposed to movie-screen real. 

watching the bond movie made me think about the government. and the night before the 4th of july seems to be an appropriate time to talk about the government. according to interesting new research, the original draft of the declaration of independence used the word "subjects," written by thomas jefferson. he then erased the word using his thumb while the ink was still wet. perhaps he felt that it wasn't a fitting word choice. maybe john adams or benjamin franklin edited the draft after he wrote it and put "w.c." next to the "subjects." anyway, our government was formed by rebels and hell-raisers and pissed off british subjects. i think that is such an intriguing way to start a history, don't you? and now, where are we? did the people living back then have any idea of what really happened in government? the elite and intellectual few ran the country and didn't worry the public about silly affairs of the state. you'll have a hard time convincing me that anything has changed. yes, the electing public is more educated and aware (kind of) and there are laws and ethical practices that people in power have to abide by (supposedly). but i still can't help but think that i have NO IDEA what is really happening in government. the secrets must be overwhelming. the responsibility and the enormity of the job would truly be back-breaking. but someone's got to do it! no, not you, georgie. sorry, but the americans have had enough of you after eight years of hell. i can't believe that a little less than half of my life was spent under your leadership. how tragic for my reputation. but hey, the first time i voted, mr. obama was elected. now that is something to be proud of.

cop out

1. woke up in my home bed and it was a wonderful feeling. although the bed where i am living this summer is a full and my bed at home is a twin so it felt kind of small for the first time in my life!
2. ran some errands in town and had lunch with a friend. i am not in town but for a few days so i can't see many people. but that's fine, i mainly want to stick around my family and boyfriend and close friends anyway. 
3. had the boyfriend over for dinner and watched (kind of...i really slept) through the replay of the netherlands vs. brazil game. it sounded exciting from what i remember. 

i watched the stars tonight and they are so beautiful where i live. there were so many out and i could even see the milky way. i miss seeing stars. they remind me of my future and all i want to accomplish in my lifetime. they also remind me to take care of the planet. it's such a freak of nature that humans are even on a planet that can sustain life and it's sad to think about all the ways we are destroying that planet. but maybe we will learn...i hope soon...

hoooome

1. basically all i did today was drive. a long, long way. but now i am home and so happy to be here!
2. i ate lunch at taco bell? 
3. and i didn't get lost once. 

such an exciting day, i know. but it was great driving the road home and it's so wonderful to be back in this house. i love my house! and my family and my mountains and my kitty. seeing friends and boyfriend tomorrow, and then more friends this weekend and the celebrating the 4th of july on sunday with all the family! can't wait. i'm pretty sad that i have to leave on tuesday. but i decided to leave my internship early and come home about a week sooner in august than i was planning previously. it's great to be home. living far away really makes me appreciate it--i don't know how some kids go to college in such far away places. glad i'm not one of them!

quickie

1. worked today and went to a pre-practicum class for the grad students who are entering their second year. basically, the class teaches people how to be therapists. interesting stuff!
2. finished up season four of sex and the city and had a small dinner over conversations with the new roommate.
3. packed and got directions for my trip back home tomorrow. i cannot wait to be home!!!

quickie post tonight--must get to bed and get some sleep for the long drive! and i put off blogging because i had stuff to do and blogging is usually always put off. plus, a semi-boring day anyway. but i hope i make it safely! i'm definitely nervous, but let's hope the driving gods and God are on my side. and let's hope i don't run into this!

confidence vs. cockiness

1. a busy day in the lab and a semi-exciting one too. the professor i'm working for and the lab team i'm working with are both really doing their best to make my summer worthwhile. i believe at the end of this summer i will have several thank you notes to write (perhaps i should start a list now...).
2. gave myself a pedicure today. sparkly red polish to match the upcoming holiday. i'm going home for the 4th of july and can't wait to see my family/mountains/boyfriend/friends/kitty.
3. onto sex and the city season three! i love aiden! yay! too bad i know how this whole series really ends up...with her marrying big and then kissing aiden and then staying with big. bummer!

ego--what's the deal? i mean, i get being confident, but why the need to be an asshole? and the only thing conceiving this post is the tv show chopped, no interpersonal life crisis. anyway, some people are so egotistical and arrogant. trust me, i've had my fair share of those guys (and girls) in my life. still do, for that matter. but i'm not saying that i'm not an ego maniac sometimes, especially when my ego is bruised. but i've also always seen excessive ego as a defense mechanism for low self-esteem (or something psychological like that). i always get the most testy and arrogant when i'm feeling either really legitimately proud of something i've done or really bruised from something not-so-good that i did. but some people just have over-reactive egos! like, get over yourself already! maybe if you didn't have such a massive ego then doing poorly every now and then wouldn't come as such a shock. everyone screws up sometimes. but don't whine about it and just get back up and get back to life. while i'm writing this, i am (obv) thinking of samantha from sex and the city. talk about ego. then again, girl can back it up. and she can also accept defeat and loss of dignity (on those rare occasions when things happen to her). okay...that's not entirely true. she fights and doesn't take shit from people, but after all of that, she can still take a punch to the ego every now and then. unlike this chef on chopped! don't put all your eggs in one basket.

bueller? bueller? anyone? anyone?

