organizing life

1. cleaned/organized/moved my uncle into his new house for 9 hours straight today. i am a cleaning goddess. and am now in the order of st. yaya. 
2. that's pretty much all i did today. oh, i watched the season premier of america's next top model. 
3. seeing friends tonight. yay!

i have a lot to say, but i'm not sure how to word it yet. and i'm also in a hurry to leave. so i may save this post for tomorrow because i have all day to do nothing (except homework and sleep in). and i want to sleep on this some (actually, i just want to sleep a lot) and figure out all the thoughts in my head right now. so i'll get back to this tomorrow night. but it will be about...new beginnings, organization, well-being, and perspective. giggity.

not much, you?

1. went snowboarding again today.
2. went to a yummy (but slightly dangerous) indian restaurant for dinner.
3. went to a beautiful overlook of the city outside my hometown at night.

not much to say tonight. but how about you? i recommend that everyone say what they want to say to whomever they want to say it. life is short (so short, so short) and things need to be said. so if you are reading this blog and feeling something you haven't verbalized, for whatever reason, take tomorrow to do just that.

reading

1. had a looong day of traveling yesterday. finally got in to the apartment at 12:30 last night and passed out. for a night of real sleep!
2. drove back home today and did a happy jig and yelled "home, sweet home" when i got in the driveway. ran around my house and giggled and played with my kitty and smiled a lot.
3. had delicious home-cooked food tonight--it was my uncle's birthday! and that meant red velvet cake with cream cheese icing. mmmmm...

i love to read! books are my escape. my mom read to me in the womb and i've been addicted ever since. my favorite books when i was little were "are you my mother?" "goodnight moon" "the very hungry caterpillar" "six by seuss" and lots of fairy tales, legends, and poetry. i started to love fantasy and historical fiction almost from the beginning; our bookshelves at home are filled with every imaginable title in these genres. my parents both love to read, as does my sister, and we all just read books on the weekends or at night; rarely did we have game night or movie night. and i thank books for my creativity, verbal intelligence, and imagination. my imagination...that needs to be tomorrow night's post. anyway, i love to read, even now. probably even more now, actually, since college definitely restricts my leisurely reading time. yet another reason i want to live alone: so i can read all summer, every evening and every weekend. books opened my eyes to so many new worlds and possibilities. i started to live lives that i knew weren't possible to live: as a princess, a witch, a badger, a tree, the roles are endless. and living those lives enabled me to imagine any life for myself. books strengthened my independence and gave me the freedom to picture myself doing anything. are you getting a sense as to why i love fantasy books? but historical fiction, such a different story (pun intended? yes.) because the books are framed around historical events, but fictionalized and woven to make for a fascinating story that actually could have happened (who really know, right?). it's like living in the past, which is something i can never do, but have always wanted to do. on that note, i'm going to search for new historical fiction books that i can read this summer. yay! and maybe find a new fantasy series for this summer too...

it's early

1. so it's really early in the morning here in boulder, well, like, 10:29, but i have to blog right now because i'll be traveling all day and don't have access to a computer.
2. i'm sad my break is ending but i'm excited to go home!
3. i hope all my flights go well...and that i land safely and on time later tonight...

so i don't have much to say right now since i just woke up. and i've already blogged about sleep. but that's okay. i guess i can talk about new experiences. this trip, like i said a few days ago, has given me several new experiences. i flew all by myself and that was exciting/nerve wracking. any mistake i made was on my shoulders, but it also made me feel really grown up. colorado is the farthest west i've been in the continental united states (except the LAX airport for, like, an hour). it is beautiful in such a different way than the beauty i'm used to at home. and snowboarding out west has been incredible! i can't wait to come back and hit all these slopes. i'm so jealous that my friends live out here and get to do this every weekend from october-june (for a-basin, anyway). and i met so many new people and they all have such a different vibe than most other people i've met in my life. but i liked hanging out with different people and getting to experience life through boulder's eyes. as my mom told me, i have a "rocky mountain high." and now i'm about to come down from that high, but i'll remember it and i'll revisit it throughout my life. this is what i hiked yesterday...

