simply wonderful

1. SPRING BREAK!!!
2. SPRING BREAK!!!
3. SPRING BREAK!!!

that's really all these is to say. i am on spring break. i did two things today that i've never done before! i flew all by myself, and am in colorado! it's so exciting. boulder=beautiful. the vibe in this town is ridiculously chill and reminds me so much of the city near my hometown. sometimes i forget when i'm in college how much i love the area i'm from...the mountains will always call to me. but this place, these rockies, are a totally new kind of beauty. they are stark and formidable and barren and snowy and beautiful. i am just in the most amazing mood right now. something about this place and being with one of my besties from home is perfect. and this night will be SO FUN and boarding tomorrow will be SO FUN. and i'm here through monday (YAY). then, back to my hometown for family time and home time. then the second half of the semester, then summer. the best season ever. so yeah, right now, i'm basically just "simply wonderful."

safety

1. had three classes today; it felt amazing. it was a beautiful day here; i love gorgeous weather. i had a great night; spring break has started!
2. i woke up at 7:15 to do laundry this morning. i'm so dedicated (actually, i was just out of clothes, so i had no choice). that wasn't fun...
3. i talked to the grad student from the lab where i'll be working this summer. i'm SO excited! we got some more specifics figured out, and i'm going to start looking for housing when i'm home over break.

i am flying tomorrow. isn't it ironic that my mantra is "to fly," yet i'm pretty uncomfortable with flying in a plane. i just always feel so sure that something is going to go wrong and i will surely die. i know that the rates of car crash death are way more than plane crash death, but i can't help but think that if something does go wrong on that plane, my chances of survival are way smaller. and i don't mean for this post to be morbid, but i just think about it a lot before i fly. or travel long distances. but i never think about it when just driving around campus or around my hometown, even though that's when your chances of getting in a car wreck are highest. sometimes i can feel safe, though. i spend a fair amount of my time worried about dying young. but when i worry about this, i try to be rational and think statistically and remind myself that i most likely will live to an old age. but even as i'm typing these words, i am gripped with fear. a fear that i won't live out my potential. and what if i do get in a plane crash or a car wreck or something falls on me from the sky? then what? there is so much i haven't said and so much i haven't done. i'm just terrified. i mean, no one actually thinks that their plane is going to be the one to crash. but think about the people who are on those planes that do crash. i can't even imagine. but i need to remember my safety nets. i feel safe when i think about certain people or certain situations. so hopefully i can remember these people and situations and feel better when i'm lifting off tomorrow. let's fly.

funny how things happen

1. i love it when the whole laundry room isn't functioning because the main service box is "out of service." especially when i no longer have underwear or pants, and refuse to wear leggings as pants. thanks, dorm!
2. i dropped library science today. it felt great! that class was so stupid and i didn't care about it at all. first time that has happened to me in college.
3. spring break is so close, so close. and i am going to have the best time ever. and then i get to see my family and spend time with them in my beautiful hometown. and play with my cat! yay for spring break and the semester being half over.

the timing of life never ceases to surprise me. i got an email today from my church's listserve informing me that the service for sunday has changed and will be "a very different kind of 'Episcopal' service than normal." while this may seem insignificant to many, it's a big deal for me. i can't really explain it...but it's like as soon as i accuse organized religion of being rigid and imperfect, i get this message that it can be flexible and the innate beauty i used to see in church services can be brought forth again. and i very much appreciate the comment on my post from last night--humans cannot comprehend the mind of God. how very true. we all try to, but i feel like i question and judge and wonder even more than normal. that's hard to say for sure, but it's how i feel. but these two things have helped reinforce my faith, even if in small ways. like i said, faith is enormously personal and what is significant to me may not be important to anyone else. but i always look for signs in every aspect of my life. to me, these are signs that i am not alone and that some being is laughing at the dramatic irony. also, as soon as i started to feel uber confident about my work in the two labs, something happened that immediately grounded me and served as a sort of reality check. i am not perfect. this blog has given me a new mantra, "to fly," and while "i am not perfect" isn't a mantra, it's a good thing for me to remember. this life, i love how it just works.

