abbrev

1. the title of this blog is for my ladies. good times.
2. i am happy that my parents landed safely from their spring break trip. i get nervous when anyone in my family travels. 
3. went to the mall today. why is the mall so much fun? i'm old enough that it shouldn't but fun, but it still is. 

protection: it's how i live my life. i am all about la familia. this post is for my friends and my family. mess with them and i will mess with you. they are my life. there is nothing i wouldn't do for them. no matter what, they are my life. if you are in my group, i will protect you and i will...f"**k you up if you ever hurt my people. i just love too fiercely and am too loyal to take anything less than that.

hoessick

1. registered for fall classes today! it's so exciting that i'm going to be a junior! and i got most of the classes that i want, but also didn't get a lot of the ones i did want. oh well, it's a give and take. 
2. apparently, though, i'm too OLD to get into italian 101--it's reserved for freshmen. what. the. hell. guess i missed the boat on that one...? lame.
3. went to relay for life for a few hours. it's cool to see the survivor lap in the beginning; a lot of people were crying and it made me really grateful and nostalgic. 

my title is in reference to the security message i was asked to type in when i wanted to comment on another blog. i thought it was really funny. it's not relevant to my blog at all. but i feel myself slipping back. that's all for tonight. and this is for my girl! mia, freshmen year, good times...

good times

1. classes most of the day--slept in to get some sleep to try and get over my illness. it semi-worked.
2. went to a cocktail tonight for my boyfriend's tour guide group that he's in; it was pretty fun and i got to dress up!
3. ladies' night at the bar in town. it was all my favorite girls and so much fun!

tonight is one of those nights i really don't want to blog. so, i'm not going to. nothing is more precious to me right now than sleep and dreaming and getting better. so that's what's on the schedule for tonight! i want everyone who is reading this to forgive me, please, for a lacking post. sometimes, it just happens. but hey, at least i'm still posting...

C being committed

1. woke up SO early today and went to do data collection for the lab i'm in--that was not fun--and it was cold. speaking of cold, i'm pretty sure i have one...in the middle of april...
2. i signed my lease for this summer! i'm SO excited!!!
3. tomorrow is going to be a very long day, so i'm blogging early and going to bed. almost my favorite place on this campus...

so, commitments. i have a major commitment to my blog. i blog every day, regardless of how tired or upset or happy or busy i am. i'm not gonna lie, it's been hard. like right now, when i feel like crap, i'm still blogging. but that's not the type of commitment i meant yesterday when i said i wanted to talk about them. i have a commitment to my future and a commitment to my labs. but when those commitments interfere with my personal life, how do i deal with that? there are certain things i want out of my life, obvious things like friendship and happiness (and many more things). but i also want professional greatness (what i define as greatness) and to be fulfilled in all ways. to flourish, essentially. but my commitments are conflicting right now. my commitment to friendship and the possibilities of friendship are being tested by the commitment i have to my lab, to my future plans, and to my professional self. so where to go from here? i am not sure. i remember from my AP psych class a term "cognitive dissonance." look it up, if you care to know more. anyway, i'm done for the night. still really confused about this topic and also about how much i can say on this blog.

ahhhh

1. i just ate a 14" pizza, a small cup of ben & jerry's ice cream, and am still alive and well. massive props to me!
2. classes today weren't that bad, actually. my break in between classes has become really nice too since i dropped that class awhile ago. 
3. blogging so early tonight because i am getting sick/allergic and feel not-so-good. benadryl, here i come...

me=so excited for summer! i am about to sign the lease (keep your fingers crossed) and can't wait to live on my own! or at least, not live with anyone i know. i hope i can get a job! and work and make money to offset some of the cost for this summer. and i'm excited to make progress in my career. short post tonight, but i feel really full and stuffed up. finishing up watching chopped on food network (best show ever) and then going to sleep! early morning tomorrow. i think tomorrow night i will talk about...commitments.

