thunder

1. went to our spring football game today! it was pretty fun--we're looking good for the fall season.
2. ate a delicious dinner--three slices of legitimate italian pizza with spinach, feta, garlic, and cheese. mmm.
3. had a fun night, but the chilly weather returned! not okay with me. this upcoming week looks nice though.

i got caught in the rain the other night and loved just standing in the rain, feeling it. i hate rainstorms when i'm trying to walk to class, but they are so calming at night. when it used to rain when i was little, i would open my window next to my bed and listen to the rain and watch the lightening from the windowsill. i remember thinking how pretty the lightening looked, especially the bolts that spread across the whole sky. i've never been afraid of thunderstorms; they always just seem like expressions of intense emotion. so the other night, i just watched the rain fall and liked how it felt on my face. thunderstorms at night are a beautiful thing. and even during the day they can be okay...as long as i'm not trying to walk to class!

diamonds are forever

1. girls, this one is for y'all.
2. great day--no classes and a beautiful, slightly chilly day. 
3. i'm so tired right now, though, from last night. 

i'm stubborn and that's the end of it. i'll feel what to feel, do what i want to do, and act how i want to act. all those of conditions have constraints, but they still usually hold true. i have intense empathy and concern for other people, especially those close to me. i will feel what others feel. i've always been this way, and nothing about those two facets of my personality will change.

99 problems

1. classes today, weekend started at 4:45!
2. it rained--thank the lord! the pollen has finally disappeared. 
3. my night was so much fun! love to all my girls.

i got 99 problems, and they all...nothing! i'm happy right now, but exhausted. my only topic for tonight is that it's my 99th post--how exciting! and what a fortuitous number. i'm excited that i've made it this far and i'm excited to reach 100, and then finally, 365! what the year holds in store, i cannot say, but i'm more ready for it than ever.

bob caldwell

1. did some work today, but also relaxed some. it was a pretty good day overall. life=love right now.
2. that's not to say that my life isn't stressful! it just seems that i'm learning to take the good with the bad. i'm trying to stress less and have more fun. 
3. my decision of the day: have a really fun and still productive weekend! classes are coming down to the wire, so i need to stay focused on making dean's list (can't break the record!).

why is it that the weatherman is always wrong? has anyone else experienced this, or was it just the weatherman in my hometown? the art of telling the weather is so imprecise, so random...seems like a pretty easy job! i know that it's actually pretty hard and involves a lot of math and science, but still. can't they get it right every once in awhile?! i mean, i can just look outside and see what it's doing that minute...i need to know what it's going to be doing tomorrow (accurately, please)! so that's my rant about the weather. and i'm grumpy because it's supposed to be 83 and 30% chance of t-storms tomorrow--a.k.a. hot and humid. gross. i like the mean girls approach to weather "there's a 30% chance that it's already raining."

out of this world

1. classes today, back in the swing of things! but only for another month...then i become a junior. yikes!
2. saw a really great movie for my history class tonight, the lives of others. it won best foreign film in 2007 (rightly so) and was really well done. but sad!
3. today's weather was beautiful! i can even handle all the pollen since the sunshine and heat is a welcome change from the rainy misery of winter.

i want to go to outer space, but i hate flying. i feel like this is a problem. the two things i was always fascinated with as a child: thunderstorms and stars. the first i will save for another post, but the second i will talk about tonight. have you ever seen that movie, october sky? i watched it in almost every science class i ever took in middle and high school, and i always empathized with the kid. he just wanted to go into space. or make rockets. anyway. i want to just wish my way onto the moon and see how the earth looks from outer space. really think about it...wouldn't that be one of the coolest things on the planet (or off it...ha ha ha, get it?)?! to see the galaxy we live in from a whole different perspective...talk about getting a new lease on life. the stars are beautiful at my house and i can't see them that well at school. it's a sad sight to see a blank sky night after night when i was used to seeing diamonds in the sky (sans lucy). but i'm just hopeful that an easier way to travel into outer space will come along before my life ends. also, i hope they can make the flight a little easier. if i already don't like to fly in an airplane, imagine how a space shuttle will make me feel. eek! but perhaps i could overcome that (intense) fear of (horribly painful) death and fly to the outer realms of the galaxy. how beautiful would that be...

randomness

1. drove back to school today. it was bittersweet; i was sad to leave my beautiful home but happy to return to chapel hill.
2. finished up my paper today and did some other random homework. 
3. i'm excited for this week and this weekend! and it's only monday...

so much of life is random. i am starting to like how the itty bitty things in life can be just as earth-shaking as the big events. we talked in my roman art class about what we would put on our funery reliefs (basically, the pictures that go on the side of our sarcophagus). anyway, we all mentioned the big events like graduation, marriage, job, children, grandchildren, death, but none of us mentioned the small things in life. like what about the person you met on the street one day who possibly changed your life? or the part-time job you had that gave you a new career choice? or the meeting with a professor that changed your academic life? these things are all so random and seemingly insignificant, but they have profound impacts on our lives, just like the big events. it's important for us to remember this as we walk through our lives, day after day, year after year. what is happening now may seem hugely important, or not important at all, but will most definitely affect the future in some way. oh, and i'm slowly learning to fly...and loving it.

ascension

1. happy easter!!!
2. beautiful service, delicious brunch, relaxing day. what a wonderful weekend i've had. 
3. back to school tomorrow; i've even been semi-productive and written a paper while home. 

i am all written out. this paper has sucked out all my energy. but i am almost finished with it, and i need to get sleep for the long drive back to school tomorrow. i am at the point now where it's getting more difficult not to repeat myself in my blog topics. even so, i know that lately i have had some failings of blog posts, especially on the weekends. so i'm going to try to do better! the easter season is about celebration and redemption, so that's what i should focus on tonight. i'm celebrating my family and the love i have for them. and i am also celebrating the love that my church family has for me and all the support they gave me as i grew up those 18 years in the church. i was blessed to have the experiences that i did in my church. it gave me something to hold onto when i was scared or doubting. my faith came to be represented by those church memories. as a kid, it's hard to know what religion is all about or why people need it so much. well, that's not so for some kids i guess, but it was true for me. i just knew parts of the book of common prayer by heart and knew the words that the rector would say every sunday--i still know those things today. i used to want to be a preacher so that i could heal people. but i have found a way of healing that suits me more, though the appeal of being a preacher is still there. but that is not a possibility anymore. and i didn't want any of the other stuff, just to lead services and talk to people. so it looks like i found another way to fill that need. but i can't imagine my life without the church, and thus find it hard to leave it behind. and maybe i won't, but i also know that for now i need to live my life without a structured church setting and just let my faith wander and see where it takes me.

bucket list item: buy a lottery ticket. 

guilt

1. had a wonderful day with the YaYas--went to lunch and had a birthday celebration for my mom!
2. watched the final four games--such a disappointment for both games. hopefully butler wins (kills, embarrasses, destroys) duke on monday night!
3. went to bed early in preparation for easter sunday; it's my second favorite church service (next to christmas, of course).