"belief is a beautiful armor"

1. had class all day; it was pretty cold here but the rain/sleet/snow didn't start until evening, so that was a plus. but still, i just want sunshine and snow (spring break!) and sunshine and warm weather (this summer!).
2. saw the original manchurian candidate tonight for my history class. really good movie. made me think back to my post about the military and psychology and ethics.
3. i just want to sleep, for hours and hours and hours. that, and i want to wake up in hawaii. 

this is a really hard post for me. it's hard to admit that i am struggling with something i was raised to believe in. but then again, i think this is what people do, or attempt to do--question. i am a cradle episcopalian, meaning i was born and raised in the episcopal church. and i love my church family and i love how i was raised and the people i met through youth council and conferences. and i love the strength and the clarity my faith has given me. although i don't go to church now, and don't even know if i still identify with any set of beliefs, i just have this feeling inside me that some being is with me, helping me and protecting me. and when i am weak, their is a strength that comes to me. but i have a lot of issue with being told that i need to feel that presence in a church. don't get me wrong, i love the feeling that church gives me. the ritual and the ceremony brings me a peace that is unmatched in almost any other capacity. but i can feel that alone on the top of haleakala, or on the beach, or standing in the sunshine, or watching the rain. notice how those examples all dealt with nature. but what is most important to me right now is finding out who i am. and i have always been defined, in large part, by my religion. but i am struggling to keep that part of me alive. i don't go to church in college, i don't even really pray, except by just having conversations with myself. but as much as i feel cynical about organized religion, i feel this urge to have faith. i see religion and faith as two very separate, but related, concepts. i have faith in a higher power. while i have always struggled with the fundamental question "does God exist?", it has only helped me even more to explore what this life is about. there won't always be someone there for me, so i need to learn to rely on myself. but i also know that i have someone or something there for me. but then i hear the nagging voice wondering what happens if i'm wrong. isn't religion just a human creation based on a need to believe that this ephemeral life isn't all there is for us? or do religions stem from actual deities who spread their word among mortals? and this is a question i don't think anyone really has the ability to truly answer, though each person can answer for his/herself. but religion and faith...religion was born from a need to share faith with others. but what is so wrong with everyone believing in his/her own higher power? why the wars and killings and hate over which religion is right and which is wrong? and why the inability to separate religion from every aspect of life (government, relationships, the workplace, etc.)? it's because religion is a creation of humans. whether or not it's based in truth is a question i cannot answer, but organized religion is imperfect simply because humans are imperfect. i have accepted that. what is more difficult for me is figuring out where i fit in on this issue, and how decisions i make will affect others in my life (namely my husband and my children). but i think that's what these years (and this life) are all about--figuring out where i fit in the beautiful mess.

how sweet it is

1. good day! went on a recruiting adventure, had a fun meeting, and did homework. it was a beautiful day and spring break is almost here...friday, please come sooner.
2. the bachelor season finale was tonight. fml, he chose the wrong girl. america hates him and i hope he knows it...stupid jake and vienna. 
3. some of the work just got finished, but more was piled on. isn't that how hell week before spring break always is...oh well.

this episode of the bachelor has made me so cynical about love. he chose the wrong girl! everyone knows it! isn't it so frustrating when everyone can see that two people are wrong for each other, but the people involved can't see it. that's how i feel about this episode, as well as about other people in my life not directly involved with me but still connected to me. hindsight is 20/20 and i also think that the input of those around someone is incredibly valuable. the good friends and family will always be honest, yet tactful. allowing one to live life and experience mistakes and failure, but be there when the dust settles. so there is a lot to say about love. there is family love, friendship love, romantic love, sexual love, just to name a few. and the important relationships in my life are each characterized  by one or more types of love. but the whole reason i'm writing this post is almost as a tribute to the unique and enduring love my parents have shared. me talking about my loving relationships with other people can wait, or not be said at all. i'll have to see how i feel about it later. anyway, my parents have shaped so much how i think about love and how i think a marriage should be. and i know that everyone is shaped by their parents' marriage or divorce or absence. sometimes, i was afraid my parents would get divorced when i was little. i saw them fighting and loved each one so much that i was always confused when they fought and were upset with one another. but my sister calmly explained to me something that changed my perception of my parents' relationship (granted, it took some time). she told me that they would never get divorced and would always be together because neither could be with anyone else. it's so true, too. my dad and mom would not be happy with anyone else. they are just...so exactly what the other person needs. when my dad is stubborn and irate, my mom just rolls her eyes and points out his flawed logic and brings out the steely resolve that she has too. my mom always claimed i got my stubbornness from my dad, but really, she is just as stubborn, she is just more accepting of change than me and dad. anyway, when my mom is nagging and relentless, my dad can just tell her to stop being so overbearing and calm down. my parents need their alone time too, and both respect that. we were never a family that spent every minute together, not by any means. but we all worked and i think it's because they worked. they both taught me the value of independence--it is now one of the most important things to me and one of the most important things i preserve about myself. but back to the story, my parents love each other more than i thought possible, and it's taken me growing up to see that they truly couldn't be without one another and be happy. it's just how they function. they have made me believe in love. and them spending 30 years married is incredible to me. and raising two daughters during that time and going through so much together, i can't even imagine the difficulty. but their love and their bond has pulled them through and will keep pulling them through for the gold and diamond anniversaries. i'm not trying to paint a picture of their relationship being perfect, because it's not by any means. but it works. and in today's society, to me, that is a miracle every day.