almost there

1. went on an amazing hike today. the scenery was beautiful (of course) and the people were fun. i just felt, like, so happy.
2. watching the oscars right now! i love movies.
3. i almost forgot to blog on time because the time zone difference keeps throwing me off.

i don't have much to say tonight. i feel like anything i do say will just be repeating myself from the past few nights about how happy i am in boulder and how happy i am to be on spring break. but i guess, basically, i just love my life and my friends and i'm so grateful for...everything. the good days and the bad--they're all beautiful. i knew at the beginning of this year that 2010 would treat me well, and so far i'm right. there is just one part of my life not quite where i want it to be, but i'm trying to have faith that it will all work out. it's hard. really hard. but things will work out in the end, however long the end takes to get here.

get a reading from a psychic.

snow bunny

1. went snowboarding today at keystone and it was amazing. i've never boarded anything like that mountain before. and now i'm addicted.
2. getting ready for a good night.
3. i'm so excited that i got to start my break with my friend in boulder and then i get to go home and do that whole scene. it should be a good break from school.

today, i had some amazing time on the slopes. it was so exhilirating and indescribable. the last few runs just felt so good, i can't even believe. and the people i boarded with get to experience this whenever they want. it's crazy how much they take advantage of the beauty. i would just stop sometimes, spellbound by my surroundings, and try to point out to them why i was so happy. but they just seemed like it was second nature. the rockies covered in snow are...breathtaking. and it's just hard to put into words how the experience made me feel. it was so pure and i felt so connected to everything around me. it just really made me feel alive. it was something different than anything else i've felt. and it just made me so appreciative and so humbled. i felt peaceful and excited all at once. i am really having difficulty eloquently expressing how i felt out there today, but what's important i guess is that i know how it feels and i am able to keep that feeling with me. sorry for the short post again; i was hoping i could make it more in-depth, but i think short and sweet works for now. and plus, i'm on vacation anyway.

simply wonderful

1. SPRING BREAK!!!
2. SPRING BREAK!!!
3. SPRING BREAK!!!

that's really all these is to say. i am on spring break. i did two things today that i've never done before! i flew all by myself, and am in colorado! it's so exciting. boulder=beautiful. the vibe in this town is ridiculously chill and reminds me so much of the city near my hometown. sometimes i forget when i'm in college how much i love the area i'm from...the mountains will always call to me. but this place, these rockies, are a totally new kind of beauty. they are stark and formidable and barren and snowy and beautiful. i am just in the most amazing mood right now. something about this place and being with one of my besties from home is perfect. and this night will be SO FUN and boarding tomorrow will be SO FUN. and i'm here through monday (YAY). then, back to my hometown for family time and home time. then the second half of the semester, then summer. the best season ever. so yeah, right now, i'm basically just "simply wonderful."

safety

1. had three classes today; it felt amazing. it was a beautiful day here; i love gorgeous weather. i had a great night; spring break has started!
2. i woke up at 7:15 to do laundry this morning. i'm so dedicated (actually, i was just out of clothes, so i had no choice). that wasn't fun...
3. i talked to the grad student from the lab where i'll be working this summer. i'm SO excited! we got some more specifics figured out, and i'm going to start looking for housing when i'm home over break.

i am flying tomorrow. isn't it ironic that my mantra is "to fly," yet i'm pretty uncomfortable with flying in a plane. i just always feel so sure that something is going to go wrong and i will surely die. i know that the rates of car crash death are way more than plane crash death, but i can't help but think that if something does go wrong on that plane, my chances of survival are way smaller. and i don't mean for this post to be morbid, but i just think about it a lot before i fly. or travel long distances. but i never think about it when just driving around campus or around my hometown, even though that's when your chances of getting in a car wreck are highest. sometimes i can feel safe, though. i spend a fair amount of my time worried about dying young. but when i worry about this, i try to be rational and think statistically and remind myself that i most likely will live to an old age. but even as i'm typing these words, i am gripped with fear. a fear that i won't live out my potential. and what if i do get in a plane crash or a car wreck or something falls on me from the sky? then what? there is so much i haven't said and so much i haven't done. i'm just terrified. i mean, no one actually thinks that their plane is going to be the one to crash. but think about the people who are on those planes that do crash. i can't even imagine. but i need to remember my safety nets. i feel safe when i think about certain people or certain situations. so hopefully i can remember these people and situations and feel better when i'm lifting off tomorrow. let's fly.