okay, so i'm mildly upset with myself. i did not follow through on all of my lent list items every day. some days i stuck to it, but other days i gave in and had one of the items, but not the others. i think it's interesting, though, that for the 50 days of the easter season, the confession of sin is not said in the episcopal church (i'm a cradle episcopalian). it's like during the easter season, all is forgiven automatically because Jesus was risen from the dead. however, i still feel guilty about this lenten season because i slacked off. this is the first year that i have not strictly stuck to my lenten promise of giving something up. when i was a kid, it was always ice cream. and i never had it on sundays either because my mom just wouldn't keep it in the house during lent. when i got older, i would add school cookies or something similar to the list. last year: facebook and dining hall cookies. it was the toughest year yet, but totally worth it. this year, while i stuck to some things, i didn't really attempt to practice the discipline of the lenten season. i felt guilty in the beginning, but soon washed my hands of that guilt. looking back, i see how much being raised religious affected my thinking. was there any reason that i should feel guilty for eating/drinking what was "forbidden," other than the church said i wasn't supposed to for 40 days and nights? not really. but i have been raised to practice lent and this is the first year that i haven't. it was interesting, though, to see my reaction. and i'm ready for easter tomorrow; while the celebration of lent ending will not be as sweet, it is still just as beautiful of a service and special of a day.

both worlds

1. project runway is distracting me. 
2. i went to my sister's school today and ate lunch with her and someone else, then spent some time in the city. it was a great day (like, great day).
3. i had a delicious dinner with my family and watched the blind side for a second time. i really like that movie.

so where i am from is hard for people to understand unless they grew up somewhere like i did. most people i've met in college do not get it. they just...don't understand my hometown.  but where i am from is a special place. it's country and hick and backwoods (backwards, too). but it's unique and holds an interesting place in my heart. i lived in one house my entire life, the house my daddy built all by himself. i have none nothing else, and i would change nothing about where i grew up or how i grew up. it shaped me tremendously. maybe it's obvious to say that where i grew up shaped me, but i feel that how i was raised mixed with where i was raised made me into the person i am today. and both influences keep shaping me. my hometown is different from my college town, almost polar opposite. but the two put together have done a lot for my personal growth. people may criticize both places, i even criticize both places, but in the end, they have done a lot to make me, well, me. C.

wedding bells?

1. "i'm at a place called vertigo."
2. went to class, had lunch with friends, relaxed, went to class, skipped class, drove home with friends. great day. and i'm so happy to be home for easter!
3. talked more with the girl who i am (most likely) subletting from this summer and it's very close to being official! we just have to work out final details and sign a lease. SO EXCITED.

so i was watching WEtv with my suitemates the other day (typical) and was fascinated by the shows "platinum brides" and "bridezillas." such concepts for entertainment. if you are not familiar, "platinum brides" is basically a show about who can spend the most money on a wedding. the prices for everything are given and they are outrageous. it's just...ridiculous. "bridezillas" is a show about horribly bitchy women who make everyone's lives miserable so that they can be "generously compensated" a.k.a. get a free honeymoon. it may actually be worth it to go onto national television and act hella bitchy for a free honeymoon...but anyway. while the shows are entertaining and funny and ridiculous, they also exemplify how wrapped up in the wedding culture our society has become. what happened to focusing on the groom rather than the thousands of dollars you are spending on a 12 hour day. i know, i know, it's supposed to be the most important day of your life. but...why? if you are marrying someone you love and will spend your life with, isn't that day just the beginning of the rest of your life? also, it's not like you weren't dating the person before you married them; like, you know who you are marrying and why you love them, so why is the wedding day such a huge deal? and shouldn't other days be really important too? like the birth of children, graduating college, getting a dream job, the death of parents, etc.? anyway, i hate to see how obsessed people have become with weddings and seem to have forgotten about the groom/bride. just give me a place, dress, food, and music...then a baller honeymoon! the wedding should be about the couple and spending time together--not the hooplah involved with the actual process. it's all so commercialized and overblown. use that money more wisely and build a future together. so that's my tirade about weddings. with all that said, i do like "say yes to the dress" on TLC, though that show is rather ridiculous also...but what's important to me is that my wedding will be simpler.

passion

1. noooo classes. i laid out in the sun today on my dorm lawn and read homework. it was amazing. i love sunshine. 
2. had my lab meeting and watched top model and spent my night with someone. 
3. i go home for easter tomorrow! just three days between a weekend with my family; i couldn't be happier.

i am unable to understand how someone cannot love what they are studying in school. maybe this is just blind naivete on my part, but i can't imagine not really caring about or respecting the field one is spending time studying for 4+ years. i am in love with my major, but i am not stupid about its shortcomings. i know that there are failings in my field but i also couldn't imagine spending my life any other way. i am incredibly passionate about it and want to just learn everything i can and then take that knowledge and run with it and change lives. so yeah, that's my rant for tonight. love what you do, or it will never be worth it.

...we're lost

1. got out of my last class early because my teacher has a sore throat. sucks for him, but it was great for me!
2. we only lost our softball game by 2 runs, and we started our kickball team today! my team name suggestion, team "kick you in the balls," was too long, so we settled on team "kicks balls." vulgar, but collegiate. 
3. planned out my fall semester--i'm hopeful that as a junior (OMG) i'll actually get into the classes that i want. we shall see if the registration gods look favorably upon me...

the death of the american frontier mentality: the GPS. i hate the GPS. it has turned almost all smart and respectable drivers into whiny, incapable tykes who are unable to function without the omnipotent machine telling them to "turn right in 400 yards" in a monotone, robotic voice. the GPS has reduced the american vision of conquering new territories and stepping out into the world to a rubbish heap of boring and worrisome planned-out trips. the most exciting thing about traveling is using a map and figuring out where you are and how you got lost and how to get found again! it's a challenge that has faced humans for many thousands of years and the GPS is now destroying the human intuition for direction and judgment. it is f***ing with evolution, for pete's sake. and we just sit there and take it?! inconceivable! how has this happened?! how do we stand for tv commercials with freaky GPS devices locking the driver in his car and demanding he give the newly purchased diamond necklace to the GPS before being able to drive? that is just weird. unacceptable, and weird. the GPS has screwed with the very confidence of drivers in their ability to figure it out. i think this is when a differentiation is necessary: maps are and have always been very useful tools for deciphering location; the GPS is a usually-wrong-falsely-proclaimed-as-always-right piece of equipment that has hijacked the ability of the driver to operate solo. basically, i think that the GPS is part of the decline of civilization. and i think using one is a terrible mistake. just...use a map. they will be right, i promise. just go get lost somewhere and challenge yourself to find a way out. if you want to be really crafty (and slightly stupid), don't bring your cell phone (gasp!).

on the road again

1. no classes today, but did work and went to two meetings. i love my major. i'm so excited about it. 
2. had a really good talk tonight.
3. decided that i absolutely want to study abroad next spring and i absolutely want to live my life for me. 

like my third one says, i have decided to keep living my life for me. i want so many things and i expect so much from myself. but i know that i have the ability to complete all these goals and more, and i definitely have the desire. i'm very interested to see where my life will take me, and scared that it will be in a direction i haven't intended (which will most likely be the case). anyway, it will be...so emotional to watch my life play out. i'm excited to live my college life, and to see what is out there for me after college.