1. WOW no one comments on my blog anymore.
2. headache. too much sex and the city, not enough sleep. 
3. long day tomorrow, thankfully, and hopefully a gym visit that is not as crowded with "tanning salon" barbie clones and scowling juiceheads who don't share equipment. 

do i love this place? eh, wouldn't go that far. i think part of me would fit into new york city for awhile. i can be cynical and sarcastic and critical and a fashionista with the best of them! i could never last though; i'm way too much of a country girl to make that happen. but really, i should get some sleep. long day and longer one tomorrow. it would be fun, though, to live there just for a summer...or just for graduate school...

haterade

1. breakfast with my family friends, walk around the lake (tallahassee water retention center?), and relaxing day with sex and the city. 
2. went to the gym and got hated on by some juiceheads and then hit on by a guy who didn't have much to say. i thought headphones were enough to clue people in to my serious workout routine, but maybe a shirt that says "speak nicely or be able to run fast" would be a better option. 
3. talked more with the girl who lives in the apartment with me now. she is really nice and we get along and have a few things in common. example: neither of us have veins.

procrastination is still the name of the game. now, i'm putting off bedtime to watch sex and the city! and i put off blogging to...watch sex and the city! oh well, the addiction will still be over. and i have to get up somewhat early so i'm still getting to bed at a decent hour. of course, i'm team aiden, but how can i also not be team big? it is possible to be...well...too nice *cue memories of earlier conversation with new roommate*. and really, her and big were meant to be together. they both kind of annoy me. i like samantha the best because she's the funniest. miranda is just awkward and whiney, and charlotte is the definition of too sweet, but so endearing and eager. but hey, i like them all and their conversations over lunch or cocktails are my favorite parts of the show. and to think, it was written by a guy*. anyway, i should stop ignoring the male readers. oh, pish posh. maybe they should watch a few episodes--it could do most men on this planet some good to see things from a female perspective.
bucket list item that was so anticipated: complete (not "compete") a mini-triathalon. oh god. there, i said it.

*allegedly gay, which would make a lot more sense.

would i really do this?

1. i watched the USA lose to ghana in a heartbreaking loss. we basically watched the soccer game instead of playing the soccer game. donovan, i still love you. and dempsey, i love you too. team USA forever!
2. joined a gym today for the remaining six weeks or so of my stay. it was a nice feeling--i plan on going tomorrow and working out and sweating. oddly, i can't wait. 
3. a girl who lives in the apartment i'm subleasing from moved back in today for the summer. her plans fell through, so here she is for the summer. it's weird; i finally adjusted to the change of living alone and have to adjust all over again to living with a girl i met...an hour ago. oh, and she told me i live on the "buggy" side of the apartment--greeeeaat. 

i can't believe i actually made a random decision to blog for an entire year and am actually doing it. it's a weird feeling, being almost six months into 2010. i mean, this year has been a blessing, but it's also been somewhat of a whirlwind. so much has happened to me! i love my life right now and am very happy with it, but i know that come august, that life will be very different. my bucket list item for tomorrow is somewhat shocking...well, for me it's shocking. i've made a commitment to doing every last thing that i put down on my bucket list, at some point in my life. so when i list something, it's serious. you already know how i feel about commitments--look at what i'm doing now--blogging for 365 days, for crying out loud. so there is really no question that i must follow through on my bucket list, or else i'm a big faker! not okay. so you'll see tomorrow what all the suspense is about...let's hope it doesn't disappoint!

"these are my confessions"

1. went into the lab for a bit today and then worked in the clinic some too. left around 4 to start my weekend off right!
2. the tcby right next to my apartment closed--i'm taking that as a sign from above that i need to stop eating delicious frozen yogurt parfaits to cool myself off from the 100 degree heat. 
3. just realized that i have a salon appointment on saturday right in the middle of the USA vs. Ghana soccer game--WTF--and if i cancel, i have to pay $50--again, WTF?! so i'm going to call in the morning and try my damndest to get it pushed up or back. i need to see this game. 