funny how things happen

1. i love it when the whole laundry room isn't functioning because the main service box is "out of service." especially when i no longer have underwear or pants, and refuse to wear leggings as pants. thanks, dorm!
2. i dropped library science today. it felt great! that class was so stupid and i didn't care about it at all. first time that has happened to me in college.
3. spring break is so close, so close. and i am going to have the best time ever. and then i get to see my family and spend time with them in my beautiful hometown. and play with my cat! yay for spring break and the semester being half over.

the timing of life never ceases to surprise me. i got an email today from my church's listserve informing me that the service for sunday has changed and will be "a very different kind of 'Episcopal' service than normal." while this may seem insignificant to many, it's a big deal for me. i can't really explain it...but it's like as soon as i accuse organized religion of being rigid and imperfect, i get this message that it can be flexible and the innate beauty i used to see in church services can be brought forth again. and i very much appreciate the comment on my post from last night--humans cannot comprehend the mind of God. how very true. we all try to, but i feel like i question and judge and wonder even more than normal. that's hard to say for sure, but it's how i feel. but these two things have helped reinforce my faith, even if in small ways. like i said, faith is enormously personal and what is significant to me may not be important to anyone else. but i always look for signs in every aspect of my life. to me, these are signs that i am not alone and that some being is laughing at the dramatic irony. also, as soon as i started to feel uber confident about my work in the two labs, something happened that immediately grounded me and served as a sort of reality check. i am not perfect. this blog has given me a new mantra, "to fly," and while "i am not perfect" isn't a mantra, it's a good thing for me to remember. this life, i love how it just works.

"belief is a beautiful armor"

1. had class all day; it was pretty cold here but the rain/sleet/snow didn't start until evening, so that was a plus. but still, i just want sunshine and snow (spring break!) and sunshine and warm weather (this summer!).
2. saw the original manchurian candidate tonight for my history class. really good movie. made me think back to my post about the military and psychology and ethics.
3. i just want to sleep, for hours and hours and hours. that, and i want to wake up in hawaii. 

this is a really hard post for me. it's hard to admit that i am struggling with something i was raised to believe in. but then again, i think this is what people do, or attempt to do--question. i am a cradle episcopalian, meaning i was born and raised in the episcopal church. and i love my church family and i love how i was raised and the people i met through youth council and conferences. and i love the strength and the clarity my faith has given me. although i don't go to church now, and don't even know if i still identify with any set of beliefs, i just have this feeling inside me that some being is with me, helping me and protecting me. and when i am weak, their is a strength that comes to me. but i have a lot of issue with being told that i need to feel that presence in a church. don't get me wrong, i love the feeling that church gives me. the ritual and the ceremony brings me a peace that is unmatched in almost any other capacity. but i can feel that alone on the top of haleakala, or on the beach, or standing in the sunshine, or watching the rain. notice how those examples all dealt with nature. but what is most important to me right now is finding out who i am. and i have always been defined, in large part, by my religion. but i am struggling to keep that part of me alive. i don't go to church in college, i don't even really pray, except by just having conversations with myself. but as much as i feel cynical about organized religion, i feel this urge to have faith. i see religion and faith as two very separate, but related, concepts. i have faith in a higher power. while i have always struggled with the fundamental question "does God exist?", it has only helped me even more to explore what this life is about. there won't always be someone there for me, so i need to learn to rely on myself. but i also know that i have someone or something there for me. but then i hear the nagging voice wondering what happens if i'm wrong. isn't religion just a human creation based on a need to believe that this ephemeral life isn't all there is for us? or do religions stem from actual deities who spread their word among mortals? and this is a question i don't think anyone really has the ability to truly answer, though each person can answer for his/herself. but religion and faith...religion was born from a need to share faith with others. but what is so wrong with everyone believing in his/her own higher power? why the wars and killings and hate over which religion is right and which is wrong? and why the inability to separate religion from every aspect of life (government, relationships, the workplace, etc.)? it's because religion is a creation of humans. whether or not it's based in truth is a question i cannot answer, but organized religion is imperfect simply because humans are imperfect. i have accepted that. what is more difficult for me is figuring out where i fit in on this issue, and how decisions i make will affect others in my life (namely my husband and my children). but i think that's what these years (and this life) are all about--figuring out where i fit in the beautiful mess.