"say what you mean to say"

1. great day! i spent it with someone special.
2. went to a delicious dinner (again). is it becoming clear that my life revolves around food?
3. i cleaned my room! up next on the chore list: laundry.

let me preface this by saying that the family nickname for dr. freud is "dr. fraud." i fully support this nickname--freud is 90% bull, 5% lucky, 5% correct. so with that said, one of the things he was right about is the infamous "freudian slip," or, "parapraxis." it is also known as the "oh, shit" moment. it's when you are trying to say something and instead say something different. freud interpreted these moments as glimpses into the unconscious desires of the person who made the freudian slip. while sometimes mistakes of speech happen, most of the time, the thing that is said on accident is what the person is actually thinking about. and while it may not have been conscious thought, it was happening somewhere under the surface of the cognitive activity. i'm a fan of saying what i mean and being upfront and telling the truth. but tonight, my unconscious told the truth. it was rather embarrassing and weird, but funny at the same time. and while i may not have actively thought about what slipped from my mouth, it definitely made sense and fit the context. moral of the story: tell the truth, because if you don't, your unconscious will tell it anyway.

bucket list: have a garden of flowers

noooo-thing

1. had a great day. delicious lunch and then went to the mall. 
2. shopped at the new h&m and also the forever 21, then got another ear piercing! 
3. my night was so much fun. except for a teensy, weensy incident, it was all so much crazy fun.

i don't have that much to say, of course, because it's the weekend and i'm exhausted. but i'm happy and i love 12 hours and i love my friends. they have made my college experience unforgettable. i'm also happy that i've made new friends and decided to follow my motto, to fly, and lived it as much as i can. i promise, tomorrow night will have an interesting post. my weekends really do need to pick it up...i apologize.

the disney d

1. one pm. that's what time i woke up today. it felt amazing. granted, i was awake til 2 am reading my new book. 
2. had no classes but i was still semi-productive.
3. ate a delicious dinner and had delicious ice cream for dessert! i'm excited for this weekend. 

i watched aladdin tonight and it made me want to be a little kid again. aladdin was always a great disney movie, but i never could decide if it was my favorite. i really loved sleeping beauty (i thought the fairies were really cool), but watching it now makes me realize how simplistic it is, because it was the first one made. lion king was always great, but sad. the little mermaid? enough said. but it's interesting watching these movies as a semi-adult because i catch all the innuendos and subtleties. also, i took a fairy tales class and it forever changed how i think about disney movie portrayals of classic fairy tales. really? a whole new world, ariel? like...the men's world, up above the women's world of the ocean? wow, sexist. there are many examples of these sorts of things. you can google them if you're interested. for now, i think i will watch the jungle book next...and keep reading my book. cheers!

"don't die."

1. class today, beautiful weather, weekend started. overall? great day.
2. watched tv with my suitemate tonight, read a book (like, a non-school book, shocker!), and ate some ice cream. wow, 12 hours = ♥
3. going to bed relatively early tonight and planning to have a productive and fun weekend!

so i wrote on my hand the word "biology" today because i wanted to remind myself that i wanted to blog about that tonight. buuuut now i've been reading the do-over novel "pretty little mistakes" for the second time and it gave me something else to think about. this book, btw, was a graduation present from my sister. i like it a lot and highly recommend it, if for nothing else than its entertainment value and its perspective about life. anyway, i've talked about death before but not how i want to talk about it tonight. it seems crazy to me how easily we can all die. like, so many things in this life can be straight-up lethal. but isn't it strange how many billions of people avoid death every day? what makes life the option some people get to take over death? it makes me even more supportive of the principle of survival of the fittest. granted, it's not as big of a deal now as it was back then, but it's still relevant. lifestyle choices, like overeating or not exercising or tanning, are not exactly conducive to surviving and passing on genes. but the thing is, lifestyle choices will usually keep someone alive long enough to reproduce, unlike getting killed by a velociraptor or something. anyway, i just think it's weird how death is so close at every moment and how it seems so random that some people die and some people don't--it's like flipping a coin. or so it seems...who can really know, though. i think i need to post funny stuff again soon...my posts are getting too heavy. suggestions? 

sinking

1. spent most of my day outside reading for classes tomorrow. it was beautifully sunny and lively and relaxing. 
2. missed america's next top model for a meeting--yeah, i'm pretty upset about it.
3. i am excited to register for fall classes! i have no direction that i need to go in really, it's all about the classes that i want to take. that's an exciting feeling.

it's pretty interesting to me that new moore island in the bay of bengal has completely disappeared. india and bangladesh had been fighting over possession of the uninhabited rock island for over 30 years. and now, the island has sunk underwater, thanks to global climate change. thanks, mother earth, for solving that political dilemma. it makes the global climate change phenomenon seem pretty real. i hate to think that one of my favorite cities on the planet is also going to sink--venice. i am in love with italy, and especially in love with venice. the deep mystery and history that characterizes the city is poignant, lonely, beautiful, and compelling all at once. and it's sinking. i encourage everyone to visit venice to experience what will no longer be possible to visit, perhaps in our lifetime. one day, new moore island was there, the next day...it was gone. so why do people not believe in atlantis? will people be questioning venice's existence hundreds of years from now? people just need to remember how to believe in things (please see posts on magic and fairies). also, i get really frustrated when people claim that "global warming" is all a sham because it's been a really cold winter. the correct term is global climate change, which i'm pretty sure this past winter proves is happening. that is a tangent, but i just want people to stop being ignorant and believe that humans are the reason that islands like new moore are sinking. accept it and make the appropriate lifestyle changes, or it will be too late (for us, and for venice).

"i need a soldier"

1. loooong day today. classes and meetings and papers, oh my!
2. FREE CONE DAY AT BEN & JERRY'S. 
3. spent my evening in a lovely way. 

i think there is a major difference between being anti-war and anti-military. i usually fall into the previous category and am often accused of being "anti-military" or "anti-soldiers" or something ignorant like that. i don't like war, but i am incredibly supportive of our troops. i have the utmost respect for the people who put their lives on the line day after day, year after year to support the goals of the higher ups in government. soldiers have accepted that they are not in a place to act out their personal feelings about policy; they accept the task at hand and carry it out. that kind of courage is admirable. while i have some (major) problems with the military institution, i am in no way anti-military or anti-soldiers. that is absurd. i support our troops and do what i can to show that support. when i see men and women in uniform, i thank them for their service and try to learn a little about their lives/missions. i've been told that a simple "thank you" means a lot, especially in a climate of an unpopular war. because of this, i have decided to write some letters to soldiers abroad and thank them for their service. you can too, if you want, using one of these websites...
http://www.letterstosoldiers.org/
http://www.anysoldier.com/

the bunny

1. today has not been one of those days where i see the beauty in life. but according to my resolution, i need to look for the beauty in every day, even the awful ones. 
2. i missed the bus, i have to pay a lot of money to get the girl's car fixed, i cut myself shaving, it rained and was cold, i have ZERO motivation to do any work...it was just a bad day. 
3. but tomorrow is free cone day at ben & jerry's and softball game day, so it will hopefully be better than today.

my energy is draining. school is starting to become really hard because i have a lot of free time, or so it seems, so i end up wasting time doing non-school things (like getting tanlines) and then have to do all my work at once. good work ethic? i think not. but i hope it's just a phase similar to my really high energy phase that lasted a few weeks. i'm starting to sound hypomanic in my description of my energy level patterns--this is not the case, i promise. but i really do just feel drained after today. i think it's because i had such an amazing weekend and now feel the pressure to get through tomorrow. man, i love college? most of the time. but it's also strange how being around certain people can make affect your energy level. that's all i'm going to say about that.

mmm, cake

1. lazy sunday. went to the baseball game, did homework, watched a movie. i feel repetitive, but i love being in 12 hours...and i love that it's springtime.
2. i'm counting down the weeks to summer! it will bring new, exciting things into my life. 
3. the revised health care bill passed the house tonight. which brings me to my topic for tonight (kind of)...ta da!