okay, so i feel like it's finally time for me to be up front about something--my major/minors in college. i have spent so much time tiptoeing around this issue and hinting at it and i feel like no one except people i know really read this blog anyway, so i might as well just talk about it. i'm a psychology major and history and English double minor. now it's probably not that big of a deal to my few readers for me to say this, since they already know my school life, but it's nice to finally say it. so psychology basically is my life. i love the field and i love the labs in work in at college and for this summer. i study peer relations, health-risk behaviors, and suicide/NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury) in one lab, and bi-polar disorder with a focus on assessment in my other lab. i love both labs but prefer the former lab; it was the first i entered and it's where my passion really lies (for now). this summer, i am working in a psych lab that studies suicide and NSSI, as well as eating behaviors and it has a pretty neuro-focused feel to the lab, which isn't my thing per se, but is important to the field. basically, i love psychology and am very content with it being my life. my history minor, i'm also crazy about. i declared a history major when i was a first semester freshman after a great history course on modern european history. i declared that as my concentration, and was well on my way to a major. but this past semester i decided to drop down to a minor because i don't want to take a seminar-based course that requires a lot of time and effort and work. i want to focus on my thesis for psych, as well as have time for my English minor and other cool classes. but who knows, maybe i'll get bored and ambitious and change my mind later. the English minor i declared last fall semester and did it kind of on a whim, similar to my history minor. i have an English teaching sister and a mother who taught English, as well as an aunt. maybe it's in my blood? all the same, it's a good minor to have, i think; it shows people who read my resume that i can write well enough to have a minor and that i am well-rounded. plus, i really want to take this jane austen class my senior year. best class ever! so since i'm an English minor, some may wonder why i don't use entirely correct grammar at all times (capitalization). i''m lazy and stubborn. it's a lot easier for me to type this way, in an informal setting, and people also have nit-picked me for not using capitalization, so i naturally went against that trend. it may grate on the nerves of some, but it's just who i am in this setting, as well as other informal settings (email, facebook, etc.). but i can and obviously do use perfect grammar in papers and assignments and anything remotely professional or formal. so that's my story of my school life.

t-minus five weeks

1. went back into the lab today for about 5 hours. had a good day--one part of what i'm doing is really interesting. 
2. weirdly enough, though, i'm ready for the weekend. i want time to myself to recharge and to get used to alone life again. i'm sure i'll be over that sentiment soon enough.
3. went bowling tonight with the lab group and bowled a 128! best score i've ever gotten. three strikes in a row! it was awesome. 

i don't feel much like blogging again. it's been a wonderful week but i'm sad to see it go. i'm definitely feeling the homesickness right about now. and i miss my family but i also just miss my home. and while it's not new for me being in a college setting, it's new being in that college setting and not knowing anyone. i came to college knowing several people, and also knew and loved my suitemates. but this is different. it's a new environment where i don't really know anyone and i'm in a new job setting. and while i love what i am doing and am pumped about getting a letter of recommendation for grad school, i also am not impervious to feeling lonely. and yes, i'm meeting people, but it's not like college. i love college! and this summer is just like a semi-extension of college but it's also practice for real life. my birthday is five weeks from today--how nerve-wracking! i'm excited but also really anxious. hopefully these five weeks will pass slowly...

remember to smile

1. watched the USA kick ass in the game against algeria today!!! can't believe we had another goal taken away from us but i'm so happy that donovan came through in the clutch and scored a win in our group and automatic advancement to the quarterfinals! so exciting.
2. didn't do much other than watch soccer and hang out with my boyfriend. it was a great day. 
3. went to carrabba's for dinner and now i think a movie is in order!

i've been thinking more and more about safety and things i can do to stay safe! basically, i think i have somewhat of a chance if i'm ever in a hand-to-hand combat situation, but i'm afraid of a gun or knife situation--that would be tough to get out of. and while i am afraid of this scenario that is pretty statistically low of a chance and the area where i am living now is really pretty safe, i would rather be more prepared than less prepared. knowing how to protect myself is important, especially as a young female who is alone in this area for the summer. anyway, it was a bit of a tangential post but i think it's important to talk about. again. oh, and remember to smile at people. smiles brighten days.

shawty

1. saw toy story 3 today and it was SO good. the first movie came out in 1995--it's the series of my childhood. the short movie in the beginning is really cute too. 
2. went out to a yummy italian dinner with the boyfriend and then ate marble slab ice cream! they were right next to each other...i couldn't resist. 
3. goofed around tonight and watched chopped on food network, of course. also got some work-related stuff figured out. 

this is one of those nights i don't have much to say, or much that i can really talk about on this blog. i feel a lot of things but this isn't the avenue to express those things. so this is another short post night, but those are pretty frequent occurrences on this blog. forgive me, and until tomorrow...

versus

1. drove home from the beach today. how sad. it was a great trip but i miss the beach and my family already. can't wait to see them for the 4th!
2. found the recycling center today and went on a grocery trip with my boyfriend. just hung around the house and made plans for tomorrow. so glad to have him here for a few more days!
3. no bugs were in my apartment when i got home--good sign. i had a few emails from my job but nothing super important. i am a volunteer, after all. 

an important talk tonight happened between my boyfriend and i. we talked about religion and spirituality. i've blogged about this before but it was so nice sitting with him after dinner and just talking. we sat at the table for several hours and had a wonderful conversation. it was very natural and good conversation. we click. and i miss the beach and miss my family, but like i said last night, i know i'm doing the right thing with my summer and i'm doing what's best for me.

goodbye again

1. last day at the beach. it was a good day, hot and not very windy, but still good. i love the beach so much and am sad to leave. 
2. i was walking with my boyfriend along the beach and we saw a huge school of rays! while it was really cool, it's something i've never seen at this beach before and i'm worried that it was because of the oil spill.
3. it was father's day! i love my dad very much and was glad that i could spend it with him.