how sweet it is

1. good day! went on a recruiting adventure, had a fun meeting, and did homework. it was a beautiful day and spring break is almost here...friday, please come sooner.
2. the bachelor season finale was tonight. fml, he chose the wrong girl. america hates him and i hope he knows it...stupid jake and vienna. 
3. some of the work just got finished, but more was piled on. isn't that how hell week before spring break always is...oh well.

this episode of the bachelor has made me so cynical about love. he chose the wrong girl! everyone knows it! isn't it so frustrating when everyone can see that two people are wrong for each other, but the people involved can't see it. that's how i feel about this episode, as well as about other people in my life not directly involved with me but still connected to me. hindsight is 20/20 and i also think that the input of those around someone is incredibly valuable. the good friends and family will always be honest, yet tactful. allowing one to live life and experience mistakes and failure, but be there when the dust settles. so there is a lot to say about love. there is family love, friendship love, romantic love, sexual love, just to name a few. and the important relationships in my life are each characterized  by one or more types of love. but the whole reason i'm writing this post is almost as a tribute to the unique and enduring love my parents have shared. me talking about my loving relationships with other people can wait, or not be said at all. i'll have to see how i feel about it later. anyway, my parents have shaped so much how i think about love and how i think a marriage should be. and i know that everyone is shaped by their parents' marriage or divorce or absence. sometimes, i was afraid my parents would get divorced when i was little. i saw them fighting and loved each one so much that i was always confused when they fought and were upset with one another. but my sister calmly explained to me something that changed my perception of my parents' relationship (granted, it took some time). she told me that they would never get divorced and would always be together because neither could be with anyone else. it's so true, too. my dad and mom would not be happy with anyone else. they are just...so exactly what the other person needs. when my dad is stubborn and irate, my mom just rolls her eyes and points out his flawed logic and brings out the steely resolve that she has too. my mom always claimed i got my stubbornness from my dad, but really, she is just as stubborn, she is just more accepting of change than me and dad. anyway, when my mom is nagging and relentless, my dad can just tell her to stop being so overbearing and calm down. my parents need their alone time too, and both respect that. we were never a family that spent every minute together, not by any means. but we all worked and i think it's because they worked. they both taught me the value of independence--it is now one of the most important things to me and one of the most important things i preserve about myself. but back to the story, my parents love each other more than i thought possible, and it's taken me growing up to see that they truly couldn't be without one another and be happy. it's just how they function. they have made me believe in love. and them spending 30 years married is incredible to me. and raising two daughters during that time and going through so much together, i can't even imagine the difficulty. but their love and their bond has pulled them through and will keep pulling them through for the gold and diamond anniversaries. i'm not trying to paint a picture of their relationship being perfect, because it's not by any means. but it works. and in today's society, to me, that is a miracle every day.

not enough time

1. had a great weekend. end of story. so much fun. i love college.
2. had a delicious dinner at carrabba's tonight.
3. the bachelor season finale is tomorrow night!!!