cake. everyone loves cake (actually, not everyone, but still). since everyone loves cake so much, we always want to have our cake and eat it too. not possible. repeat: not. possible. this is where the frustration factors in. you want the cake, to look at the cake, smell the cake...eat the cake. but then! you eat the cake...and it's gone. you can't eat it and still have it. sorry. wrong-o! not how it works. yes, semantics can factor into this argument, but let's be real: the point of the phrase is that one cannot simultaneously have one thing and have another contradictory thing. so as this relates to health care, people want full-coverage and for their problems to all be magically solved...but no one wants to pay for it or for government to interfere. see what i mean? why can't people understand that YOU CAN'T HAVE BOTH?! yes, i am guilty of this crime of being blissfully ignorant to life's realities and murphy's law, but i am slowly learning that this cake rule applies to life almost all the time. some people think it will also apply to personal life, like, one can have a significant other, but still flirt like one is single. it may work for awhile, but eventually it will all catch up and blow up in one's face. or so i like to think this is true...anyway. it all comes back to the cake: you can't want one thing for yourself, like being single, but then not want the person you are interested in to remain off the market. that's just not fair. i have a lot to say on this topic, as you can tell, but i think i have summed it up pretty well for now. cake rule.

my bucket list item for this week is especially fitting: bake a big cake, like a wedding cake but just for me and whomever happens to be in my life at the time i decide to bake it.

tanlines

1. i did nothing today. aka i laid out in the sun all day, (sort of) watched the baseball game, and got some tanlines. yay, sunshine. 
2. i went to a good dinner and then got ice cream. deeeeelicious. 
3. blogging is hard on the weekends.

not much to say again tonight. except i love spring! today was the first day of spring...which makes me so happy. the sunshine was live-giving today. and tomorrow will be nice weather again, and hopefully next week too! so yeah basically, i'm just happy about the weather and happy that it's spring. i love spring; it's possibly my favorite season. but i like summer too...

nm, u?

1. best afternoon ever: lunch with a friend, hours in the sunny, beautiful quad with friends in a new dress, great dinner. 
2. then, got in my first car wreck ever. long story, but i basically reversed into a girl's car. not that much damage, but still scary as all get out. 
3. then a good night, really fun night, followed by some minor drama...can't wait to sleep.

i don't have anything to post about tonight? does that mean that my new year's resolution was a failure? i don't think so. i said that i could post about whatever i wanted, and tonight, i honestly am at a loss for words in describing how i feel.

medicating the masses

1. had three classes today, and my weekend started at 4:45. baller! 
2. had a delicious and fun (!) dinner with my grad student friend. good times. that's all i can really say about that. 
3. i had a great night. except for that one part involving a ping pong ball and an oreo... 

so my subject line may be telling...but i am pissed off about overmedication. i think it is way to shove drugs at someone to attempt to solve problems. this issue is really personal for me in more ways than one, but in general i think it is a huge issue for western society today. what happened to just letting a headache be a headache? what happened to just letting a cold run its course? sure, the argument of "why feel pain if there is a medicine to remove pain?" is legitimate, and in some cases completely understandable. but pain is the body's way of alerting us to the fact that something isn't right and needs to be fixed. it's a built-in warning system--why mess with that? it means you're stressed or have been staring at a computer for too long or aren't getting enough sleep or aren't eating right. so...change whatever is off and make it better. but drugs mess this process up--they mask the pain, thus masking the body's natural response and inhibiting the proper action from being taken. i also look at this from an emotional standpoint. it's like feeling hurt/angry/sad/stressed and doing something maladaptive to mask that feeling. the actual problem doesn't get fixed at all, just the symptoms are taken care of. but that's not getting at the root of what is actually wrong. so by merely treating the pain and ignoring the cause, no progress or growth can be made; then how are people to grow as individuals? overmedication really bothers me. i wish i could say more right now, but i'm feeling a block building up inside my head--writer's block, i guess it's called.

"why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?"

1. no class today, but still a super busy day. 
2. the weather was b-e-a-utiful. it made me so happy.
3. three classes tomorrow, then the weekend! i have exciting plans.

i believe in fairies. i have posted about magic, greek mythology, being superstitious, and now i'm posting about fairies. my friend found out that i believe in fairies and was...incredulous. he shook his head and changed the subject. but really, i'm just the girl who never stopped believing in fairies and goblins and spirits and all sorts of magical creatures. i can't really explain this without sounding slightly mental, but i've already admitted that i retain a belief in magical creatures--how much worse can it get? so yes, i believe mainly in fairies and goblins, and the power of magic and its influence on life. there isn't that much more to say about it, other than think about it this post next time you lose something and have no explanation for the place it ended up, or the next time you find a flower blooming in the dead of winter.

step one

1. first classes since spring break ended--pretty depressing but still classes that i enjoy, so they weren't all bad.
2. played my first of several intramural softball games today! it was pretty fun, but still rather embarrassing at times. the plan is for me and my friend to start a kickball team, so that should be much more fun!
3. so busy all day tomorrow--volunteering from 10:30-4:30, meeting from 4:30-5:30, another meeting from 6-7:30. yeesh!

so i said that tonight i would get serious and talk about psychopathology. but i want to take this a different way and talk about stress management. i have become stressed as of...today...about a few things in my life. while i am still enjoying every minute, it's not like i don't have bad days or stressful times in my life. just because i'm overall really happy right now doesn't mean i don't also get sad/upset/stressed. but i just read this cool article about chinese medicine tactics for falling asleep. but it made me think about how i am dealing with the personal stress i am feeling right now (and will probably stick with me for awhile). i think that blogging helps, though i can't be really explicit with describing my problems. that is why i need to start a for real journal that only i have access to. but anyway, writing helps me get out any lingering thoughts from my day and see how they look on paper, as well as go back and read those thoughts later. but what is most pertinent for me is how to manage my career goals and my personal life. i want to help people, but am afraid i will feel too much and won't know how to separate myself from my work. also, i need to figure out how to not think about stressful decisions that are not facing me right now. i should stop thinking about may and the changes it will bring, graduation and graduate school, and writing a dissertation and getting a job. like really, what the heck is wrong with me that i'm worrying about things so far away? okay, may isn't that far away, but i still can't let the thought of may coming mess with my mind right now. i need to compartmentalize my life--something i have always been horrible at doing. i'm very organized and structured, but it is hard for me to compartmentalize my thoughts and my life into manageable segments. i have always been jealous of the male mind for this reason: they can shut out or allow in thoughts at will. how can one just...stop thinking? i would be terrible at meditation. and the lady from eat, pray, love was convinced she would be terrible at it too, but eventually became proficient. hmm, maybe there is hope. so this has been a bit rambling, but i am starting to take that as meaning it was inspired.
http://health.yahoo.com/experts/drmao/24717/sleep-solutions-from-chinese-masters/

realization

1. got back into the swing of things--kinda. didn't have class but had some meetings and lots of homework (that i am still not finished with...)
2. i had an appointment today about study abroad next spring! i have italy fever--i want to live there and eat there and drink there and study there and...be there, simply be. 
3. signed up for a coed intramural softball team (ha!) and am going to start a coed intramural kickball team with my friend. any takers? 

everything is starting to fall into place. i'm finding a place to live this summer, talking more about plans for this fall/next spring, focusing on my post-college plans, and enjoying every minute of every day, even if it's stressful or gloomy. i just hope that things continue to work out, and if they don't that i can find ways around the obstacles and fix the mistakes and accept the challenges. i feel like i'm starting to have boring blog posts because they are all about how happy i am and how much i love life. i promise, tomorrow i will blog about something important to me. i'm thinking...developmental psychopathology. cheers!

geaux tigers!

1. drove back to school today. i'll miss home, but will be back again for easter. 
2. the weather at school is beautiful! warm and sunny and blue sky, with blooming flowers and trees.
3. i'm excited all over again to only be in 12 hours this semester.

i knew that 2010 would be my year. it is the year of the tiger and a lot of my forecast for 2010 has been spot on (i'm the year of the horse). just look at this...