i hate saying goodbye to my family. i love them all so much and i am very glad that i got to spend some time with them as a reprieve from my summer. while i'm very glad to be doing what i'm doing this summer, taking a leap and making a career move, it's still rather hard and i find myself wishing sometimes that i had just stayed home this summer, or stayed at college. it would have been a good summer, i feel sure, but very different. i can see in my mind what it would have been like and am happy with that image. but i'm also very happy with what i am actually doing this summer--i think i will be grateful for it later, too. but the morning is fast approaching and i will have to say goodbye again. goodbye to my family, for now. the goodbye to my boyfriend comes later this week. i hope they all make the drive back safely. another reason for me to be nervous...but my dad is a very good driver. but it's the other people on the road i'm worried about! happy father's day and happy sunday!

bucket list item: go to a world cup soccer game.

forever young?

1. i'm so dehydrated! no matter how much water i drink, the hot sun at the beach just sucks the moisture right out of me. it's not a good feeling. 
2. i finally got the water out of my ear! it has been in there since earlier today and it was an awful feeling--i forgot how bad; it used to happen to me all the time when i was little.
3. watched a wedding on the beach and had a lovely dinner and lovely night. 

they played the forever young remix at the wedding and it made me think about being forever young. it sounds terrible. i mean, part of enjoying youth is having the age and wisdom to look back on your younger years. or so i'm told. i think it's weird that i'm going to be a junior in college, but i'm still so young! i have a long way to go. i wouldn't want to live forever, but i sure want to live a long and full life. i think only the gods and people of fairy tales wanted to live forever. it's certainly not a realistic idea and it's definitely not a good one. there is a reason humans have a limited lifespan, there is no need to cheat nature.

life is good.

1. watched the USA vs. Slovenia game this morning and we got robbed from the third goal! it was such bullshit. and the refs made some bad calls throughout the game. but nothing can be done about it now...i just hope USA gets to advance or i'll have to find a new team to support.
2. spent the rest of the day at the beach and alternated between the beach and the pool, since i can't get in the oily ocean. walking along the beach today i actually got some oil on my foot, but dawn dish soap took care of that. 
3. had a good talk with a good friend today. 

so i'm not a snob, i'm just picky. i'm selective about my food and my drink and what movies i will watch and music i will listen to. i want high-quality experiences in life and i like to pick and choose things to fill my time with that reflect that sentiment. i guess that can be seen as snobby, but i just see it as the only way to live life. why not make the most out of what you have? i understand that some people aren't like me and are content to live a different lifestyle and i have no problem with that at all--go for it! but i guess the most important thing to do is live the life that makes you happy. this was a theme of my conversation today and it is something people tend to forget in the hype and stress of daily life. it's also why everyone needs to visit/live in europe and get that mentality and keep it in mind. americans stress out too much. and our happiness levels aren't even that high. so obviously all the prosperity isn't the key to happiness.

responsibility

1. i'm very tired from the emergency room trip last night. i didn't sleep very well either because our room was very stuffy. but maybe tonight will be better since i'm worn out from the sun and the activity on the beach. 
2. game seven was tonight in the nba series. oh wait?! who cares. not me. some people, a lot of people, i guess. but noooot meeeeee.
3. had a great first day at the beach but it's illegal to swim and there is oil residue on the beach as well as a sheen on the water. 

the responsibility that BP needs to take for this oil spill is obvious. being down here and seeing how the oil spill is affecting the area is a wake-up call that i didn't need, but other people do. what's interesting is that there isn't a lot of tar or crude oil or thick sludge on these beaches, but the place is still dead. there is no traffic, not many people on the beach, not many parties in the restaurants, nothing like what is normal for this time of year in this location. and the general mood is just one of depression. but the workers are out here and cleaning up the beaches as things come onto the beach. there are booms out in the water that are visible and a lot of boats just sitting in the water. i assume they are tracking the oil patterns and even putting out booms, but i'm not sure. an escrow fund was created in the amount of $20 billion to cover the costs of clean-up. it's my opinion that the amount given is not even close to the amount that will be necessary to fix all of this. the wildlife and the environment being destroyed is priceless. the monetary loss of lost livelihoods and lost tourism and business can at least be calculated, as can clean-up costs. but BP is not accepting responsibility and are avoiding blame. it's horrifying. but maybe this will wake-up the american public, as well as the global community.

emergency!

1. woke up kinda late and finished packing for the beach! it was kinda stressful, of course, but we got on the road and had a safe trip to the beach!
2. I SAW MY FAMILY!!! YAY!!!
3. walked along the beach on the gulf of mexico and did not step on any tar balls or see any oil. good start so far...

long night. spent in the emergency room. my boyfriend has a food allergy. will write more tomorrow. for now, it's time to go to bed! i'm even feeling the time difference more because where i came from is an hour later than here.

YES.