not enough time

1. had a great weekend. end of story. so much fun. i love college.
2. had a delicious dinner at carrabba's tonight.
3. the bachelor season finale is tomorrow night!!!

so there isn't time enough tonight to talk about what i want to, so i'm going to lead into my posts for the next two days. tomorrow night i am going to talk about love/marriage in honor of my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. and tuesday night (barring any significant triggers) i am going to talk about religion and faith. these next two posts are ones that i am excited about and want to spend some time on. they'll also help break the pattern i get in to on weekends of not blogging that much. so yeah, tonight i don't have much to say really! or i do, but i don't have nearly enough time to talk about religion and faith tonight. so i hope everyone reading this has a great week! it's almost spring break for me, so yay! and it's almost summer for everyone else...yay! in honor of being excited about summer, a picture from my trip last summer to hawaii!

one thing i want to do...travel to egypt and greece.

blog

1. stayed up late, slept not that late (unfortunately). went shopping with my friends, bought a snowboard bag, edited the poster abstract.
2. about to go out, i love college, yay!
3. again, i don't have that much to say today! but it's still been a good day.

i don't have that much to say tonight! i'm just in a really good mood and happy that i'm around my friends. i'm also hanging out with friends from last year tonight, which is good. so yeah, life is going well. let's hope it continues. i guess tonight it just a night to be thankful. i'm thankful for all the good in my life right now.

i get by

1. great day--read a good book, wrote up some stuff for school, went to lunch and had an amazing with my grad student friend. 
2. it was cold and beautiful (one of those days i really love).
3. went out tonight with my friends, old and new. it was so much fun.

so i've blogged a lot about my friends and how much people in my life mean to me. but this is a different kind of post. it's similar to one of my previous posts about how random people can end up being so significant in my life. during the lunch talk today, we talked about how decisions can change people's lives without even knowing it. how is it that so many people have and will continue to impact my life? i guess this post is about how relationships change people. so this is an obvious statement, right? like, duh, C, people change other people's lives. but think about how many people had to make each specific decision in their lives to end up in yours. and then think about how all of these people will have impacts on your life. and when someone new enters one's life, it's hard to judge how that person will affect one's current path in life. but one thing is for sure: you never know when your life will change (at every second of every day), nor do you know why it is changing. and that is enough to think about for a lifetime.

momentum

1. looooong day today. class all day and then a meeting from 7-10:15. yikes.
2. but about to go out now! let's relieve all the stress from this week by hanging out with my girls. more than looking forward to this weekend, too.
3. SUPER EXCITING NEWS! but it's not like i can actually talk about it here. if interested, get in touch with me and i'll share. 

isn't it weird how feelings work in spirals? one week can be REALLY bad, but then the next can be REALLY good. i've always wondered whether it's a function of how people tend to perceive one day, and then they let that carry on to the rest of the week, or the days in a week really are just all similar. but i've been having one of the good momentum pushes lately. and today, when it had started to wear off (stress, headache, homework, etc.), it all of a sudden got WAY better. so now i am confused. maybe it's just a pattern that i'm noticing because i'm living in the moment right now. this could just be my experience. but isn't that what this blog is about? tangent, sorry. anyway! i'm really excited and i spent a majority of my night doing a literature search (nerdy? yes. required? yes.) and i just ended up getting really excited about grad school because i spent time looking at researchers who do work where i want to go to school and who i want to work with. so this post hasn't had much direction, my bad. but it's just been a way for me to get my thoughts out! and to say (in my eternally optimistic way) that things may seem like they are bad, but they will get better.