The Horse

Fun, charming and attractive sums up the Horse’s traits perfectly. They love parties and crowds and being the center of attention. They can also be egotistical, hotheaded and impatient. The Horse is a considerate and protective friend and partner and when in his company, there will always be excitement around the next corner.
Forecast for 2010
The Year of the Tiger will be an exciting and lively year for the Horse. On the home and family front, there may be some changes with family members moving in, moving out or relocating to another location altogether. On the social front, the Horse will be in much demand with invitations to parties and gatherings increasing as the year moves on. Health wise, with such a busy year and added pressures, the Horse must ensure that he looks after his diet and gets adequate rest. Otherwise, irritability and heated arguments could arise unnecessarily. Those born under this sign will do exceptionally well career-wise this year. However, they must follow up leads and career openings with vigor in order to take advantage of the fast paced energy of the Tiger year. A word of caution for the Horse – they need to keep a careful eye on their finances as overspending could happen very easily. August through September will bring fantastic opportunities for those looking for love. March through May will be lucky for changing jobs or careers while November and December will bring fun and lively social gatherings.
Interesting Horse Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Golden Topaz
Special Flower: Rose
Best Hours: 11am-1pm
Season: Summer
Horoscope Colors: Orange, White, Yellow

a lot of these things have already happened! my uncle just relocated houses and moved out of the one on our property at home. career opportunities...well my summer is shaping up to be awesome for my career but i'll have to remember to be on the ball at all times. overspending will be more of a hazard for me this year too considering i won't have a "summer job" and will be wanting to travel over fall break...and study abroad in the spring (the year runs from 2.14.10-2.2.11). and socially, it has already been pretty exciting! my life is just on fire right now and i hope a lot that it continues (it sounds like it will)! yes, i put some faith in horoscopes. couldn't you have figured that one out by reading my post about superstition? anyway, i just found all this stuff online and it made me pretty excited!

so my bucket list item for tonight: throw a baby shower and bachelorette party for someone!

long day.

1. i have had the longest day ever. dealing with the car wreck and the emotions following that, then getting breakfast with friends and my sister coming over. on top of all that, it's the last day of spring break and i haven't done that much work. oh well...
2. went to a delicious dinner with my parents and sister and had a wonderful time. i love my family, end of story. 
3. i have to pack...at some point...and head back to school tomorrow. i'm ready to go back, but at the same time, i'm not ready at all.

so i said i would talk about new beginnings, organization, well-being, and perspective. i spent all day thursday moving my uncle into his new house, like i previously mentioned, and it made me think a lot about the relationships between organization and well-being. i spent all day cleaning and unpacking and organizing and making a house feel like a home. that did wonders for how i felt about my own abilities to do things for others, but it also helped jump start a new life for my uncle. like i've said before, i love my family more than anything and to be able to give back and make life better for someone i love...that's priceless. but after last night i have a bit more to say about perspective than i do about the other three topics. see, this happens sometimes: i plan to blog about some predetermined topic and something comes along and just completely changes what i want to talk about. c'est la vie, oui? anyway, perspective is something that has always made me think...a lot. hindsight is 20/20 and if we only knew then what we now, things would be a lot different, right? maybe. or would everything just...be the same anyway? it's very butterfly effect and counterfactual argument but it's fascinating to think about. one second can make all the difference...or can it? it's so weird to think about because we can never really know what life would be like if we had made different decisions. and i've talked about this before, but after last night it is 10x more relevant. i keep wondering "what if" but i am forced to remember that if one thing had been different, the evening could have played out very differently, or exactly the same. but to tie the two events together (all day cleaning and car wreck), they both showed me that perspective is everything. a new life can begin with simply a new way of looking at the boxes; and events can change how i view life and people in my life. 'tis a strange, yet beautiful, life, eh?

driving in cars

1. slept so late today, it felt really good to be lazy. 
2. did some homework, relaxed some, had a lovely evening...
3. until i got a terrifying phone call...

so the post i promised last night is not happening tonight. i am exhausted and recovering from an extremely stressful end to my evening/start to my day. car wrecks=not fun. that's all i really have to say. no, i was not in the car wreck, but my guest for the evening was. he is fine, but shaken up. it just all brings me back to timing and "what if?" questions. i know that way of thinking isn't productive, though, so i'm trying to avoid it. anyway, the post i talked about last night will be written tomorrow. for tonight, i'm just grateful that everyone is safe.

organizing life

1. cleaned/organized/moved my uncle into his new house for 9 hours straight today. i am a cleaning goddess. and am now in the order of st. yaya. 
2. that's pretty much all i did today. oh, i watched the season premier of america's next top model. 
3. seeing friends tonight. yay!

i have a lot to say, but i'm not sure how to word it yet. and i'm also in a hurry to leave. so i may save this post for tomorrow because i have all day to do nothing (except homework and sleep in). and i want to sleep on this some (actually, i just want to sleep a lot) and figure out all the thoughts in my head right now. so i'll get back to this tomorrow night. but it will be about...new beginnings, organization, well-being, and perspective. giggity.

not much, you?

1. went snowboarding again today.
2. went to a yummy (but slightly dangerous) indian restaurant for dinner.
3. went to a beautiful overlook of the city outside my hometown at night.

not much to say tonight. but how about you? i recommend that everyone say what they want to say to whomever they want to say it. life is short (so short, so short) and things need to be said. so if you are reading this blog and feeling something you haven't verbalized, for whatever reason, take tomorrow to do just that.

reading

1. had a looong day of traveling yesterday. finally got in to the apartment at 12:30 last night and passed out. for a night of real sleep!
2. drove back home today and did a happy jig and yelled "home, sweet home" when i got in the driveway. ran around my house and giggled and played with my kitty and smiled a lot.
3. had delicious home-cooked food tonight--it was my uncle's birthday! and that meant red velvet cake with cream cheese icing. mmmmm...

i love to read! books are my escape. my mom read to me in the womb and i've been addicted ever since. my favorite books when i was little were "are you my mother?" "goodnight moon" "the very hungry caterpillar" "six by seuss" and lots of fairy tales, legends, and poetry. i started to love fantasy and historical fiction almost from the beginning; our bookshelves at home are filled with every imaginable title in these genres. my parents both love to read, as does my sister, and we all just read books on the weekends or at night; rarely did we have game night or movie night. and i thank books for my creativity, verbal intelligence, and imagination. my imagination...that needs to be tomorrow night's post. anyway, i love to read, even now. probably even more now, actually, since college definitely restricts my leisurely reading time. yet another reason i want to live alone: so i can read all summer, every evening and every weekend. books opened my eyes to so many new worlds and possibilities. i started to live lives that i knew weren't possible to live: as a princess, a witch, a badger, a tree, the roles are endless. and living those lives enabled me to imagine any life for myself. books strengthened my independence and gave me the freedom to picture myself doing anything. are you getting a sense as to why i love fantasy books? but historical fiction, such a different story (pun intended? yes.) because the books are framed around historical events, but fictionalized and woven to make for a fascinating story that actually could have happened (who really know, right?). it's like living in the past, which is something i can never do, but have always wanted to do. on that note, i'm going to search for new historical fiction books that i can read this summer. yay! and maybe find a new fantasy series for this summer too...

it's early

1. so it's really early in the morning here in boulder, well, like, 10:29, but i have to blog right now because i'll be traveling all day and don't have access to a computer.
2. i'm sad my break is ending but i'm excited to go home!
3. i hope all my flights go well...and that i land safely and on time later tonight...