1. went into the lab for a few hours today and worked. it was cool for the first part and i think the other stuff i trained for will be interesting too. 
2. MY BOYFRIEND CAME TO VISIT!!!
3. leaving tomorrow morning for the beach to see my family! we'll see how long we are able to say, but hopefully the beaches stay clean-ish for a week or so.

i'm so happy that i have company in my apartment! it feels great to have him with me again and i am so happy that everything is normal between us. and i get to see my family tomorrow! and go to the beach! it's going to be so much fun. i can't wait to spend time with everyone and just take a break and chill. i hope that we can bring some business to the ailing gulf coast too. the oil spill is...momentously bad.

we shall see

1. not a very eventful day. went to the mall and saw the new movie killers. i liked it! i laughed a lot and loudly. then came home and cleaned and did some chores for the arrival of my boyfriend tomorrow!
2. TRIED to watch the bachelorette tonight at 8 but couldn't until 8:34 because abc was out in the area due to thunderstorms. of course! at least i got to watch most of it. 
3. started to tentatively pack for the beach, but i'm still expecting a no-go at this point. like the title says, we shall see...

we shall see a lot of things. beach? maybe. from there...i'm not really sure what is going to happen. i had a good talk with an old friend tonight and was just reminded about how sure i am that things will work out. i don't know how or when but i know they will. perhaps this is a naive confidence that i have in my friends and myself, but i am convinced. i think that we will all accomplish what we want to in life, albeit with some regrets and mistakes along the way. but i have wonderful friends from different stages in my life and i love them all. i hope for the best.

"i'm in miami trick"

1. lazy morning and lazy day. tried to lie out in the 100 degree, 80% humidity, full sun weather but was not able to handle it for more than an hour. my skin is probably thanking me. 
2. pedicure today--hot pink was the final color choice. i thought it would be beach appropriate, but it looks like that trip probably isn't happening.
3. the oil is washing up on the gulf shore in a lot of areas now and totally ruining lives. i can't believe people are putting up with this bullshit! why can't people wake up and move past the greedy and lazy dependence on oil?!

enough of that rant. i'm trying to be positive, as was suggested to me by a few people. so one more day til i get to see my boyfriend, which is wonderful (!), but i miss my family a lot and was so hoping to see them for a whole week at the beach. thanks a lot, BP. anyway, i am eager to get on with this summer. yes, i love summer, but i miss college a lot. the whole environment is wonderful and every weekend feels like a little taste of summer. okay, i am going to quickly take my previous statement back. i love summertime and always have. it's my birthday season, my sister's birthday season, independence day, the end of school, and a lot of other awesome things. while i am working this summer, it is still summertime. i can take a break if i want to, i can (hopefully) go to the beach, and i don't have to worry about scheduling every minute of my life or doing this or that homework. grab the margaritas, the bathing suit, the sunglasses, and let the fun gear up!

weekly bucket list item: get a henna tattoo. parents, read again--henna. now repeat, henna, henna, henna.

accident

1. went to a pool party for a few hours and met some fun people. yes, that's right, i met people!
2. baked cookies for the dinner that i was invited to tonight by family friends. their little girl is so adorable!
3. fell asleep watching house. yes, you heard me. i fell asleep watching house. 

that led to some worry and some freak out, but all is well now. i apologize for the freak out but i lock the doors in my apartment and to my bedroom, so unless someone breaks the glass (which trust me, i'm afraid of that too) i'll be fine. it's interesting because last night the family i was with talked about safety in this area and crime rates and stuff like that. they said the incidence of muggings and robbing by gun and rape were pretty high, but that is expected in a college town. i was like, say what? my college town is pretty safe. or at least i think it is, but i'm sure there is a lot that i don't know about. anyway, i'm a smart girl and i know tips and tricks for how to be safe. and while i'm smart, it also looks like i can be a bit forgetful and careless at times. my apologies, dear readers. why i watch house: for house himself (3rd from right) and for some british doctor (3rd from left)

veg head

1. had some more work in the lab today and got a grand tour of the building. the really nice, brand new, huge building, where i now work. 
2. finished up committed and she annoyed me some at the end of the book, just like how she did in eat, pray, love, but oh well, it was still a good read. on to the help!
3. took a little cat nap today and i knew i shouldn't have because now i'm not tired. oh well, good thing tomorrow is saturday!