so there isn't time enough tonight to talk about what i want to, so i'm going to lead into my posts for the next two days. tomorrow night i am going to talk about love/marriage in honor of my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. and tuesday night (barring any significant triggers) i am going to talk about religion and faith. these next two posts are ones that i am excited about and want to spend some time on. they'll also help break the pattern i get in to on weekends of not blogging that much. so yeah, tonight i don't have much to say really! or i do, but i don't have nearly enough time to talk about religion and faith tonight. so i hope everyone reading this has a great week! it's almost spring break for me, so yay! and it's almost summer for everyone else...yay! in honor of being excited about summer, a picture from my trip last summer to hawaii!

one thing i want to do...travel to egypt and greece.

blog

1. stayed up late, slept not that late (unfortunately). went shopping with my friends, bought a snowboard bag, edited the poster abstract.
2. about to go out, i love college, yay!
3. again, i don't have that much to say today! but it's still been a good day.

i don't have that much to say tonight! i'm just in a really good mood and happy that i'm around my friends. i'm also hanging out with friends from last year tonight, which is good. so yeah, life is going well. let's hope it continues. i guess tonight it just a night to be thankful. i'm thankful for all the good in my life right now.

i get by

1. great day--read a good book, wrote up some stuff for school, went to lunch and had an amazing with my grad student friend. 
2. it was cold and beautiful (one of those days i really love).
3. went out tonight with my friends, old and new. it was so much fun.

so i've blogged a lot about my friends and how much people in my life mean to me. but this is a different kind of post. it's similar to one of my previous posts about how random people can end up being so significant in my life. during the lunch talk today, we talked about how decisions can change people's lives without even knowing it. how is it that so many people have and will continue to impact my life? i guess this post is about how relationships change people. so this is an obvious statement, right? like, duh, C, people change other people's lives. but think about how many people had to make each specific decision in their lives to end up in yours. and then think about how all of these people will have impacts on your life. and when someone new enters one's life, it's hard to judge how that person will affect one's current path in life. but one thing is for sure: you never know when your life will change (at every second of every day), nor do you know why it is changing. and that is enough to think about for a lifetime.

momentum

1. looooong day today. class all day and then a meeting from 7-10:15. yikes.
2. but about to go out now! let's relieve all the stress from this week by hanging out with my girls. more than looking forward to this weekend, too.
3. SUPER EXCITING NEWS! but it's not like i can actually talk about it here. if interested, get in touch with me and i'll share. 

isn't it weird how feelings work in spirals? one week can be REALLY bad, but then the next can be REALLY good. i've always wondered whether it's a function of how people tend to perceive one day, and then they let that carry on to the rest of the week, or the days in a week really are just all similar. but i've been having one of the good momentum pushes lately. and today, when it had started to wear off (stress, headache, homework, etc.), it all of a sudden got WAY better. so now i am confused. maybe it's just a pattern that i'm noticing because i'm living in the moment right now. this could just be my experience. but isn't that what this blog is about? tangent, sorry. anyway! i'm really excited and i spent a majority of my night doing a literature search (nerdy? yes. required? yes.) and i just ended up getting really excited about grad school because i spent time looking at researchers who do work where i want to go to school and who i want to work with. so this post hasn't had much direction, my bad. but it's just been a way for me to get my thoughts out! and to say (in my eternally optimistic way) that things may seem like they are bad, but they will get better.

color me

1. waking up at 6 am benefits: i heard the birds chirping, there was no traffic, and it made me feel like i accomplished a lot. waking up at 6 am drawbacks: starbucks/alpine bagel were not open, the ROTC runners made me feel guilty, and it was cold.
2. did a lot of work today; still not quite caught up but i'm feeling much more optimistic than i was this time last week. tomorrow at 4:45 my weekend starts! then it's spring break!
3. SPRING BREAK!!! countdown: 9 days.