so i don't have much to say right now since i just woke up. and i've already blogged about sleep. but that's okay. i guess i can talk about new experiences. this trip, like i said a few days ago, has given me several new experiences. i flew all by myself and that was exciting/nerve wracking. any mistake i made was on my shoulders, but it also made me feel really grown up. colorado is the farthest west i've been in the continental united states (except the LAX airport for, like, an hour). it is beautiful in such a different way than the beauty i'm used to at home. and snowboarding out west has been incredible! i can't wait to come back and hit all these slopes. i'm so jealous that my friends live out here and get to do this every weekend from october-june (for a-basin, anyway). and i met so many new people and they all have such a different vibe than most other people i've met in my life. but i liked hanging out with different people and getting to experience life through boulder's eyes. as my mom told me, i have a "rocky mountain high." and now i'm about to come down from that high, but i'll remember it and i'll revisit it throughout my life. this is what i hiked yesterday...

almost there

1. went on an amazing hike today. the scenery was beautiful (of course) and the people were fun. i just felt, like, so happy.
2. watching the oscars right now! i love movies.
3. i almost forgot to blog on time because the time zone difference keeps throwing me off.

i don't have much to say tonight. i feel like anything i do say will just be repeating myself from the past few nights about how happy i am in boulder and how happy i am to be on spring break. but i guess, basically, i just love my life and my friends and i'm so grateful for...everything. the good days and the bad--they're all beautiful. i knew at the beginning of this year that 2010 would treat me well, and so far i'm right. there is just one part of my life not quite where i want it to be, but i'm trying to have faith that it will all work out. it's hard. really hard. but things will work out in the end, however long the end takes to get here.

get a reading from a psychic.

snow bunny

1. went snowboarding today at keystone and it was amazing. i've never boarded anything like that mountain before. and now i'm addicted.
2. getting ready for a good night.
3. i'm so excited that i got to start my break with my friend in boulder and then i get to go home and do that whole scene. it should be a good break from school.

today, i had some amazing time on the slopes. it was so exhilirating and indescribable. the last few runs just felt so good, i can't even believe. and the people i boarded with get to experience this whenever they want. it's crazy how much they take advantage of the beauty. i would just stop sometimes, spellbound by my surroundings, and try to point out to them why i was so happy. but they just seemed like it was second nature. the rockies covered in snow are...breathtaking. and it's just hard to put into words how the experience made me feel. it was so pure and i felt so connected to everything around me. it just really made me feel alive. it was something different than anything else i've felt. and it just made me so appreciative and so humbled. i felt peaceful and excited all at once. i am really having difficulty eloquently expressing how i felt out there today, but what's important i guess is that i know how it feels and i am able to keep that feeling with me. sorry for the short post again; i was hoping i could make it more in-depth, but i think short and sweet works for now. and plus, i'm on vacation anyway.

simply wonderful

1. SPRING BREAK!!!
2. SPRING BREAK!!!
3. SPRING BREAK!!!

that's really all these is to say. i am on spring break. i did two things today that i've never done before! i flew all by myself, and am in colorado! it's so exciting. boulder=beautiful. the vibe in this town is ridiculously chill and reminds me so much of the city near my hometown. sometimes i forget when i'm in college how much i love the area i'm from...the mountains will always call to me. but this place, these rockies, are a totally new kind of beauty. they are stark and formidable and barren and snowy and beautiful. i am just in the most amazing mood right now. something about this place and being with one of my besties from home is perfect. and this night will be SO FUN and boarding tomorrow will be SO FUN. and i'm here through monday (YAY). then, back to my hometown for family time and home time. then the second half of the semester, then summer. the best season ever. so yeah, right now, i'm basically just "simply wonderful."

safety

1. had three classes today; it felt amazing. it was a beautiful day here; i love gorgeous weather. i had a great night; spring break has started!
2. i woke up at 7:15 to do laundry this morning. i'm so dedicated (actually, i was just out of clothes, so i had no choice). that wasn't fun...
3. i talked to the grad student from the lab where i'll be working this summer. i'm SO excited! we got some more specifics figured out, and i'm going to start looking for housing when i'm home over break.

i am flying tomorrow. isn't it ironic that my mantra is "to fly," yet i'm pretty uncomfortable with flying in a plane. i just always feel so sure that something is going to go wrong and i will surely die. i know that the rates of car crash death are way more than plane crash death, but i can't help but think that if something does go wrong on that plane, my chances of survival are way smaller. and i don't mean for this post to be morbid, but i just think about it a lot before i fly. or travel long distances. but i never think about it when just driving around campus or around my hometown, even though that's when your chances of getting in a car wreck are highest. sometimes i can feel safe, though. i spend a fair amount of my time worried about dying young. but when i worry about this, i try to be rational and think statistically and remind myself that i most likely will live to an old age. but even as i'm typing these words, i am gripped with fear. a fear that i won't live out my potential. and what if i do get in a plane crash or a car wreck or something falls on me from the sky? then what? there is so much i haven't said and so much i haven't done. i'm just terrified. i mean, no one actually thinks that their plane is going to be the one to crash. but think about the people who are on those planes that do crash. i can't even imagine. but i need to remember my safety nets. i feel safe when i think about certain people or certain situations. so hopefully i can remember these people and situations and feel better when i'm lifting off tomorrow. let's fly.

funny how things happen

1. i love it when the whole laundry room isn't functioning because the main service box is "out of service." especially when i no longer have underwear or pants, and refuse to wear leggings as pants. thanks, dorm!
2. i dropped library science today. it felt great! that class was so stupid and i didn't care about it at all. first time that has happened to me in college.
3. spring break is so close, so close. and i am going to have the best time ever. and then i get to see my family and spend time with them in my beautiful hometown. and play with my cat! yay for spring break and the semester being half over.

the timing of life never ceases to surprise me. i got an email today from my church's listserve informing me that the service for sunday has changed and will be "a very different kind of 'Episcopal' service than normal." while this may seem insignificant to many, it's a big deal for me. i can't really explain it...but it's like as soon as i accuse organized religion of being rigid and imperfect, i get this message that it can be flexible and the innate beauty i used to see in church services can be brought forth again. and i very much appreciate the comment on my post from last night--humans cannot comprehend the mind of God. how very true. we all try to, but i feel like i question and judge and wonder even more than normal. that's hard to say for sure, but it's how i feel. but these two things have helped reinforce my faith, even if in small ways. like i said, faith is enormously personal and what is significant to me may not be important to anyone else. but i always look for signs in every aspect of my life. to me, these are signs that i am not alone and that some being is laughing at the dramatic irony. also, as soon as i started to feel uber confident about my work in the two labs, something happened that immediately grounded me and served as a sort of reality check. i am not perfect. this blog has given me a new mantra, "to fly," and while "i am not perfect" isn't a mantra, it's a good thing for me to remember. this life, i love how it just works.