people always freak out when they find out that i am a vegetarian. not only a vegetarian, but have only had meat twice in my life, both times on accident, both times i freaked out! my mother turned vegetarian at 15 (hippie) and raised both of her daughters that way. no, my dad is not and could never be a vegetarian. i would have it no other way than to be vegetarian. it is unique, good for my health, good for the earth, and means i get to eat a lot of pasta and fish--yum! yes, let me clarify. i am a broad spectrum vegetarian. an ovo-pesco-lacto vegetarian. a pescatarian. whatever you want to call it, i eat seafood and dairy. so i'm not vegan (i eat animal products like eggs/milk/cheese/etc.) and i'm not a strict vegetarian (since i still technically eat meat). but i like it best this way. even at a steakhouse or bbq joint, i can pretty much find something to eat. it's easy to accommodate being vegetarian, especially in these times. i'm not trying to make people be vegetarian and i'm not grossed out by meat, it's just not something i'm interested in ever eating. the impact of red meat and poultry farming on the planet is enormous and i think it's selfish that people don't want to give up any sort of lifestyle to better this planet. i'm not saying give up all red meat, i'm just saying eat less. your heart will thank you too. red meat is typically pretty bad for you and not necessary for protein or minerals or vitamins, all of which are available from other, healthier sources. will my kids be vegetarian? absolutely. will my husband? probably not, it's not a big trend in the male population. at best, i suggest trying it for lent or for new year's or for the hell of it. can't believe i forgot to mention sensation salad as one of my favorite foods...and no, this is not sensation salad (at all) but it's still a yummy looking salad. mmm!

"i believe in a thing called love"

1. had more lab stuff today. it's so nice to finally be doing stuff with my summer! i'm not one to be lazy for long periods of time (more than a few days, vacations not included).
2. ate kashi pizza for dinner and it was so yummy! i think i'll blog soon about being vegetarian. 
3. since i've started to work, i look forward more to the weekend! it'll be a nice break and my vacation starts on tuesday night (hopefully). 

thank you, the darkness, for the lovely song from which i pull my post title. i'm reading this book committed by the eat, pray, love lady and mainly it just makes me want to re-read that book (for the third time?) and be really jealous of her life. but the movie will come out soon (starring julia roberts, love) so that will be good. but this book raises some excellent points about matrimony and society and human nature. it's historical and funny and personal and evaluative and obvious all at the same time. what i like most about her book is that she examines marriage from all angles and gives me more hope about the institution. she also makes a virtually flawless argument for same-sex marriages. but, that is another topic. anyway, she makes marriage seem much less scary than how i see it now. and this is coming from a self-proclaimed marriage phobic, as she calls herself. i am afraid of divorce just like every other human being and i am especially afraid of it because i just don't want to deal with what i have seen people around me deal with. i couldn't imagine saying vows to someone you think you will love forever and then just ripping that bond apart over "irreconcilable differences." like, what the hell. imagine starting over after something like that. i don't know how people have the courage to do it. but her book is a pretty good and logical look at marriage and i think it's interesting to read about in this day and age where marriage has a lot of problems to contend with--same-sex, divorce, infidelity, celebrity portrayals, religious aspects, etc. anyway, it's a good read.

yeahhhh booiiiiii

1. had my first meeting with my primary summer mentor today and it went so well!
2. got an autographed copy of his second book with a personal message included. so. cool.
3. went out for mexican tonight all by my lonesome. can't really say i enjoyed the experience, but it was good food. 

there is so much that happened to me today that i can't really talk about on this blog. i don't make my personal life really transparent on this blog for safety reasons (though i feel like fewer than five people read it anyway) so i can't discuss how excited i am about today! i see good things coming from this summer and it validates what i am doing so much to know that i have approval on all ends. i just hope that what i'm doing gets me to where i want to be in the end.

tired

1. met with the primary grad student tonight--it was a good start and made me even more ready to dive in!
2. no pool time but started a new book anyway. committed, by elizabeth gilbert, sequel to eat, pray, love.
3. went out tonight and it was so much fun! finally, out of the apartment.

not much to say tonight--very tired. but after my meeting tomorrow with the professor, i will have more of a grasp of what i am doing and talk more about it tomorrow night! not much substance for a picture, but here goes...it's a great new music video that is out. ask me more if you are curious...

yeeee

1. almost finished the book that i started this morning. it's like i'm going through all my books in one or two days. pretty soon i will have none left!
2. went to the pool today but it was too sunny and too hot--i only lasted 3 hours! 
3. i officially start tomorrow--can't wait! it's finally here, haha, i hope i'm not let down!

being in a new place is definitely scary. i don't know anyone and it's hard meeting new people. i start tomorrow and i hope like no other that there are other undergraduates in the lab. or that it wouldn't be weird for me to go out with the grad students, although that is probably not the case. i just want to be around people i know or am getting to know and be in a lively place. and i hope more than anything that this summer turns out to be a good one. it's already june and i can't imagine starting tomorrow and finding out that it was all for nothing. but those are just my worries and fears and concerns...i hope that i am wrong. big day tomorrow! it's bedtime.

it's sunday!

1. i lose track of days so easily in the summertime.
2. i'm almost finished with this book serena--it's great so far but doesn't compare to the female villains Cathy and Umbridge. well, not yet, but i'm not finished with the book yet, haha.
3. watched the next foot network star premiere tonight. i would love to go on that show!

maybe that should be my bucket list item--try out for next food  network star. but i really want to accomplish everything on my bucket list from this blog and i don't know if i'd have the guts to actually do that! but maybe that's the point. hey, what is there to lose, right? bucket list item: try out for the next food network star! on another note, i'm starting to like my summer situation better and am starting full-throttle on tuesday--exciting! not much to say again tonight, except that we're more than halfway through the year--how weird! this blog is only half-over but it's also got a long way to go. xoxo, thanks for reading!

again?

