diamonds are forever

1. girls, this one is for y'all.
2. great day--no classes and a beautiful, slightly chilly day. 
3. i'm so tired right now, though, from last night. 

i'm stubborn and that's the end of it. i'll feel what to feel, do what i want to do, and act how i want to act. all those of conditions have constraints, but they still usually hold true. i have intense empathy and concern for other people, especially those close to me. i will feel what others feel. i've always been this way, and nothing about those two facets of my personality will change.

99 problems

1. classes today, weekend started at 4:45!
2. it rained--thank the lord! the pollen has finally disappeared. 
3. my night was so much fun! love to all my girls.

i got 99 problems, and they all...nothing! i'm happy right now, but exhausted. my only topic for tonight is that it's my 99th post--how exciting! and what a fortuitous number. i'm excited that i've made it this far and i'm excited to reach 100, and then finally, 365! what the year holds in store, i cannot say, but i'm more ready for it than ever.

bob caldwell

1. did some work today, but also relaxed some. it was a pretty good day overall. life=love right now.
2. that's not to say that my life isn't stressful! it just seems that i'm learning to take the good with the bad. i'm trying to stress less and have more fun. 
3. my decision of the day: have a really fun and still productive weekend! classes are coming down to the wire, so i need to stay focused on making dean's list (can't break the record!).

why is it that the weatherman is always wrong? has anyone else experienced this, or was it just the weatherman in my hometown? the art of telling the weather is so imprecise, so random...seems like a pretty easy job! i know that it's actually pretty hard and involves a lot of math and science, but still. can't they get it right every once in awhile?! i mean, i can just look outside and see what it's doing that minute...i need to know what it's going to be doing tomorrow (accurately, please)! so that's my rant about the weather. and i'm grumpy because it's supposed to be 83 and 30% chance of t-storms tomorrow--a.k.a. hot and humid. gross. i like the mean girls approach to weather "there's a 30% chance that it's already raining."

out of this world

1. classes today, back in the swing of things! but only for another month...then i become a junior. yikes!
2. saw a really great movie for my history class tonight, the lives of others. it won best foreign film in 2007 (rightly so) and was really well done. but sad!
3. today's weather was beautiful! i can even handle all the pollen since the sunshine and heat is a welcome change from the rainy misery of winter.

i want to go to outer space, but i hate flying. i feel like this is a problem. the two things i was always fascinated with as a child: thunderstorms and stars. the first i will save for another post, but the second i will talk about tonight. have you ever seen that movie, october sky? i watched it in almost every science class i ever took in middle and high school, and i always empathized with the kid. he just wanted to go into space. or make rockets. anyway. i want to just wish my way onto the moon and see how the earth looks from outer space. really think about it...wouldn't that be one of the coolest things on the planet (or off it...ha ha ha, get it?)?! to see the galaxy we live in from a whole different perspective...talk about getting a new lease on life. the stars are beautiful at my house and i can't see them that well at school. it's a sad sight to see a blank sky night after night when i was used to seeing diamonds in the sky (sans lucy). but i'm just hopeful that an easier way to travel into outer space will come along before my life ends. also, i hope they can make the flight a little easier. if i already don't like to fly in an airplane, imagine how a space shuttle will make me feel. eek! but perhaps i could overcome that (intense) fear of (horribly painful) death and fly to the outer realms of the galaxy. how beautiful would that be...

randomness

1. drove back to school today. it was bittersweet; i was sad to leave my beautiful home but happy to return to chapel hill.
2. finished up my paper today and did some other random homework. 
3. i'm excited for this week and this weekend! and it's only monday...

so much of life is random. i am starting to like how the itty bitty things in life can be just as earth-shaking as the big events. we talked in my roman art class about what we would put on our funery reliefs (basically, the pictures that go on the side of our sarcophagus). anyway, we all mentioned the big events like graduation, marriage, job, children, grandchildren, death, but none of us mentioned the small things in life. like what about the person you met on the street one day who possibly changed your life? or the part-time job you had that gave you a new career choice? or the meeting with a professor that changed your academic life? these things are all so random and seemingly insignificant, but they have profound impacts on our lives, just like the big events. it's important for us to remember this as we walk through our lives, day after day, year after year. what is happening now may seem hugely important, or not important at all, but will most definitely affect the future in some way. oh, and i'm slowly learning to fly...and loving it.

ascension

1. happy easter!!!
2. beautiful service, delicious brunch, relaxing day. what a wonderful weekend i've had. 
3. back to school tomorrow; i've even been semi-productive and written a paper while home. 