getting there

1. no classes today! i am trying to say this as much as possible before the semester ends and i can't say it again, since i will not have four day weekend and two days of class in the fall. boo!
2. got a lot of work done between yesterday and today, but still not quite caught up. that's what my break between classes tomorrow is for, though, right?
3. i realized that there are three weeks and three days left in my spring semester. yes..but where has all the time gone? (slight pirates of the caribbean reference)

picking up on the thread of me realizing that my spring semester, WHERE IS 2010 GOING?! this is my 103 blog post. that's a lot of day! almost 1/3 of the year! holy moly!!! where is my life going?! okay, minor freak out session over. but really, i register on friday for my junior year fall semester classes. NO WAY AM I ABOUT TO BE A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE. that is not even possible! okay, so i'm still freaking out. this summer is fast (warp speed) approaching and i don't even know how to deal with it. so much in my life is about to change and i have no way to control that. well, i always have a choice i suppose (according to my friend's dad), but do i really? my life will just happen with no regards to me anyway, so i might as well just accept the changes...right? yeesh. exam week will be here any second, and then summer, and then fall semester, and then december 31st and all this will be over. that is sad, yes kind of a relief. i feel this slight pressure to perform because of this blog. whether or not people actually read it doesn't really matter anymore...it's about me keeping my commitment to myself. following through with this will be the biggest new year's resolution i've ever kept (maybe the only one) and i think that's pretty exciting. okay, back to me freaking out. now that all this is happening and i am realizing that my semester is almost over, i'm suddenly wanting to slam on the breaks and live out my last weeks in slow and peaceful sunshiney bliss. not possible, but still unfortunate. i am still incredibly stoked for summer 2010 (i hope it doesn't let me down...), but i am getting a little nervous honestly. just a little. the "a lot nervous" will come closer to the date i move, most likely. anyway, time is flying and i'm standing still, so i better get my butt in gear and catch up!

polyvor-acious

1. i wrote a ten page paper in 8 hours today and it was awesome. okay, it wasn't that fun to write but it was interesting and seemed to go pretty smoothly. 
2. ate a delicious subway sandwich today. i don't even know what made it so good, but it was just right. 
3. my throat is starting to get scratchy and there are two possible culprits: pollen and no sleep. 

so i've found a new thing: www.polyvore.com. please, see my fashion mistakes post for a framework to understand my new found affinity for this site. it's like i get to shop for and make outfits out of ANYTHING on the internet that i want. let that sink in...any item on the internet i can "clip to polyvore" and make a "set" with it. basically, i online shop (something i'm really good at) and make outfits out of the clothes and accessories i find (something i wish i could do for a living). i love fashion and i love to imagine that i have a limitless supply of money to make the ultra chic outfits that i dream about. alas, i am a college girl just pretending i can afford everything in my set. my obsession with bakelite jewelry is the basis for all my sets; i use bakelite in every fashion set i make. i think it's a really cool and fitting idea that my aunt suggested and my grandmother fostered (many thanks, YaYas). so basically, my name is BakeliteQueen on the website and you (yes, you!) should go and check out/like/comment on my sets. my mother and sister and father (everyone, actually) is concerned that it will become an addiction, but i am no where near that level yet (like some other "polywhores...). it's just a fun way to distract myself and be creative.

bucket list item is fashion-themed tonight: be a pro-bono personal stylist/shopper for those who ask for/need my help.

thunder

1. went to our spring football game today! it was pretty fun--we're looking good for the fall season.
2. ate a delicious dinner--three slices of legitimate italian pizza with spinach, feta, garlic, and cheese. mmm.
3. had a fun night, but the chilly weather returned! not okay with me. this upcoming week looks nice though.

i got caught in the rain the other night and loved just standing in the rain, feeling it. i hate rainstorms when i'm trying to walk to class, but they are so calming at night. when it used to rain when i was little, i would open my window next to my bed and listen to the rain and watch the lightening from the windowsill. i remember thinking how pretty the lightening looked, especially the bolts that spread across the whole sky. i've never been afraid of thunderstorms; they always just seem like expressions of intense emotion. so the other night, i just watched the rain fall and liked how it felt on my face. thunderstorms at night are a beautiful thing. and even during the day they can be okay...as long as i'm not trying to walk to class!

diamonds are forever

1. girls, this one is for y'all.
2. great day--no classes and a beautiful, slightly chilly day. 
3. i'm so tired right now, though, from last night. 

i'm stubborn and that's the end of it. i'll feel what to feel, do what i want to do, and act how i want to act. all those of conditions have constraints, but they still usually hold true. i have intense empathy and concern for other people, especially those close to me. i will feel what others feel. i've always been this way, and nothing about those two facets of my personality will change.