1. did some errands today and ran around town for a bit. but it thunderstormed most of the day so i stayed inside and started a new book and watched some tv. you know, the usual.
2. talked to a bestie for about a half hour on the phone tonight! it made me really excited for the fall!
3. I WENT OUT TONIGHT! shocking, i know. but i went out with the girl who i am subleasing from, so random. but it was fun and hopefully her friends i met will be going out partners for the future. 

so i'm not really in the blogging mood tonight, but here i am, blogging anyway. this is dedication. well, stubbornness. i hope that the beach trip with my family and the boyfriend works out! a summer with no beach trip is not a summer. BP can go to hell because i will find a way!

bakelitequeen

1. no pool today, which put me in a sour mood. i had on sunscreen and everything! 
2. finished bel canto by ann patchett and HATED the ending. don't even want to talk about it. 
3. went to an arts festival thingy in downtown with the family friend's friend and her family tonight. it was fun being with people! and they have an adorable little girl who was dressed as a ladybug just for fun. 

i got a package today from my grandmother and it was an empty bottle of chardonnay and a new bakelite bracelet!!! i've been using empty wine bottles to put my bracelet collection on and it looks fabulously shabby chic--love it. i have this thing about bakelite. it's a slight obsession for which i blame my grandmother. she has a wonderfully fabulous bakelite bracelet collection. but maybe i am ahead of myself--what is bakelite, you may ask? it's a vintage plastic from the 30s and 40s that was made only for that time period into jewelry, appliances, knick knacks, anything you can think of. it went in and out of being hugely collectible and it's back on the up and up. my grandmother got me started on it and now i have a nice collection of my own. i love the stuff and wear it a lot. it makes such a pleasant noise and is totally unique on the accessory front. so i'm very excited to have a new piece and i always have to hold off from buying more! look how cool...

"it don't matter if you're black or white"

1. enjoyed reading a book during a nice morning thunderstorm. then the sun came out and i went to the pool to keep enjoying my book!
2. didn't realize until late in the day that it was thursday today! i thought it was wednesday. yay! less than 2 weeks until the hopeful beach trip...
3. went out for coffee tonight with a family friend's friend and really enjoyed it! she told me more about this place and also mentioned that i might get some baby sitting clients. that'd be great!

oh, thank you michael jackson. he sure did have some glory days. anyway, what prompted me to talk about racism was something my boyfriend mentioned to me yesterday about a text one of the ladies at his job received. essentially, it was very racist and stereotypical. something i argue about with him a lot is southern culture. i love the south and he's a northerner (kind of, also a transplant). so while i understand the concept of living in the south, it is really foreign to him. he claims that you have to be born into southern culture to get it. that may be true, but i am just thankful that i wasn't born a northerner. anyway, racism is a big issue for him. don't get me wrong...it infuriates me. it was pretty prevalent at my high school and always a topic for jokes. mainly racism against blacks or hispanics, but sometimes asians. so blatant racism bothers me a lot and often upset me in school. what i want to make a point of proving, though, is that everyone is racist. yes, EVERYONE (even you). while not every person is blatantly racist, most social psychology research agrees that people of all races have stereotypes about other races/religions/social classes/intelligence levels/genders/sexual orientations/etc. so while it may be an uncomfortable topic, especially for people who claim not to be racist, it is true. everyone is racist or prejudiced in some ways. part of it is just in-group and out-group bias, simple social psych stuff. but a lot of it is more deep seated for us--how we were raised, in what environment, around which people. racism is not always taught, but can be picked up from parents, friends, media, books, any source of information that people use to shape their world views. anyway, my point is that, yes, racism is an awful thing and has torn people and countries apart, there are none who are guiltless. racism affects everyone and racism exists in everyone. disclaimer: this picture is not meant to imply that racism is only whites hating blacks--that is not so--"racism" encompasses a lot of things in the context i am using the word.

lazy day

1. woke up relatively early, applied for another job, started a new book. such is my life right now. 
2. sometimes i get paranoid that i repeat blog post titles. 
3. have i had a lazy day before? oh goodness yes, but hopefully not as a title! forgive me, if that's the case.

i want to be productive. i want to start my work here. and i would love to have a real job that pays money too. i like being productive and working hard and being a useful contribution to society. i could never be an heiress! i would feel so lazy and slovenly and bored. and yes, i could travel and shop and eat and do whatever i wanted all day, but what's the fun in that? why spend the money from daddy's (or mommy's) little piece of plastic? the fun is to earn the money yourself and then do all of that stuff! and if an heiress, where's the real contribution to society? i mean, yes, you could give to charities, but does it mean as much when a celebrity who has mega millions gives $10,000? not really. and where is the exercise of the brain? sure, you can go to school for fun, but there is no drive to make money or to make a name for yourself through a job or scholarship. so that's that. glad i'm not an heiress (but also a little bit jealous)!