i am all written out. this paper has sucked out all my energy. but i am almost finished with it, and i need to get sleep for the long drive back to school tomorrow. i am at the point now where it's getting more difficult not to repeat myself in my blog topics. even so, i know that lately i have had some failings of blog posts, especially on the weekends. so i'm going to try to do better! the easter season is about celebration and redemption, so that's what i should focus on tonight. i'm celebrating my family and the love i have for them. and i am also celebrating the love that my church family has for me and all the support they gave me as i grew up those 18 years in the church. i was blessed to have the experiences that i did in my church. it gave me something to hold onto when i was scared or doubting. my faith came to be represented by those church memories. as a kid, it's hard to know what religion is all about or why people need it so much. well, that's not so for some kids i guess, but it was true for me. i just knew parts of the book of common prayer by heart and knew the words that the rector would say every sunday--i still know those things today. i used to want to be a preacher so that i could heal people. but i have found a way of healing that suits me more, though the appeal of being a preacher is still there. but that is not a possibility anymore. and i didn't want any of the other stuff, just to lead services and talk to people. so it looks like i found another way to fill that need. but i can't imagine my life without the church, and thus find it hard to leave it behind. and maybe i won't, but i also know that for now i need to live my life without a structured church setting and just let my faith wander and see where it takes me.

bucket list item: buy a lottery ticket. 

guilt

1. had a wonderful day with the YaYas--went to lunch and had a birthday celebration for my mom!
2. watched the final four games--such a disappointment for both games. hopefully butler wins (kills, embarrasses, destroys) duke on monday night!
3. went to bed early in preparation for easter sunday; it's my second favorite church service (next to christmas, of course).

okay, so i'm mildly upset with myself. i did not follow through on all of my lent list items every day. some days i stuck to it, but other days i gave in and had one of the items, but not the others. i think it's interesting, though, that for the 50 days of the easter season, the confession of sin is not said in the episcopal church (i'm a cradle episcopalian). it's like during the easter season, all is forgiven automatically because Jesus was risen from the dead. however, i still feel guilty about this lenten season because i slacked off. this is the first year that i have not strictly stuck to my lenten promise of giving something up. when i was a kid, it was always ice cream. and i never had it on sundays either because my mom just wouldn't keep it in the house during lent. when i got older, i would add school cookies or something similar to the list. last year: facebook and dining hall cookies. it was the toughest year yet, but totally worth it. this year, while i stuck to some things, i didn't really attempt to practice the discipline of the lenten season. i felt guilty in the beginning, but soon washed my hands of that guilt. looking back, i see how much being raised religious affected my thinking. was there any reason that i should feel guilty for eating/drinking what was "forbidden," other than the church said i wasn't supposed to for 40 days and nights? not really. but i have been raised to practice lent and this is the first year that i haven't. it was interesting, though, to see my reaction. and i'm ready for easter tomorrow; while the celebration of lent ending will not be as sweet, it is still just as beautiful of a service and special of a day.

both worlds

1. project runway is distracting me. 
2. i went to my sister's school today and ate lunch with her and someone else, then spent some time in the city. it was a great day (like, great day).
3. i had a delicious dinner with my family and watched the blind side for a second time. i really like that movie.

so where i am from is hard for people to understand unless they grew up somewhere like i did. most people i've met in college do not get it. they just...don't understand my hometown.  but where i am from is a special place. it's country and hick and backwoods (backwards, too). but it's unique and holds an interesting place in my heart. i lived in one house my entire life, the house my daddy built all by himself. i have none nothing else, and i would change nothing about where i grew up or how i grew up. it shaped me tremendously. maybe it's obvious to say that where i grew up shaped me, but i feel that how i was raised mixed with where i was raised made me into the person i am today. and both influences keep shaping me. my hometown is different from my college town, almost polar opposite. but the two put together have done a lot for my personal growth. people may criticize both places, i even criticize both places, but in the end, they have done a lot to make me, well, me. C.

wedding bells?

1. "i'm at a place called vertigo."
2. went to class, had lunch with friends, relaxed, went to class, skipped class, drove home with friends. great day. and i'm so happy to be home for easter!
3. talked more with the girl who i am (most likely) subletting from this summer and it's very close to being official! we just have to work out final details and sign a lease. SO EXCITED.