"belief is a beautiful armor"

1. had class all day; it was pretty cold here but the rain/sleet/snow didn't start until evening, so that was a plus. but still, i just want sunshine and snow (spring break!) and sunshine and warm weather (this summer!).
2. saw the original manchurian candidate tonight for my history class. really good movie. made me think back to my post about the military and psychology and ethics.
3. i just want to sleep, for hours and hours and hours. that, and i want to wake up in hawaii. 

this is a really hard post for me. it's hard to admit that i am struggling with something i was raised to believe in. but then again, i think this is what people do, or attempt to do--question. i am a cradle episcopalian, meaning i was born and raised in the episcopal church. and i love my church family and i love how i was raised and the people i met through youth council and conferences. and i love the strength and the clarity my faith has given me. although i don't go to church now, and don't even know if i still identify with any set of beliefs, i just have this feeling inside me that some being is with me, helping me and protecting me. and when i am weak, their is a strength that comes to me. but i have a lot of issue with being told that i need to feel that presence in a church. don't get me wrong, i love the feeling that church gives me. the ritual and the ceremony brings me a peace that is unmatched in almost any other capacity. but i can feel that alone on the top of haleakala, or on the beach, or standing in the sunshine, or watching the rain. notice how those examples all dealt with nature. but what is most important to me right now is finding out who i am. and i have always been defined, in large part, by my religion. but i am struggling to keep that part of me alive. i don't go to church in college, i don't even really pray, except by just having conversations with myself. but as much as i feel cynical about organized religion, i feel this urge to have faith. i see religion and faith as two very separate, but related, concepts. i have faith in a higher power. while i have always struggled with the fundamental question "does God exist?", it has only helped me even more to explore what this life is about. there won't always be someone there for me, so i need to learn to rely on myself. but i also know that i have someone or something there for me. but then i hear the nagging voice wondering what happens if i'm wrong. isn't religion just a human creation based on a need to believe that this ephemeral life isn't all there is for us? or do religions stem from actual deities who spread their word among mortals? and this is a question i don't think anyone really has the ability to truly answer, though each person can answer for his/herself. but religion and faith...religion was born from a need to share faith with others. but what is so wrong with everyone believing in his/her own higher power? why the wars and killings and hate over which religion is right and which is wrong? and why the inability to separate religion from every aspect of life (government, relationships, the workplace, etc.)? it's because religion is a creation of humans. whether or not it's based in truth is a question i cannot answer, but organized religion is imperfect simply because humans are imperfect. i have accepted that. what is more difficult for me is figuring out where i fit in on this issue, and how decisions i make will affect others in my life (namely my husband and my children). but i think that's what these years (and this life) are all about--figuring out where i fit in the beautiful mess.

how sweet it is

1. good day! went on a recruiting adventure, had a fun meeting, and did homework. it was a beautiful day and spring break is almost here...friday, please come sooner.
2. the bachelor season finale was tonight. fml, he chose the wrong girl. america hates him and i hope he knows it...stupid jake and vienna. 
3. some of the work just got finished, but more was piled on. isn't that how hell week before spring break always is...oh well.

this episode of the bachelor has made me so cynical about love. he chose the wrong girl! everyone knows it! isn't it so frustrating when everyone can see that two people are wrong for each other, but the people involved can't see it. that's how i feel about this episode, as well as about other people in my life not directly involved with me but still connected to me. hindsight is 20/20 and i also think that the input of those around someone is incredibly valuable. the good friends and family will always be honest, yet tactful. allowing one to live life and experience mistakes and failure, but be there when the dust settles. so there is a lot to say about love. there is family love, friendship love, romantic love, sexual love, just to name a few. and the important relationships in my life are each characterized  by one or more types of love. but the whole reason i'm writing this post is almost as a tribute to the unique and enduring love my parents have shared. me talking about my loving relationships with other people can wait, or not be said at all. i'll have to see how i feel about it later. anyway, my parents have shaped so much how i think about love and how i think a marriage should be. and i know that everyone is shaped by their parents' marriage or divorce or absence. sometimes, i was afraid my parents would get divorced when i was little. i saw them fighting and loved each one so much that i was always confused when they fought and were upset with one another. but my sister calmly explained to me something that changed my perception of my parents' relationship (granted, it took some time). she told me that they would never get divorced and would always be together because neither could be with anyone else. it's so true, too. my dad and mom would not be happy with anyone else. they are just...so exactly what the other person needs. when my dad is stubborn and irate, my mom just rolls her eyes and points out his flawed logic and brings out the steely resolve that she has too. my mom always claimed i got my stubbornness from my dad, but really, she is just as stubborn, she is just more accepting of change than me and dad. anyway, when my mom is nagging and relentless, my dad can just tell her to stop being so overbearing and calm down. my parents need their alone time too, and both respect that. we were never a family that spent every minute together, not by any means. but we all worked and i think it's because they worked. they both taught me the value of independence--it is now one of the most important things to me and one of the most important things i preserve about myself. but back to the story, my parents love each other more than i thought possible, and it's taken me growing up to see that they truly couldn't be without one another and be happy. it's just how they function. they have made me believe in love. and them spending 30 years married is incredible to me. and raising two daughters during that time and going through so much together, i can't even imagine the difficulty. but their love and their bond has pulled them through and will keep pulling them through for the gold and diamond anniversaries. i'm not trying to paint a picture of their relationship being perfect, because it's not by any means. but it works. and in today's society, to me, that is a miracle every day.

not enough time

1. had a great weekend. end of story. so much fun. i love college.
2. had a delicious dinner at carrabba's tonight.
3. the bachelor season finale is tomorrow night!!!

so there isn't time enough tonight to talk about what i want to, so i'm going to lead into my posts for the next two days. tomorrow night i am going to talk about love/marriage in honor of my parents' 30th wedding anniversary. and tuesday night (barring any significant triggers) i am going to talk about religion and faith. these next two posts are ones that i am excited about and want to spend some time on. they'll also help break the pattern i get in to on weekends of not blogging that much. so yeah, tonight i don't have much to say really! or i do, but i don't have nearly enough time to talk about religion and faith tonight. so i hope everyone reading this has a great week! it's almost spring break for me, so yay! and it's almost summer for everyone else...yay! in honor of being excited about summer, a picture from my trip last summer to hawaii!

one thing i want to do...travel to egypt and greece.

blog

1. stayed up late, slept not that late (unfortunately). went shopping with my friends, bought a snowboard bag, edited the poster abstract.
2. about to go out, i love college, yay!
3. again, i don't have that much to say today! but it's still been a good day.

i don't have that much to say tonight! i'm just in a really good mood and happy that i'm around my friends. i'm also hanging out with friends from last year tonight, which is good. so yeah, life is going well. let's hope it continues. i guess tonight it just a night to be thankful. i'm thankful for all the good in my life right now.

i get by

1. great day--read a good book, wrote up some stuff for school, went to lunch and had an amazing with my grad student friend. 
2. it was cold and beautiful (one of those days i really love).
3. went out tonight with my friends, old and new. it was so much fun.

so i've blogged a lot about my friends and how much people in my life mean to me. but this is a different kind of post. it's similar to one of my previous posts about how random people can end up being so significant in my life. during the lunch talk today, we talked about how decisions can change people's lives without even knowing it. how is it that so many people have and will continue to impact my life? i guess this post is about how relationships change people. so this is an obvious statement, right? like, duh, C, people change other people's lives. but think about how many people had to make each specific decision in their lives to end up in yours. and then think about how all of these people will have impacts on your life. and when someone new enters one's life, it's hard to judge how that person will affect one's current path in life. but one thing is for sure: you never know when your life will change (at every second of every day), nor do you know why it is changing. and that is enough to think about for a lifetime.

momentum

1. looooong day today. class all day and then a meeting from 7-10:15. yikes.
2. but about to go out now! let's relieve all the stress from this week by hanging out with my girls. more than looking forward to this weekend, too.
3. SUPER EXCITING NEWS! but it's not like i can actually talk about it here. if interested, get in touch with me and i'll share. 