a facade of culinary woes

1. the pool was nice today! it's really hot here but the pool definitely helps buffer some of the heat. 
2. finished the book on suicide (thankfully) and am starting a new book tomorrow! can't wait to read novels again, haha. 
3. found a perfect pair of red pumps. alas, they must wait until i have some spare change. 

sometimes i don't write about what i really want to on this blog. it's not a diary and i can't use it as a portal to vent all my feelings. unfortunately. so tonight, i am using a facade of talking about the food network show chopped instead of using this space to talk about what i really want to. this show is about four chef competitors who face off against one another and compete for a $10,000 prize. the twist is that each round of the competition, appetizer/entree/dessert, there is a basket of mystery ingredients that have to all be used in that round. 20 minutes/30 minutes/30 minutes. every time i watch this show i live vicariously through the chefs. i would love to go to culinary school and learn how to cook for real. i would love to study in france and italy about how to cook amazing food. but there are also other things i want to do with my life--more pressing things that i am more passionate about. for now, i will stick to watching the show and talking about what i would cook if it were me.

this book i'm reading

1. went to the pool today until it started to thunderstorm! it was nice to get some sunshine time in but we need rain here too.
2. grocery store, vacuum, wash dishes, make dinner, tidy up. such a productive person (today anyway).
3. watched the bachelorette from 8-10. this girl is kind of stupid and keeping some dud guys around. and the guys aren't even all that decent this season. bummer. 

i'm reading this book "why people die by suicide" for my summer work. it's a really depressing book, naturally, that is basically all about this model that tries to explain why suicide happens. i'm about 2/3 of the way through it now and on the chapter about genetics, neurobiology, and mental illness risk factors (yawn). but the final chapter is about prevention and treatment--what i'm most excited to learn about. okay, not excited, but most interested in learning about. the book has some pretty sad anecdotes about suicide and one really stuck out in my mind. a new yorker article in 2003 (i think) wrote about golden gate bridge suicides and told a few stories, one about this guy whose suicide note said something like "i'm going to walk to the bridge. if anyone smiles at me, i will not jump." well...he jumped and died. that is so heartbreaking. our society these days is so globalized and connected yet there are over 1 million suicide deaths per year worldwide. all it would have taken was a simple smile from someone, and the man would not have jumped to his death. it is an uncomfortable story, especially when coupled with the refusal to build a suicide barrier on the golden gate bridge for "aesthetic reasons." such. bullshit. but anyway, my rant about suicide is more a rant about people becoming desensitized. i was driving on the highway one night with  my boyfriend in the front seat when a man came out into the road slowly, waving his hand for me to stop. he seemed pretty normal, glasses and average clothes, and i slowed down to stop but my boyfriend told me to keep driving. granted, it was a deserted road and late at night and kind of suspicious, but i wanted to stop. i felt bad and guilty and like i wasn't helping someone who needed help. i would not have stopped if i was alone, but i figured it couldn't be that bad with my boyfriend in the car. he pointed out how it was weird and possibly unsafe and was logical about it, but i still couldn't get the image out of my head. and i walk past homeless people almost every day in my college town but usually don't stop and help. as a young female, the issue of safety is always brought up as a reason not to help people. but when did our society become so unhelpful and so untrustworthy? it's a damn shame.

this is kitty genovese, by the way.

carrie was right

1. woke up late today and still felt crappy...
2. so i went to the doctor and found out that i have a sinus infection. yay for me!
3. watched legally blonde and made dinner, then did some more homework-ish stuff.

okay, i hate to admit it. carrie from sex and the city 2 was right. carrie annoys me usually and is such a drama queen, but she was right about one thing in the new movie--time flies. she says in the beginning how years pass and suddenly a decade has gone by in what feels like a second. i have this document on my computer where i record all the topics of my blog posts to make sure i don't repeat topics. i got behind on this document and hadn't recorded any topics since march 30th. going back through all my posts and reading them again made me realize how quickly this year is passing. every christmas i get all excited for the new year and know that it will seem to take forever to go by, but in all reality it flies! it's already may 30th!!! where has this year gone--into thin air?! i feel like such an old person talking about time flying by, but it really is true. and i know that once august hits and school starts back up, i'll be like "ugh, a whole nother semester." but before i know it, it'll be december 31st again and hopefully i'll be preparing to go to italy for a semester. so much in life is temporary and i want to do great things with my life but have to question the necessity of it all. i get that being the best is important and working my butt off is important too, but there also has to be joy and zest for life in order for all of that to mean anything. i've realized with this blog that it's hard to talk about stuff just on the fly--i thought it would be easy to think of nightly topics, but it's been hard! but i am still committed and still stubborn and still all the way invested in this project. reading other blogs is fun too. and i love that i just came up with this idea one night and decided to stick to it--that's a very typical move for me. i'm very driven by emotions and how i feel at the time. so i decided to do this thing and have been doing it since.
bucket list item--design a room for my house that is just for me.