so i was watching WEtv with my suitemates the other day (typical) and was fascinated by the shows "platinum brides" and "bridezillas." such concepts for entertainment. if you are not familiar, "platinum brides" is basically a show about who can spend the most money on a wedding. the prices for everything are given and they are outrageous. it's just...ridiculous. "bridezillas" is a show about horribly bitchy women who make everyone's lives miserable so that they can be "generously compensated" a.k.a. get a free honeymoon. it may actually be worth it to go onto national television and act hella bitchy for a free honeymoon...but anyway. while the shows are entertaining and funny and ridiculous, they also exemplify how wrapped up in the wedding culture our society has become. what happened to focusing on the groom rather than the thousands of dollars you are spending on a 12 hour day. i know, i know, it's supposed to be the most important day of your life. but...why? if you are marrying someone you love and will spend your life with, isn't that day just the beginning of the rest of your life? also, it's not like you weren't dating the person before you married them; like, you know who you are marrying and why you love them, so why is the wedding day such a huge deal? and shouldn't other days be really important too? like the birth of children, graduating college, getting a dream job, the death of parents, etc.? anyway, i hate to see how obsessed people have become with weddings and seem to have forgotten about the groom/bride. just give me a place, dress, food, and music...then a baller honeymoon! the wedding should be about the couple and spending time together--not the hooplah involved with the actual process. it's all so commercialized and overblown. use that money more wisely and build a future together. so that's my tirade about weddings. with all that said, i do like "say yes to the dress" on TLC, though that show is rather ridiculous also...but what's important to me is that my wedding will be simpler.

passion

1. noooo classes. i laid out in the sun today on my dorm lawn and read homework. it was amazing. i love sunshine. 
2. had my lab meeting and watched top model and spent my night with someone. 
3. i go home for easter tomorrow! just three days between a weekend with my family; i couldn't be happier.

i am unable to understand how someone cannot love what they are studying in school. maybe this is just blind naivete on my part, but i can't imagine not really caring about or respecting the field one is spending time studying for 4+ years. i am in love with my major, but i am not stupid about its shortcomings. i know that there are failings in my field but i also couldn't imagine spending my life any other way. i am incredibly passionate about it and want to just learn everything i can and then take that knowledge and run with it and change lives. so yeah, that's my rant for tonight. love what you do, or it will never be worth it.

...we're lost

1. got out of my last class early because my teacher has a sore throat. sucks for him, but it was great for me!
2. we only lost our softball game by 2 runs, and we started our kickball team today! my team name suggestion, team "kick you in the balls," was too long, so we settled on team "kicks balls." vulgar, but collegiate. 
3. planned out my fall semester--i'm hopeful that as a junior (OMG) i'll actually get into the classes that i want. we shall see if the registration gods look favorably upon me...

the death of the american frontier mentality: the GPS. i hate the GPS. it has turned almost all smart and respectable drivers into whiny, incapable tykes who are unable to function without the omnipotent machine telling them to "turn right in 400 yards" in a monotone, robotic voice. the GPS has reduced the american vision of conquering new territories and stepping out into the world to a rubbish heap of boring and worrisome planned-out trips. the most exciting thing about traveling is using a map and figuring out where you are and how you got lost and how to get found again! it's a challenge that has faced humans for many thousands of years and the GPS is now destroying the human intuition for direction and judgment. it is f***ing with evolution, for pete's sake. and we just sit there and take it?! inconceivable! how has this happened?! how do we stand for tv commercials with freaky GPS devices locking the driver in his car and demanding he give the newly purchased diamond necklace to the GPS before being able to drive? that is just weird. unacceptable, and weird. the GPS has screwed with the very confidence of drivers in their ability to figure it out. i think this is when a differentiation is necessary: maps are and have always been very useful tools for deciphering location; the GPS is a usually-wrong-falsely-proclaimed-as-always-right piece of equipment that has hijacked the ability of the driver to operate solo. basically, i think that the GPS is part of the decline of civilization. and i think using one is a terrible mistake. just...use a map. they will be right, i promise. just go get lost somewhere and challenge yourself to find a way out. if you want to be really crafty (and slightly stupid), don't bring your cell phone (gasp!).

on the road again

1. no classes today, but did work and went to two meetings. i love my major. i'm so excited about it. 
2. had a really good talk tonight.
3. decided that i absolutely want to study abroad next spring and i absolutely want to live my life for me. 

like my third one says, i have decided to keep living my life for me. i want so many things and i expect so much from myself. but i know that i have the ability to complete all these goals and more, and i definitely have the desire. i'm very interested to see where my life will take me, and scared that it will be in a direction i haven't intended (which will most likely be the case). anyway, it will be...so emotional to watch my life play out. i'm excited to live my college life, and to see what is out there for me after college.