color me

1. waking up at 6 am benefits: i heard the birds chirping, there was no traffic, and it made me feel like i accomplished a lot. waking up at 6 am drawbacks: starbucks/alpine bagel were not open, the ROTC runners made me feel guilty, and it was cold.
2. did a lot of work today; still not quite caught up but i'm feeling much more optimistic than i was this time last week. tomorrow at 4:45 my weekend starts! then it's spring break!
3. SPRING BREAK!!! countdown: 9 days.

the color of my day today was orange. orange to me in energy and vitality and accomplishments. i felt good today because my adviser announced my summer plans in the lab meeting and i got some "ohhhs" and "ahhhs." good stuff. my days and my moods are always characterized by colors. whether or not i actively think about it or not, looking back on a day i can always figure out what color a day was. and this is why i cannot pick out my clothes the night before. i always dress for my mood and wear whatever fits my mood that day. this is how i see my life--in moods, in colors. my favorite color is yellow, so those days are always the best. but sometimes, a blue day or a red day are just what i need. blue, rightly so, is usually subdued and relaxed, sometimes sad or pensive. red is a "get your ass in gear day." i like those days. they make me feel (hypomanic) and uberproductive and like i can do anything. green days are good too; those are like when i am feeling friendly and helpful and content. pink, oh pink. pink days are glam and sexy and confident. i think wearing pink takes cojones--it's a notice-me color. so pink days are notice-me days. purple...fierce and funky. basically. again, all these are personal for me and how i feel about colors and how they reflect on my life. but i take these motifs and look at other people through these lenses too. i just see the world in full color, and try to live my life the same way. it's about recognizing that not every day is a typically beautiful day, but that every day has inherent beauty. not every color is considered beautiful, but by just being part of the spectrum, they are beautiful. so is this a corny way to end a post? yes, but it's true. i'm thinking (but how can i know?!) that tomorrow is a purple day.

watch out!

1. i actually ate breakfast this morning. unfortunately, it was in the dining hall. gross. 
2. class today wasn't bad; my last class always seems to go really quickly (a huge relief), and my history class is proving more interesting as the weeks progress.
3. did i really just set my alarm for 6 am for tomorrow morning?! ugh...i haven't been up that early since hawaii this summer. but i did stay up that late last weekend...yeesh!

i'm super nervous that just by posting about all my superstitions, they will come not work anymore. so that should tell you what i'm posting about tonight...i am a very superstitious and nervous person! i believe in the cosmic connection (i've talked about this before) and i absolutely believe in jinxing, bad juju, the evil eye and the whole nine yards. i knock on wood anytime anyone says anything that can be jinxed. "oh, you'll do fine on that test!" "there is no way we can lose tonight." "don't worry, i've never wrecked doing this before..." these are all examples of times i furiously knock on wood to appease the cosmic forces at work. it's such a "gotcha!" mentality--you say something is for sure, and the world will show you that nothing is for sure. bad juju may just be a southern thing, but it's a definite cause for concern. you have to be nice to the witchy women or they will juju the hell out of you. meaning, they will make your life miserable! so you better have your gris gris handy to ward off any evil. okay, so this is getting very voodoo very quickly, but really. i am always concerned that things will be jinxed or i will mess up some crazy cosmic balance and get screwed because of it. for example, when i was a little girl, i would never step on the cracks on the ground. like, i'm talking OCD behavior. not even the cracks in the floor tiles in the schools were OK to step on, much less sidewalk cracks. also, blowing all the seeds off of the dandelions was crucial to the success of the rest of my day when i was little. i would get so worried so easily that something bad would happen as a result of me not protecting myself. now that i am typing this out, it seems really weird. i was not a crazyweirdscarymovie kid...just superstitious and slightly OCD. when looking at a cognitive-behavioral model, these go hand-in-hand. i will not bore my readers by going into the basics of this model--just take my word for it that the two concepts are related (a.k.a., they are both reinforcing anxiety-reducing behavior...). one last superstition, i try as hard as possible to stay inside on friday the 13th (really...just ask my friends). and yes, i used to spend a lot of time looking for these...

la da dee, la de daa

1. got new shoes in the mail today! i love them. purple, silver, and white tennis shoes.
2. after falling off the wagon for some of my lent items, i have added them back on. gotta stay strong.
3. very excited about stuff in my school/career life right now!