99 problems

1. classes today, weekend started at 4:45!
2. it rained--thank the lord! the pollen has finally disappeared. 
3. my night was so much fun! love to all my girls.

i got 99 problems, and they all...nothing! i'm happy right now, but exhausted. my only topic for tonight is that it's my 99th post--how exciting! and what a fortuitous number. i'm excited that i've made it this far and i'm excited to reach 100, and then finally, 365! what the year holds in store, i cannot say, but i'm more ready for it than ever.

bob caldwell

1. did some work today, but also relaxed some. it was a pretty good day overall. life=love right now.
2. that's not to say that my life isn't stressful! it just seems that i'm learning to take the good with the bad. i'm trying to stress less and have more fun. 
3. my decision of the day: have a really fun and still productive weekend! classes are coming down to the wire, so i need to stay focused on making dean's list (can't break the record!).

why is it that the weatherman is always wrong? has anyone else experienced this, or was it just the weatherman in my hometown? the art of telling the weather is so imprecise, so random...seems like a pretty easy job! i know that it's actually pretty hard and involves a lot of math and science, but still. can't they get it right every once in awhile?! i mean, i can just look outside and see what it's doing that minute...i need to know what it's going to be doing tomorrow (accurately, please)! so that's my rant about the weather. and i'm grumpy because it's supposed to be 83 and 30% chance of t-storms tomorrow--a.k.a. hot and humid. gross. i like the mean girls approach to weather "there's a 30% chance that it's already raining."

out of this world

1. classes today, back in the swing of things! but only for another month...then i become a junior. yikes!
2. saw a really great movie for my history class tonight, the lives of others. it won best foreign film in 2007 (rightly so) and was really well done. but sad!
3. today's weather was beautiful! i can even handle all the pollen since the sunshine and heat is a welcome change from the rainy misery of winter.

i want to go to outer space, but i hate flying. i feel like this is a problem. the two things i was always fascinated with as a child: thunderstorms and stars. the first i will save for another post, but the second i will talk about tonight. have you ever seen that movie, october sky? i watched it in almost every science class i ever took in middle and high school, and i always empathized with the kid. he just wanted to go into space. or make rockets. anyway. i want to just wish my way onto the moon and see how the earth looks from outer space. really think about it...wouldn't that be one of the coolest things on the planet (or off it...ha ha ha, get it?)?! to see the galaxy we live in from a whole different perspective...talk about getting a new lease on life. the stars are beautiful at my house and i can't see them that well at school. it's a sad sight to see a blank sky night after night when i was used to seeing diamonds in the sky (sans lucy). but i'm just hopeful that an easier way to travel into outer space will come along before my life ends. also, i hope they can make the flight a little easier. if i already don't like to fly in an airplane, imagine how a space shuttle will make me feel. eek! but perhaps i could overcome that (intense) fear of (horribly painful) death and fly to the outer realms of the galaxy. how beautiful would that be...

randomness

1. drove back to school today. it was bittersweet; i was sad to leave my beautiful home but happy to return to chapel hill.
2. finished up my paper today and did some other random homework. 
3. i'm excited for this week and this weekend! and it's only monday...

so much of life is random. i am starting to like how the itty bitty things in life can be just as earth-shaking as the big events. we talked in my roman art class about what we would put on our funery reliefs (basically, the pictures that go on the side of our sarcophagus). anyway, we all mentioned the big events like graduation, marriage, job, children, grandchildren, death, but none of us mentioned the small things in life. like what about the person you met on the street one day who possibly changed your life? or the part-time job you had that gave you a new career choice? or the meeting with a professor that changed your academic life? these things are all so random and seemingly insignificant, but they have profound impacts on our lives, just like the big events. it's important for us to remember this as we walk through our lives, day after day, year after year. what is happening now may seem hugely important, or not important at all, but will most definitely affect the future in some way. oh, and i'm slowly learning to fly...and loving it.

ascension

1. happy easter!!!
2. beautiful service, delicious brunch, relaxing day. what a wonderful weekend i've had. 
3. back to school tomorrow; i've even been semi-productive and written a paper while home. 