isn't it weird how feelings work in spirals? one week can be REALLY bad, but then the next can be REALLY good. i've always wondered whether it's a function of how people tend to perceive one day, and then they let that carry on to the rest of the week, or the days in a week really are just all similar. but i've been having one of the good momentum pushes lately. and today, when it had started to wear off (stress, headache, homework, etc.), it all of a sudden got WAY better. so now i am confused. maybe it's just a pattern that i'm noticing because i'm living in the moment right now. this could just be my experience. but isn't that what this blog is about? tangent, sorry. anyway! i'm really excited and i spent a majority of my night doing a literature search (nerdy? yes. required? yes.) and i just ended up getting really excited about grad school because i spent time looking at researchers who do work where i want to go to school and who i want to work with. so this post hasn't had much direction, my bad. but it's just been a way for me to get my thoughts out! and to say (in my eternally optimistic way) that things may seem like they are bad, but they will get better.

color me

1. waking up at 6 am benefits: i heard the birds chirping, there was no traffic, and it made me feel like i accomplished a lot. waking up at 6 am drawbacks: starbucks/alpine bagel were not open, the ROTC runners made me feel guilty, and it was cold.
2. did a lot of work today; still not quite caught up but i'm feeling much more optimistic than i was this time last week. tomorrow at 4:45 my weekend starts! then it's spring break!
3. SPRING BREAK!!! countdown: 9 days.

the color of my day today was orange. orange to me in energy and vitality and accomplishments. i felt good today because my adviser announced my summer plans in the lab meeting and i got some "ohhhs" and "ahhhs." good stuff. my days and my moods are always characterized by colors. whether or not i actively think about it or not, looking back on a day i can always figure out what color a day was. and this is why i cannot pick out my clothes the night before. i always dress for my mood and wear whatever fits my mood that day. this is how i see my life--in moods, in colors. my favorite color is yellow, so those days are always the best. but sometimes, a blue day or a red day are just what i need. blue, rightly so, is usually subdued and relaxed, sometimes sad or pensive. red is a "get your ass in gear day." i like those days. they make me feel (hypomanic) and uberproductive and like i can do anything. green days are good too; those are like when i am feeling friendly and helpful and content. pink, oh pink. pink days are glam and sexy and confident. i think wearing pink takes cojones--it's a notice-me color. so pink days are notice-me days. purple...fierce and funky. basically. again, all these are personal for me and how i feel about colors and how they reflect on my life. but i take these motifs and look at other people through these lenses too. i just see the world in full color, and try to live my life the same way. it's about recognizing that not every day is a typically beautiful day, but that every day has inherent beauty. not every color is considered beautiful, but by just being part of the spectrum, they are beautiful. so is this a corny way to end a post? yes, but it's true. i'm thinking (but how can i know?!) that tomorrow is a purple day.

watch out!

1. i actually ate breakfast this morning. unfortunately, it was in the dining hall. gross. 
2. class today wasn't bad; my last class always seems to go really quickly (a huge relief), and my history class is proving more interesting as the weeks progress.
3. did i really just set my alarm for 6 am for tomorrow morning?! ugh...i haven't been up that early since hawaii this summer. but i did stay up that late last weekend...yeesh!

i'm super nervous that just by posting about all my superstitions, they will come not work anymore. so that should tell you what i'm posting about tonight...i am a very superstitious and nervous person! i believe in the cosmic connection (i've talked about this before) and i absolutely believe in jinxing, bad juju, the evil eye and the whole nine yards. i knock on wood anytime anyone says anything that can be jinxed. "oh, you'll do fine on that test!" "there is no way we can lose tonight." "don't worry, i've never wrecked doing this before..." these are all examples of times i furiously knock on wood to appease the cosmic forces at work. it's such a "gotcha!" mentality--you say something is for sure, and the world will show you that nothing is for sure. bad juju may just be a southern thing, but it's a definite cause for concern. you have to be nice to the witchy women or they will juju the hell out of you. meaning, they will make your life miserable! so you better have your gris gris handy to ward off any evil. okay, so this is getting very voodoo very quickly, but really. i am always concerned that things will be jinxed or i will mess up some crazy cosmic balance and get screwed because of it. for example, when i was a little girl, i would never step on the cracks on the ground. like, i'm talking OCD behavior. not even the cracks in the floor tiles in the schools were OK to step on, much less sidewalk cracks. also, blowing all the seeds off of the dandelions was crucial to the success of the rest of my day when i was little. i would get so worried so easily that something bad would happen as a result of me not protecting myself. now that i am typing this out, it seems really weird. i was not a crazyweirdscarymovie kid...just superstitious and slightly OCD. when looking at a cognitive-behavioral model, these go hand-in-hand. i will not bore my readers by going into the basics of this model--just take my word for it that the two concepts are related (a.k.a., they are both reinforcing anxiety-reducing behavior...). one last superstition, i try as hard as possible to stay inside on friday the 13th (really...just ask my friends). and yes, i used to spend a lot of time looking for these...

la da dee, la de daa

1. got new shoes in the mail today! i love them. purple, silver, and white tennis shoes.
2. after falling off the wagon for some of my lent items, i have added them back on. gotta stay strong.
3. very excited about stuff in my school/career life right now!

for all the references to songs that i have sprinkled throughout my posts, it is crazy that i haven't posted yet about music. music=♥ i grew up listening to blues, jazz, and oldies. side note: believe it or not, but i did not like CCR (creedence clearwater revival) for a large portion of my life. crazy, i know. i love louis armstrong, santana, ella fitzgerald, van morrison, the black eyed peas, dr. john, miles davis, U2, joe walsh, enya, CCR, frank sinatra, john lee hooker, vivaldi, lucinda williams, the beatles, rilo kiley, girl talk, beyonce, jack johnson, lil wayne, so so so much more. music is such an outlet in my life and allows me to express my feelings. granted, i do not play any instrument or sing (i would not torture the world) but i can still appreciate music and its capabilities to make my life wonderful. i love the fact that artists and songs have touched so many people's lives. music is so personal and so individual, but can be wildly popular and have an effect on so many different kinds of people. that appeals to me. one song or one band can cross generations, races, social classes, and political views. that kind of unity for people is rare, and the fact that the music industry can create it is intense power. my moods are pretty variable and the songs i listen to always accommodate. i have songs for all my moods and all my activities--the ipod is a great invention.  

for those we...

1. woke up late again, but was more productive today than yesterday. 
2. it was a feast day! yay for eating junk food!
3. bed early tonight. like, really early. i'm thinking 10.

i need to talk tonight about sacrifice. this is a pretty personal topic. sacrifice is really individual and what each of us has done in terms of sacrifice for other people can change dramatically from person to person. i have had so many people sacrifice so much for me. when i think of my all that my parents and my family have done for me, i get so overwhelmed. i don't like to feel indebted to people, so i like to relieve that burden by helping other people. this is a trend in my posts lately, but it's a huge part of who i am. i need to be able to pay back the people in my life who have done so incredibly much for me. and what's hard for me also is not knowing about all the sacrifices that have been made for me for things i don't even realize or know about. how can i ever repay what i don't know about? and the answer to that is by doing similar things for people around me. not similar things, really, but sacrificing for the sake of someone around me just because it's what they need. so that's what i'm going through in my life right now. there are things i rarely sacrifice, like my school and career ambition, but sometimes i have to learn to defer in other parts of my life to do what is best. it's like socialist feelings--feel what is best for the most people. i have to balance my need to live my freakin' life the way i want to live it with needing to realize that other people are affected by how i act and by what choices i make. this has been a bit of a wake-up call. not that i've been running around being selfish and ruining lives, not at all. i just need to remember that choices i make has this inexplicable and unforeseeable effect on people. i have lost my train of thought now. but basically, sacrifice is a big part of my life right now, and it's difficult to deal with. but it's something that needs to happen.

the next item for my list: go on a roadtrip. like a legitimate roadtrip with friends involving not much planning, junky food, amazing music, and beautiful weather.