the color of my day today was orange. orange to me in energy and vitality and accomplishments. i felt good today because my adviser announced my summer plans in the lab meeting and i got some "ohhhs" and "ahhhs." good stuff. my days and my moods are always characterized by colors. whether or not i actively think about it or not, looking back on a day i can always figure out what color a day was. and this is why i cannot pick out my clothes the night before. i always dress for my mood and wear whatever fits my mood that day. this is how i see my life--in moods, in colors. my favorite color is yellow, so those days are always the best. but sometimes, a blue day or a red day are just what i need. blue, rightly so, is usually subdued and relaxed, sometimes sad or pensive. red is a "get your ass in gear day." i like those days. they make me feel (hypomanic) and uberproductive and like i can do anything. green days are good too; those are like when i am feeling friendly and helpful and content. pink, oh pink. pink days are glam and sexy and confident. i think wearing pink takes cojones--it's a notice-me color. so pink days are notice-me days. purple...fierce and funky. basically. again, all these are personal for me and how i feel about colors and how they reflect on my life. but i take these motifs and look at other people through these lenses too. i just see the world in full color, and try to live my life the same way. it's about recognizing that not every day is a typically beautiful day, but that every day has inherent beauty. not every color is considered beautiful, but by just being part of the spectrum, they are beautiful. so is this a corny way to end a post? yes, but it's true. i'm thinking (but how can i know?!) that tomorrow is a purple day.

watch out!

1. i actually ate breakfast this morning. unfortunately, it was in the dining hall. gross. 
2. class today wasn't bad; my last class always seems to go really quickly (a huge relief), and my history class is proving more interesting as the weeks progress.
3. did i really just set my alarm for 6 am for tomorrow morning?! ugh...i haven't been up that early since hawaii this summer. but i did stay up that late last weekend...yeesh!

i'm super nervous that just by posting about all my superstitions, they will come not work anymore. so that should tell you what i'm posting about tonight...i am a very superstitious and nervous person! i believe in the cosmic connection (i've talked about this before) and i absolutely believe in jinxing, bad juju, the evil eye and the whole nine yards. i knock on wood anytime anyone says anything that can be jinxed. "oh, you'll do fine on that test!" "there is no way we can lose tonight." "don't worry, i've never wrecked doing this before..." these are all examples of times i furiously knock on wood to appease the cosmic forces at work. it's such a "gotcha!" mentality--you say something is for sure, and the world will show you that nothing is for sure. bad juju may just be a southern thing, but it's a definite cause for concern. you have to be nice to the witchy women or they will juju the hell out of you. meaning, they will make your life miserable! so you better have your gris gris handy to ward off any evil. okay, so this is getting very voodoo very quickly, but really. i am always concerned that things will be jinxed or i will mess up some crazy cosmic balance and get screwed because of it. for example, when i was a little girl, i would never step on the cracks on the ground. like, i'm talking OCD behavior. not even the cracks in the floor tiles in the schools were OK to step on, much less sidewalk cracks. also, blowing all the seeds off of the dandelions was crucial to the success of the rest of my day when i was little. i would get so worried so easily that something bad would happen as a result of me not protecting myself. now that i am typing this out, it seems really weird. i was not a crazyweirdscarymovie kid...just superstitious and slightly OCD. when looking at a cognitive-behavioral model, these go hand-in-hand. i will not bore my readers by going into the basics of this model--just take my word for it that the two concepts are related (a.k.a., they are both reinforcing anxiety-reducing behavior...). one last superstition, i try as hard as possible to stay inside on friday the 13th (really...just ask my friends). and yes, i used to spend a lot of time looking for these...

la da dee, la de daa

1. got new shoes in the mail today! i love them. purple, silver, and white tennis shoes.
2. after falling off the wagon for some of my lent items, i have added them back on. gotta stay strong.
3. very excited about stuff in my school/career life right now!