for all the references to songs that i have sprinkled throughout my posts, it is crazy that i haven't posted yet about music. music=♥ i grew up listening to blues, jazz, and oldies. side note: believe it or not, but i did not like CCR (creedence clearwater revival) for a large portion of my life. crazy, i know. i love louis armstrong, santana, ella fitzgerald, van morrison, the black eyed peas, dr. john, miles davis, U2, joe walsh, enya, CCR, frank sinatra, john lee hooker, vivaldi, lucinda williams, the beatles, rilo kiley, girl talk, beyonce, jack johnson, lil wayne, so so so much more. music is such an outlet in my life and allows me to express my feelings. granted, i do not play any instrument or sing (i would not torture the world) but i can still appreciate music and its capabilities to make my life wonderful. i love the fact that artists and songs have touched so many people's lives. music is so personal and so individual, but can be wildly popular and have an effect on so many different kinds of people. that appeals to me. one song or one band can cross generations, races, social classes, and political views. that kind of unity for people is rare, and the fact that the music industry can create it is intense power. my moods are pretty variable and the songs i listen to always accommodate. i have songs for all my moods and all my activities--the ipod is a great invention.  

for those we...

1. woke up late again, but was more productive today than yesterday. 
2. it was a feast day! yay for eating junk food!
3. bed early tonight. like, really early. i'm thinking 10.

i need to talk tonight about sacrifice. this is a pretty personal topic. sacrifice is really individual and what each of us has done in terms of sacrifice for other people can change dramatically from person to person. i have had so many people sacrifice so much for me. when i think of my all that my parents and my family have done for me, i get so overwhelmed. i don't like to feel indebted to people, so i like to relieve that burden by helping other people. this is a trend in my posts lately, but it's a huge part of who i am. i need to be able to pay back the people in my life who have done so incredibly much for me. and what's hard for me also is not knowing about all the sacrifices that have been made for me for things i don't even realize or know about. how can i ever repay what i don't know about? and the answer to that is by doing similar things for people around me. not similar things, really, but sacrificing for the sake of someone around me just because it's what they need. so that's what i'm going through in my life right now. there are things i rarely sacrifice, like my school and career ambition, but sometimes i have to learn to defer in other parts of my life to do what is best. it's like socialist feelings--feel what is best for the most people. i have to balance my need to live my freakin' life the way i want to live it with needing to realize that other people are affected by how i act and by what choices i make. this has been a bit of a wake-up call. not that i've been running around being selfish and ruining lives, not at all. i just need to remember that choices i make has this inexplicable and unforeseeable effect on people. i have lost my train of thought now. but basically, sacrifice is a big part of my life right now, and it's difficult to deal with. but it's something that needs to happen.

the next item for my list: go on a roadtrip. like a legitimate roadtrip with friends involving not much planning, junky food, amazing music, and beautiful weather.

everyone is doing it

1. woke up laaaaate. like, freshman year late. it felt great.
2. went to the mall with my girls, ate dinner, now just hanging out and seeing where the night will take me. 
3. had a crazy intense dream last night. i love my dreams (usually). i have a few that reoccur relatively often. some are scary, some are great. but i am glad that i remember my dreams.

mistakes. everyone makes them. everyone is affected by their own and others'. some mistakes turn out to be life-changing, others we can't remember the next day that we made them. and while the concept that "everyone makes mistakes" is accepted and understood, it's still hard to deal when other people let you down or do the wrong thing. or when you make a mistake and then have to live with the fallout. everyone has made a mistake that has changed their life (or if you haven't yet, you will). but sometimes when it happens, you don't know the full impact of what has just happened. life has a funny way of revealing surprises later down the road. i'd rather not get specific on this blog, but i've had a few of those mistakes that only later i realized how big of a deal they actually were. or sometimes, when you make a decision and only figure out later how important that decision actually was...those are weird moments. like realizing that a decision while driving saved your life, or a meeting with a professor changed your career. moments like that blow my mind. it's still so crazy to me how much life works out so much of the time. one thing happens and that leads to something else and then another thing, and before you know it the course of your life has changed. and i always think back, what if i hadn't done x, y, or z? where would i be now? thinking about the multiple paths in life has always been hard for me to comprehend. would i end up in the same place in the end, just by different means? who can say, really. i only get "one shot" at this particular life, right? so yeah, this post has turned into a tangent, but that's fine with me. signing off...

why why why

1. had a great day. had lunch with a friend, spent a lot of time replying to important emails, relaxed. i love fridays. went out to dinner, now hanging out with new friends.
2. got two packages today. so exciting. i love packages.
3. did i actually purchase jeans with holes in them? yes, but only because they were originally $80 and i got them for $20. am i a sucker for good deals? yes.