i am all written out. this paper has sucked out all my energy. but i am almost finished with it, and i need to get sleep for the long drive back to school tomorrow. i am at the point now where it's getting more difficult not to repeat myself in my blog topics. even so, i know that lately i have had some failings of blog posts, especially on the weekends. so i'm going to try to do better! the easter season is about celebration and redemption, so that's what i should focus on tonight. i'm celebrating my family and the love i have for them. and i am also celebrating the love that my church family has for me and all the support they gave me as i grew up those 18 years in the church. i was blessed to have the experiences that i did in my church. it gave me something to hold onto when i was scared or doubting. my faith came to be represented by those church memories. as a kid, it's hard to know what religion is all about or why people need it so much. well, that's not so for some kids i guess, but it was true for me. i just knew parts of the book of common prayer by heart and knew the words that the rector would say every sunday--i still know those things today. i used to want to be a preacher so that i could heal people. but i have found a way of healing that suits me more, though the appeal of being a preacher is still there. but that is not a possibility anymore. and i didn't want any of the other stuff, just to lead services and talk to people. so it looks like i found another way to fill that need. but i can't imagine my life without the church, and thus find it hard to leave it behind. and maybe i won't, but i also know that for now i need to live my life without a structured church setting and just let my faith wander and see where it takes me.

bucket list item: buy a lottery ticket. 

guilt

1. had a wonderful day with the YaYas--went to lunch and had a birthday celebration for my mom!
2. watched the final four games--such a disappointment for both games. hopefully butler wins (kills, embarrasses, destroys) duke on monday night!
3. went to bed early in preparation for easter sunday; it's my second favorite church service (next to christmas, of course).

okay, so i'm mildly upset with myself. i did not follow through on all of my lent list items every day. some days i stuck to it, but other days i gave in and had one of the items, but not the others. i think it's interesting, though, that for the 50 days of the easter season, the confession of sin is not said in the episcopal church (i'm a cradle episcopalian). it's like during the easter season, all is forgiven automatically because Jesus was risen from the dead. however, i still feel guilty about this lenten season because i slacked off. this is the first year that i have not strictly stuck to my lenten promise of giving something up. when i was a kid, it was always ice cream. and i never had it on sundays either because my mom just wouldn't keep it in the house during lent. when i got older, i would add school cookies or something similar to the list. last year: facebook and dining hall cookies. it was the toughest year yet, but totally worth it. this year, while i stuck to some things, i didn't really attempt to practice the discipline of the lenten season. i felt guilty in the beginning, but soon washed my hands of that guilt. looking back, i see how much being raised religious affected my thinking. was there any reason that i should feel guilty for eating/drinking what was "forbidden," other than the church said i wasn't supposed to for 40 days and nights? not really. but i have been raised to practice lent and this is the first year that i haven't. it was interesting, though, to see my reaction. and i'm ready for easter tomorrow; while the celebration of lent ending will not be as sweet, it is still just as beautiful of a service and special of a day.

both worlds

1. project runway is distracting me. 
2. i went to my sister's school today and ate lunch with her and someone else, then spent some time in the city. it was a great day (like, great day).
3. i had a delicious dinner with my family and watched the blind side for a second time. i really like that movie.

so where i am from is hard for people to understand unless they grew up somewhere like i did. most people i've met in college do not get it. they just...don't understand my hometown.  but where i am from is a special place. it's country and hick and backwoods (backwards, too). but it's unique and holds an interesting place in my heart. i lived in one house my entire life, the house my daddy built all by himself. i have none nothing else, and i would change nothing about where i grew up or how i grew up. it shaped me tremendously. maybe it's obvious to say that where i grew up shaped me, but i feel that how i was raised mixed with where i was raised made me into the person i am today. and both influences keep shaping me. my hometown is different from my college town, almost polar opposite. but the two put together have done a lot for my personal growth. people may criticize both places, i even criticize both places, but in the end, they have done a lot to make me, well, me. C.

wedding bells?

1. "i'm at a place called vertigo."
2. went to class, had lunch with friends, relaxed, went to class, skipped class, drove home with friends. great day. and i'm so happy to be home for easter!
3. talked more with the girl who i am (most likely) subletting from this summer and it's very close to being official! we just have to work out final details and sign a lease. SO EXCITED.