"say what you mean to say"

1. great day! i spent it with someone special.
2. went to a delicious dinner (again). is it becoming clear that my life revolves around food?
3. i cleaned my room! up next on the chore list: laundry.

let me preface this by saying that the family nickname for dr. freud is "dr. fraud." i fully support this nickname--freud is 90% bull, 5% lucky, 5% correct. so with that said, one of the things he was right about is the infamous "freudian slip," or, "parapraxis." it is also known as the "oh, shit" moment. it's when you are trying to say something and instead say something different. freud interpreted these moments as glimpses into the unconscious desires of the person who made the freudian slip. while sometimes mistakes of speech happen, most of the time, the thing that is said on accident is what the person is actually thinking about. and while it may not have been conscious thought, it was happening somewhere under the surface of the cognitive activity. i'm a fan of saying what i mean and being upfront and telling the truth. but tonight, my unconscious told the truth. it was rather embarrassing and weird, but funny at the same time. and while i may not have actively thought about what slipped from my mouth, it definitely made sense and fit the context. moral of the story: tell the truth, because if you don't, your unconscious will tell it anyway.

bucket list: have a garden of flowers

noooo-thing

1. had a great day. delicious lunch and then went to the mall. 
2. shopped at the new h&m and also the forever 21, then got another ear piercing! 
3. my night was so much fun. except for a teensy, weensy incident, it was all so much crazy fun.

i don't have that much to say, of course, because it's the weekend and i'm exhausted. but i'm happy and i love 12 hours and i love my friends. they have made my college experience unforgettable. i'm also happy that i've made new friends and decided to follow my motto, to fly, and lived it as much as i can. i promise, tomorrow night will have an interesting post. my weekends really do need to pick it up...i apologize.

the disney d

1. one pm. that's what time i woke up today. it felt amazing. granted, i was awake til 2 am reading my new book. 
2. had no classes but i was still semi-productive.
3. ate a delicious dinner and had delicious ice cream for dessert! i'm excited for this weekend. 

i watched aladdin tonight and it made me want to be a little kid again. aladdin was always a great disney movie, but i never could decide if it was my favorite. i really loved sleeping beauty (i thought the fairies were really cool), but watching it now makes me realize how simplistic it is, because it was the first one made. lion king was always great, but sad. the little mermaid? enough said. but it's interesting watching these movies as a semi-adult because i catch all the innuendos and subtleties. also, i took a fairy tales class and it forever changed how i think about disney movie portrayals of classic fairy tales. really? a whole new world, ariel? like...the men's world, up above the women's world of the ocean? wow, sexist. there are many examples of these sorts of things. you can google them if you're interested. for now, i think i will watch the jungle book next...and keep reading my book. cheers!

"don't die."

1. class today, beautiful weather, weekend started. overall? great day.
2. watched tv with my suitemate tonight, read a book (like, a non-school book, shocker!), and ate some ice cream. wow, 12 hours = ♥
3. going to bed relatively early tonight and planning to have a productive and fun weekend!

so i wrote on my hand the word "biology" today because i wanted to remind myself that i wanted to blog about that tonight. buuuut now i've been reading the do-over novel "pretty little mistakes" for the second time and it gave me something else to think about. this book, btw, was a graduation present from my sister. i like it a lot and highly recommend it, if for nothing else than its entertainment value and its perspective about life. anyway, i've talked about death before but not how i want to talk about it tonight. it seems crazy to me how easily we can all die. like, so many things in this life can be straight-up lethal. but isn't it strange how many billions of people avoid death every day? what makes life the option some people get to take over death? it makes me even more supportive of the principle of survival of the fittest. granted, it's not as big of a deal now as it was back then, but it's still relevant. lifestyle choices, like overeating or not exercising or tanning, are not exactly conducive to surviving and passing on genes. but the thing is, lifestyle choices will usually keep someone alive long enough to reproduce, unlike getting killed by a velociraptor or something. anyway, i just think it's weird how death is so close at every moment and how it seems so random that some people die and some people don't--it's like flipping a coin. or so it seems...who can really know, though. i think i need to post funny stuff again soon...my posts are getting too heavy. suggestions? 

sinking

1. spent most of my day outside reading for classes tomorrow. it was beautifully sunny and lively and relaxing. 
2. missed america's next top model for a meeting--yeah, i'm pretty upset about it.
3. i am excited to register for fall classes! i have no direction that i need to go in really, it's all about the classes that i want to take. that's an exciting feeling.