it seems like a growing trend that i don't have much to say on the weekend. maybe when i'm living (alone) this summer, my weekends will be more boring. i think a good subject for tonight is something i have noticed lately...a difference between men and women. while women support their friends "'does this dress look okay on me?' 'yes! are you crazy? everything looks good on you,'" men give their guy friends hell. for everything. "'did you get with that girl?' 'no, man, it didn't work out.' 'ohhh, what a loser!'" "'did you get with that girl?' 'yeah man, she was so hot.' 'ohhh, i can't believe you actually did her. so gross.'" i don't get it. truly, how can guys stand being cut down 24/7?! yes, yes, it's all in jest. but really, my self-esteem would plummet if my girls gave me as much hell as guys give to one another. but maybe, since they all make fun of each other all the time, it has less significance? i don't know. i wish i could figure out what goes through guys' heads. i would make a million dollars. but guys are...simple creatures. so it shouldn't be that hard, right? au contraire. end of story, guys are confusing. yes, girls are crazy, but guys are confusing. i wish everyone could just say what they mean! but then, life would be simple because guys would be simple. and we just can't have that.

let's get this understood

1. class all day today. i had to really drag myself to class today. but of course i went and of course i took notes and of course i contributed. geez. 
2. but i got out of class-related activities around 8:30 and got ready for my night out with friends! it was fun, being with (most) of my girl friends again and having fun. makes me excited for living off campus!
3. so, a confession. i ate alpine bagel three, yes three, times today within a seven hour period. what is wrong with me?! it's like lent starts and i give up all this junk food, so i just overcompensate with alpine bagel. but i don't even care, it was amazing each time. and i'm pretty sure the staff all love me.

so i had this important talk today with one of my lab advisers. grad-student-mentioned-in-last-night's-post and i talked some yesterday about how to approach this meeting. needless to say, it was a delicate meeting. we talked about...my academic career? even though i'm a sophomore? (really, i just wanted to say "i'm 19." and let the awkward silence happen; grad student, this reference is for you). anyway, this is all relatively irrelevant to what i want to talk about tonight, which is that feeling. you know what i mean, that feeling that things are just...going well. i get this sense that my life is on the up-and-up. i know what i want and know that i have the gumption to make this happen. i believe in myself more than ever right now, and i don't even know why! it's just this sense i get that things are dovetailing perfectly. this rarely happens in life, maybe like once or twice for me before this, but it's happening again. and i could be totally wrong? but i'm not. i can feel it in my heart and know in my head that i am doing things right. i am living 2010 how it needs to be lived so far, and i want to stay on this track. i am beyond excited for this summer, for the me time that will last three months. and it's almost spring break, which means my school year is almost over too, which is weirdly exciting. and i'm excited about housing for next year and my friends. this is one of those days when life is extraordinarily beautiful. and that's what this whole blog was about, right? finding the beauty in each day? i want to continue on this path of...being fully myself and loving myself for that.

this life of mine

1. oh you know, did the wednesday thing. GSH (jersey shore fans understand this reference, the uncultured do not). gym, shower, homework. then a few meetings here and there. now back to homework and hopefully going to bed early! 
2. had a talk with a grad student from one of my labs. we talked about a lot of stuff. please, read on to hear more about it...
3. this is one of those days like i mentioned in my first post (http://livinglife2010.blogspot.com/2010/01/beginning.html). there just isn't that much to say about the day-to-day life on a wednesday (usually). 

a theme in the conversation i had today with aforementioned grad student was about how to balance different professional paths. i have, for the longest time, wanted to help people. i guess it's called "a calling" but it's just something that has always been a part of me. i have to help people how people in my life have helped me. so another thing i have wanted is to be famous. not necessarily famous but...i want people to know my name. so the obvious juncture of these two wants is to do good things in this world that make me well-known. now, how to go about doing this is a different story. i want to say more and be more specific, but i can't. however most of you readers know enough about me to have a general idea of what my major is, what i want to do when i grow up, etc. so what can i do with this life of mine that makes me happy? all the things i want...i just feel this urge to be all i can be and to live my life to the absolute tip top. how can i maximize the good that i do in this world? questions like this are always on my mind, to some degree or another. more specifically what we talked about today was how to take the hard reality of life and meld it with lofty academic research world. i want my name in print, i want to change my field; but i also want to reach out to the people who are suffering and offer any guidance i can. i haven't been able to make it where i am without people reaching out to me, so how can i offer that same help to other people dealing with life? it's just all so confusing now. i know what i want...but how to get there? how to be all i can be? man, don't we all wish we knew the answer to that question. i want to repay the people in my life by being that person for someone else. i wish this didn't all sound so abstract, but i can't really get specific in this blog. and i feel like i've been rambling and repeating myself. but the basic points: i want to be great. i want to help people. how do i mesh the two in this convoluted world?