for all the references to songs that i have sprinkled throughout my posts, it is crazy that i haven't posted yet about music. music=♥ i grew up listening to blues, jazz, and oldies. side note: believe it or not, but i did not like CCR (creedence clearwater revival) for a large portion of my life. crazy, i know. i love louis armstrong, santana, ella fitzgerald, van morrison, the black eyed peas, dr. john, miles davis, U2, joe walsh, enya, CCR, frank sinatra, john lee hooker, vivaldi, lucinda williams, the beatles, rilo kiley, girl talk, beyonce, jack johnson, lil wayne, so so so much more. music is such an outlet in my life and allows me to express my feelings. granted, i do not play any instrument or sing (i would not torture the world) but i can still appreciate music and its capabilities to make my life wonderful. i love the fact that artists and songs have touched so many people's lives. music is so personal and so individual, but can be wildly popular and have an effect on so many different kinds of people. that appeals to me. one song or one band can cross generations, races, social classes, and political views. that kind of unity for people is rare, and the fact that the music industry can create it is intense power. my moods are pretty variable and the songs i listen to always accommodate. i have songs for all my moods and all my activities--the ipod is a great invention.  

for those we...

1. woke up late again, but was more productive today than yesterday. 
2. it was a feast day! yay for eating junk food!
3. bed early tonight. like, really early. i'm thinking 10.

i need to talk tonight about sacrifice. this is a pretty personal topic. sacrifice is really individual and what each of us has done in terms of sacrifice for other people can change dramatically from person to person. i have had so many people sacrifice so much for me. when i think of my all that my parents and my family have done for me, i get so overwhelmed. i don't like to feel indebted to people, so i like to relieve that burden by helping other people. this is a trend in my posts lately, but it's a huge part of who i am. i need to be able to pay back the people in my life who have done so incredibly much for me. and what's hard for me also is not knowing about all the sacrifices that have been made for me for things i don't even realize or know about. how can i ever repay what i don't know about? and the answer to that is by doing similar things for people around me. not similar things, really, but sacrificing for the sake of someone around me just because it's what they need. so that's what i'm going through in my life right now. there are things i rarely sacrifice, like my school and career ambition, but sometimes i have to learn to defer in other parts of my life to do what is best. it's like socialist feelings--feel what is best for the most people. i have to balance my need to live my freakin' life the way i want to live it with needing to realize that other people are affected by how i act and by what choices i make. this has been a bit of a wake-up call. not that i've been running around being selfish and ruining lives, not at all. i just need to remember that choices i make has this inexplicable and unforeseeable effect on people. i have lost my train of thought now. but basically, sacrifice is a big part of my life right now, and it's difficult to deal with. but it's something that needs to happen.

the next item for my list: go on a roadtrip. like a legitimate roadtrip with friends involving not much planning, junky food, amazing music, and beautiful weather.

everyone is doing it

1. woke up laaaaate. like, freshman year late. it felt great.
2. went to the mall with my girls, ate dinner, now just hanging out and seeing where the night will take me. 
3. had a crazy intense dream last night. i love my dreams (usually). i have a few that reoccur relatively often. some are scary, some are great. but i am glad that i remember my dreams.

mistakes. everyone makes them. everyone is affected by their own and others'. some mistakes turn out to be life-changing, others we can't remember the next day that we made them. and while the concept that "everyone makes mistakes" is accepted and understood, it's still hard to deal when other people let you down or do the wrong thing. or when you make a mistake and then have to live with the fallout. everyone has made a mistake that has changed their life (or if you haven't yet, you will). but sometimes when it happens, you don't know the full impact of what has just happened. life has a funny way of revealing surprises later down the road. i'd rather not get specific on this blog, but i've had a few of those mistakes that only later i realized how big of a deal they actually were. or sometimes, when you make a decision and only figure out later how important that decision actually was...those are weird moments. like realizing that a decision while driving saved your life, or a meeting with a professor changed your career. moments like that blow my mind. it's still so crazy to me how much life works out so much of the time. one thing happens and that leads to something else and then another thing, and before you know it the course of your life has changed. and i always think back, what if i hadn't done x, y, or z? where would i be now? thinking about the multiple paths in life has always been hard for me to comprehend. would i end up in the same place in the end, just by different means? who can say, really. i only get "one shot" at this particular life, right? so yeah, this post has turned into a tangent, but that's fine with me. signing off...