it's pretty interesting to me that new moore island in the bay of bengal has completely disappeared. india and bangladesh had been fighting over possession of the uninhabited rock island for over 30 years. and now, the island has sunk underwater, thanks to global climate change. thanks, mother earth, for solving that political dilemma. it makes the global climate change phenomenon seem pretty real. i hate to think that one of my favorite cities on the planet is also going to sink--venice. i am in love with italy, and especially in love with venice. the deep mystery and history that characterizes the city is poignant, lonely, beautiful, and compelling all at once. and it's sinking. i encourage everyone to visit venice to experience what will no longer be possible to visit, perhaps in our lifetime. one day, new moore island was there, the next day...it was gone. so why do people not believe in atlantis? will people be questioning venice's existence hundreds of years from now? people just need to remember how to believe in things (please see posts on magic and fairies). also, i get really frustrated when people claim that "global warming" is all a sham because it's been a really cold winter. the correct term is global climate change, which i'm pretty sure this past winter proves is happening. that is a tangent, but i just want people to stop being ignorant and believe that humans are the reason that islands like new moore are sinking. accept it and make the appropriate lifestyle changes, or it will be too late (for us, and for venice).

"i need a soldier"

1. loooong day today. classes and meetings and papers, oh my!
2. FREE CONE DAY AT BEN & JERRY'S. 
3. spent my evening in a lovely way. 

i think there is a major difference between being anti-war and anti-military. i usually fall into the previous category and am often accused of being "anti-military" or "anti-soldiers" or something ignorant like that. i don't like war, but i am incredibly supportive of our troops. i have the utmost respect for the people who put their lives on the line day after day, year after year to support the goals of the higher ups in government. soldiers have accepted that they are not in a place to act out their personal feelings about policy; they accept the task at hand and carry it out. that kind of courage is admirable. while i have some (major) problems with the military institution, i am in no way anti-military or anti-soldiers. that is absurd. i support our troops and do what i can to show that support. when i see men and women in uniform, i thank them for their service and try to learn a little about their lives/missions. i've been told that a simple "thank you" means a lot, especially in a climate of an unpopular war. because of this, i have decided to write some letters to soldiers abroad and thank them for their service. you can too, if you want, using one of these websites...
http://www.letterstosoldiers.org/
http://www.anysoldier.com/

the bunny

1. today has not been one of those days where i see the beauty in life. but according to my resolution, i need to look for the beauty in every day, even the awful ones. 
2. i missed the bus, i have to pay a lot of money to get the girl's car fixed, i cut myself shaving, it rained and was cold, i have ZERO motivation to do any work...it was just a bad day. 
3. but tomorrow is free cone day at ben & jerry's and softball game day, so it will hopefully be better than today.

my energy is draining. school is starting to become really hard because i have a lot of free time, or so it seems, so i end up wasting time doing non-school things (like getting tanlines) and then have to do all my work at once. good work ethic? i think not. but i hope it's just a phase similar to my really high energy phase that lasted a few weeks. i'm starting to sound hypomanic in my description of my energy level patterns--this is not the case, i promise. but i really do just feel drained after today. i think it's because i had such an amazing weekend and now feel the pressure to get through tomorrow. man, i love college? most of the time. but it's also strange how being around certain people can make affect your energy level. that's all i'm going to say about that.

mmm, cake

1. lazy sunday. went to the baseball game, did homework, watched a movie. i feel repetitive, but i love being in 12 hours...and i love that it's springtime.
2. i'm counting down the weeks to summer! it will bring new, exciting things into my life. 
3. the revised health care bill passed the house tonight. which brings me to my topic for tonight (kind of)...ta da!

cake. everyone loves cake (actually, not everyone, but still). since everyone loves cake so much, we always want to have our cake and eat it too. not possible. repeat: not. possible. this is where the frustration factors in. you want the cake, to look at the cake, smell the cake...eat the cake. but then! you eat the cake...and it's gone. you can't eat it and still have it. sorry. wrong-o! not how it works. yes, semantics can factor into this argument, but let's be real: the point of the phrase is that one cannot simultaneously have one thing and have another contradictory thing. so as this relates to health care, people want full-coverage and for their problems to all be magically solved...but no one wants to pay for it or for government to interfere. see what i mean? why can't people understand that YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH?! yes, i am guilty of this crime of being blissfully ignorant to life's realities and murphy's law, but i am slowly learning that this cake rule applies to life almost all the time. some people think it will also apply to personal life, like, one can have a significant other, but still flirt like one is single. it may work for awhile, but eventually it will all catch up and blow up in one's face. or so i like to think this is true...anyway. it all comes back to the cake: you can't want one thing for yourself, like being single, but then not want the person you are interested in to remain off the market. that's just not fair. i have a lot to say on this topic, as you can tell, but i think i have summed it up pretty well for now. cake rule.

my bucket list item for this week is especially fitting: bake a big cake, like a wedding cake but just for me and whomever happens to be in my life at the time i decide to bake it.