life=hard

1. sometimes, life is hard. thus, blogging is hard. there are things i want to say, but can't. the fact that this is online and public makes it a little harder...sometimes i just want privacy. but hey, i started this blog and i will finish it. some days are just harder than others. there are things i want to scream and say but i can't. there are things i want to cry about and ask for sympathy but i can't.
2. class was pretty painless today. and it was mardi gras, so i got to wear purple, green, and gold! but i'm jst tired. i need to sleep and recover my normal thought process.
3. lent starts tomorrow--giving up candy, cookies, ice cream, and soda (not that i drink that much...). so basically i'm giving up the stuff that is bad for me. this list may be added to at some point, but i'm not sure yet. we'll see as lent progresses if i want to be more ambitious--but this list suffices for now. 

i guess i have one thing to talk about, which i mentioned above. i'm struggling with wanting to just spill out my life details on this blog, but there is so much i can't say. i have people who read it and those people (no one, actually) needs to know the minute details of my life. but it's been getting difficult lately to manage keeping my privacy and anonymity and still sharing with the online world like i wanted to do when i started this blog. and i know some of my readers will want me to stop blogging, especially if this is starting to cause me some minor stress. but these same readers know how stubborn and dedicated i am--i will follow through. and i will continue to blog until december 31st of this year. isn't that weird? i will have blogged every day of the entire year of 2010. so i need to reiterate to myself that every day is a beautiful day, at least in some way. i need to remember why i'm writing this blog--so that's what i'm doing tonight. reinforcing my mission, almost 1.5 months into this year...

ain't no sunshine

1. wished every second of today that i was back in hawaii. 
2. it rained all day which matched perfectly my mood.
3. booked my spring break trip (the only real high point).

not a good night. not much to say. i guess this had colored my views of how my day actually was (it was pretty good). i just...i guess...want to talk about life. and how confusing and complicated it is and always will be. when people say "life doesn't have to be hard," they are very wrong. people are incredibly complicated and confusing, so life is thus that way too. i was just writing this post and looked up and saw my card that says "fly." i guess that's what i'm needing to do right now...just fly. please have faith in me.

"love stinks"

1. i love waking up at noon. and hate those heart-shaped chocolate boxes with mystery chocolates.
2. so yes, it was valentine's day and i ate frozen food for dinner (alone), watched youtube videos and ate half a pint of ben & jerry's (alone), and did homework (alone). that's my kind of day!
3. but really, i enjoy beautiful, chilly days and days when i can regroup and get "me time." today combined both of those, so i am content.

despite all my hating on valentine's day, this has been a surprisingly mild day. i'm happy for all my friends who are happy either in relationships or single, and i'm grateful for my friends and family who make me feel loved every day, and not just on one day! but i promised some stories about valentine's day memories. my worst valentine's day ever was my junior year of high school. it was my boyfriend-at-the-time's first valentine's day with me and we wanted it to be special (ugh). so we went to a new restaurant and had a nice time..until he got food poisoning. it was awful. i spent the rest of the night trying to make him feel better until i had to go home to meet curfew. oh, did i mention that it wasn't even on valentine's day because he had practice after school? i was deferred for sports practice, yes indeed. but to give some credit, they were state champions. needless to say, it was not a fun night. one year, in seventh grade, i was dating a guy and he got me a huge stuffed white teddy bear, a silver ring, flowers, and a balloon. it was a little bit of overkill, i'm not going to lie, especially since i had to walk to the school office to get all my stuff. embarrassing. another time, in elementary school (please see previous post), a boy gave me a bouquet of flowers from our playground flower beds and said "will you be mine?". okay, what happened to those days of innocent little kid love? of course i said yes. so those are my short stories of loves come and gone. hopefully i won't be a valentine's day curmudgeon for the rest of my life...but i know i will. love to all those who read my blog, speaking of love.

get floor seats at an [unnamed team] vs. [unnamed team] basketball game.