so i was watching WEtv with my suitemates the other day (typical) and was fascinated by the shows "platinum brides" and "bridezillas." such concepts for entertainment. if you are not familiar, "platinum brides" is basically a show about who can spend the most money on a wedding. the prices for everything are given and they are outrageous. it's just...ridiculous. "bridezillas" is a show about horribly bitchy women who make everyone's lives miserable so that they can be "generously compensated" a.k.a. get a free honeymoon. it may actually be worth it to go onto national television and act hella bitchy for a free honeymoon...but anyway. while the shows are entertaining and funny and ridiculous, they also exemplify how wrapped up in the wedding culture our society has become. what happened to focusing on the groom rather than the thousands of dollars you are spending on a 12 hour day. i know, i know, it's supposed to be the most important day of your life. but...why? if you are marrying someone you love and will spend your life with, isn't that day just the beginning of the rest of your life? also, it's not like you weren't dating the person before you married them; like, you know who you are marrying and why you love them, so why is the wedding day such a huge deal? and shouldn't other days be really important too? like the birth of children, graduating college, getting a dream job, the death of parents, etc.? anyway, i hate to see how obsessed people have become with weddings and seem to have forgotten about the groom/bride. just give me a place, dress, food, and music...then a baller honeymoon! the wedding should be about the couple and spending time together--not the hooplah involved with the actual process. it's all so commercialized and overblown. use that money more wisely and build a future together. so that's my tirade about weddings. with all that said, i do like "say yes to the dress" on TLC, though that show is rather ridiculous also...but what's important to me is that my wedding will be simpler.

passion

1. noooo classes. i laid out in the sun today on my dorm lawn and read homework. it was amazing. i love sunshine. 
2. had my lab meeting and watched top model and spent my night with someone. 
3. i go home for easter tomorrow! just three days between a weekend with my family; i couldn't be happier.

i am unable to understand how someone cannot love what they are studying in school. maybe this is just blind naivete on my part, but i can't imagine not really caring about or respecting the field one is spending time studying for 4+ years. i am in love with my major, but i am not stupid about its shortcomings. i know that there are failings in my field but i also couldn't imagine spending my life any other way. i am incredibly passionate about it and want to just learn everything i can and then take that knowledge and run with it and change lives. so yeah, that's my rant for tonight. love what you do, or it will never be worth it.

...we're lost

1. got out of my last class early because my teacher has a sore throat. sucks for him, but it was great for me!
2. we only lost our softball game by 2 runs, and we started our kickball team today! my team name suggestion, team "kick you in the balls," was too long, so we settled on team "kicks balls." vulgar, but collegiate. 
3. planned out my fall semester--i'm hopeful that as a junior (OMG) i'll actually get into the classes that i want. we shall see if the registration gods look favorably upon me...

the death of the american frontier mentality: the GPS. i hate the GPS. it has turned almost all smart and respectable drivers into whiny, incapable tykes who are unable to function without the omnipotent machine telling them to "turn right in 400 yards" in a monotone, robotic voice. the GPS has reduced the american vision of conquering new territories and stepping out into the world to a rubbish heap of boring and worrisome planned-out trips. the most exciting thing about traveling is using a map and figuring out where you are and how you got lost and how to get found again! it's a challenge that has faced humans for many thousands of years and the GPS is now destroying the human intuition for direction and judgment. it is f***ing with evolution, for pete's sake. and we just sit there and take it?! inconceivable! how has this happened?! how do we stand for tv commercials with freaky GPS devices locking the driver in his car and demanding he give the newly purchased diamond necklace to the GPS before being able to drive? that is just weird. unacceptable, and weird. the GPS has screwed with the very confidence of drivers in their ability to figure it out. i think this is when a differentiation is necessary: maps are and have always been very useful tools for deciphering location; the GPS is a usually-wrong-falsely-proclaimed-as-always-right piece of equipment that has hijacked the ability of the driver to operate solo. basically, i think that the GPS is part of the decline of civilization. and i think using one is a terrible mistake. just...use a map. they will be right, i promise. just go get lost somewhere and challenge yourself to find a way out. if you want to be really crafty (and slightly stupid), don't bring your cell phone (gasp!).

on the road again

1. no classes today, but did work and went to two meetings. i love my major. i'm so excited about it. 
2. had a really good talk tonight.
3. decided that i absolutely want to study abroad next spring and i absolutely want to live my life for me. 

like my third one says, i have decided to keep living my life for me. i want so many things and i expect so much from myself. but i know that i have the ability to complete all these goals and more, and i definitely have the desire. i'm very interested to see where my life will take me, and scared that it will be in a direction i haven't intended (which will most likely be the case). anyway, it will be...so emotional to watch my life play out. i'm excited to live my college life, and to see what is out there for me after college.